What do I do with this???????

[MaryP0p1]

Long story but my family are spending Christmas day with me this year. Mum and Dad were divorced many years ago and I had little contact with Dad as a child. I was talking to my Aunt yesterday and in passing my Aunt mentioned that my Dad wrote to me regularly over the ten years I had no contact with him via my Mum. This is first I've heard of this. My Dad has never mentioned these letters and bears no grudge with her (though has no contact and isn't one for grudges really) and my Aunt is a very straightforward person and it really was said in passing without any mallice intended. I am a bit shocked to hear this and have lots of questions to ask but don't want to spoil Christmas (especially as my Husband and I and my Children are about to move to Italy so this will be are last Christmas in England). What do I do with this information?

Leave it for now. Perhaps it is something you could raise in a letter to your mum once you've moved abroad. It might be something that she can deal with better if not done face-to-face. She may have had very valid, if possibly misguided, reasons for not passing these letters on to you, so perhaps it's as well not to judge her actions until she's had an opportunity to explain.

God, that must bring up a lot of emotions and questions for you. Think FF is right, its a hard time of year to raise emotive subjects, especially as you are about to move. Why not write down all your questions now, to help clear your head and put it away somewhere and get it back out when you feel ready.

Do you have contact with your dad much now? and do you feel lack of contact as child has affected your current relationship with him?

I think I still too shocked to really know what my questions are. I beleive it it because I know my Mum and how her mind works but I, as a mother, I can't understand it. At best my Mum and I have a fragile relationship and we speak maybe only 6 times a year and see each other maybe 3. This is good reflection of our relationship.

My husband wasn't home last night so I haven't spoke to him and wondering weather I might leave that until later too as the relationship between my Mum and him makes is frought with confrontation.

As for the relationship with my Dad. My Dad left the country when I was 4 and I didn't see him again until 13. As a teenager and a young adult I was angry had little to no relationship with him at all. I see my husband with his children and part of me is grateful and a small part jealous as a know whatever happened between my husband and I he would be a huge part of their lives. When my Nan was dying we spent a large amount of time together and for the first I was ready to listen to his side and build a relationship with him. I do love him but perhaps not the way another daughter loves their Dad because we don't have the shared memories but you make the best of what life deals you. He loves my children to pieces but doesn't see them much as he live 4hrs drive away but regularly we get a phone call saying I'm 1/2 hr a away. He comes for all of us but especially my children and that to me it very special as they have no other Granddad. I make him sound perfect and he is by no means perfect but to my children he is magical and therefore perfect which makes love hime even more.

I understand about building late relationship with him. I don't know what to say really, but I can imagine it is all a bit confusing. Do you think writing a letter now, to your mum, but perhaps putting it away is something that would help. I know it works for me, but everyone has different ways to let stuff out. If this isn't it, maybe you could think of a way of just putting it to one side until a less emotive time

Thank you everybody for your advice it has helped. I have decided that it has waiting 20/25 years it can wait a bit longer. As I previously said my relationship with my Mum is at best fragile and we are moving abroad so we are all a bit emotional anyway. I think when she has come to visit/and we are settled I try and build some bridges with her and then when things are more secure then approach her on the subject. Thinking about it I won't get any answered other than angry and denial now or if I approach her on an aggresive note. I need to deal with her in a way that she can tell me without me or her going flying off the handle. This may be hard for me to do but any other way and I don't think I'll the answers I'm seeking.

Thank you again for advising me.