Mum has liver cancer

[MrsArchieTheInventor]

We found out on Friday and I'm now at the stage where I want to find out more about it, and looking on various websites (especially cancerbackup) has helped enormously, and things don't look quite as bleak as they did over the weekend. However, it's brought home the fact that my mum isn't going to be around forever, though we don't know if it's primary or secondary liver cancer or what the prognosis is yet as she's having an MRI next week. She's talking in terms of living for months, not years, as she's had breast cancer twice, the last time 18 months ago, though her full body scan carried out 6 months ago was completely clear. (Maybe I'm missing something about what secondary cancer is - surely if the cells had already spread to her liver from her breast they would have shown up on the scan?)

One thing that I'm struggling to even think about is how do I even start to explain the concept of death and dying to my 4 year old son, especially when it concerns his grandma whom he absolutely dotes on.

Thought for the day; she's not dead yet. That's keeping me going right now.

Very sorry to hear this Archie. I know how you feel (my mother has lung cancer). The days after the diagnosis are completely terrifying and shocking.

'She's not dead yet' - this is exactly how I felt about it when Mam was diagnosed. I used to think, 'I can pick up the phone right now and talk to her. That's enough for now.' After all, that's as much certainty as we ever have.

If it's any consolation, my mother was expected to live for six weeks when she was diagnosed, and that was over five years ago.

Re. secondary cancer - it is possible for scans to miss very small tumours - it all depends on the resolution. However, until your mum has the MRI (and presumably a biopsy?) try not to drive yourself mad guessing.

Hold tight, it is a very difficult thing you are going through.

Poor you, and poor mum

The uncertainty around prognosis is horrible but do try to hang in there and be positive for her sake, until you know a bit more about what the outcome might be.

Yesterday I was looking on the positive side of things, that there are lots of new treatments and we don't know what kind of cancer it is yet, but after talking to my mum and sister last night hope just seems hopeless.

It's mum's 60th birthday in April but it seems she's already resigned herself to not living much past that. I started a new temp job on Monday and I feel like I'm not 'with it' but I can't tell anyone why as they don't know me. Just want to cry but scared to in case I can't stop.

I would have a word with someone at your new place, don't worry that they don't know you, you don't have to go into loads of detail, you can just say you are awaiting the prognosis at the moment and just wanted them to know incase sometimes you don't seem quite with it. Are you temping through an agency or directly? If its an agency then you could always get your consultant to let your work know on your behalf. (I'm a recruitment consultant and this is the kind of the thing they should do for you). If they know at work that may lift a tiny bit of pressure for you so you can fully concentrate on you and your Mum.
Try and keep strong, the waiting is awful but there are many different types of prognosis they could give you and only one is worst case.

Hi Archie - we are going through the exact same thing at the moment. My mum was diagnosed with Liver and stomach cancer a couple of weeks ago and we have had a hellish time of it. She too had Breast Cancer twice before - albeit 18 years ago.
The biopsy has been inconclusive and they are not sure if it is primary or secondary cancer yet. It is a complete rollercoaster of emotions, one minute I am feeling positive, the next I am in despair, the next I am in denial and so on and so on. I am also scared of crying because I fear I might never stop.

I too have a 4 year old and while she knows that her grandmother is ill she had no idea what is really going on - I too would like some advice on how to deal with this / what to tell her.

Hang on in there - you WILL find the strength to deal with whatever happens.

Sorry to hear everyone's stories.

MrsArchie, hanging on to every shred of hope is something that really made it easier for me to deal with my mother's illness (and still does even now that she is very ill indeed).

My sons are 5 and 3; my oldest was born six weeks after my mother was diagnosed so I'm not quite in the same position as MrsArchie and halster, because so far as my two are concerned, my mother has always been ill. However, my approach is to be as open as possible about what's going on; I tell them when mam has a hospital appointment, or when she is too tired to get out of bed, or when she is in pain. They know that she is not well and that she takes a lot of medicine. I am hoping that this will prepare them in some way for her death - my older son has, i think, begun to grasp the connection between illness, old age (as he perceives her, even tho she's only mid-sixties) and death, so hopefully for him it won't be a huge shock.

There are children's books about illness and dying - one of the Mog books is about death I think. Haven't read any of them myself so can't recommend a particular one.

BTW MrsArchie, I agree with gio71 that you should mention what's going on to someone at work.

Re what to tell the children.

We have had advice n this from children's grief councellers because of DH's illness (our kids are 7 and 11)

Wait for them to ask. When they need information they will ask you. When they ask you must be honest with them, but only give them such information as they request.

so 'Is Gran ill' gets a 'Yes she is' and you don't need to go further until they ask you, which they will. that way they get the information that they need, when they can cope with it. resist the temptation to let them know everything straight away, it isn't helpful for them.

and however hard it is, and god knows I know just how hard, you have to be honest, or they will feal let down by you, and well as berieved when things come to a close. When you tell them that they will get over their grief, them have to be able to trust you.

you have my sympathy.

Thank you martianbishop that is very helpful. And I am very sorry that you are in a position to pass on this advice - iyswim.