Could I have helped more

[Harcar]

Almost five years my DHs DB was diagnosed with stage one of a rare form of cancer. He was given the best treatment by a top team at a leading hospital. He is no longer having treatment, after he had about three four months of treatment after his diagnosis. The team seem happy he is doing ok. He has regular checks and all seems ok. I told DH who was beside himself with worry, that BIL had a good chance, yes he would feel dreadful but he is the kind of person who would be determined to get better and get back to living his life. Could I have said or done more?

YABVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVU

There is no "type" of person determined to get better.

Ignorant and judgemental

People who spout crap about "positive attitude" are the worst. There is little to no correlation between attitude and outcome, and what correlation has been shown, shows that a more positive attitude indicts a worse outcome

Why are you thinking about this now? Has someone said you weren't supportive or something?

also totally agree with @Nimbostratus100

there's no such thing as being the type of person to be determined to get better! Consider for a moment just how fucking offensive that is, implying those that die from cancer only have themselves to blame from not being determined enough!

if I were you I'd ask MN to delete the thread, before many many more people get upset by your stupid, stupid comment & attitude!!

YABU

yes he would feel dreadful but he is the kind of person who would be determined to get better and get back to living his life DH was that type of person too but it didn't stop his cancer killing him.

Maybe worded wrong, I know only nature and treatment or science could make him better but the doctors were doing their absolute best. I did say we have to just hope for the best as there is no guarantee he would have survived. I just didn’t want DH going into a downward spiral. His DPs were shutting him out but expecting him to care about how they felt, his DB was open and wiling to tell him what was going on. I know you can’t survive by thought and attitude.

DH basically has said no one cared how he felt about it. Maybe we all did get it wrong.

I don't really understand the question or what you're asking. If you just said that and then never spoke to him about it again then yes, you could have done more.

I don’t think I even bought his DBs mindset into it tbh. We spent a lot of time talking about it.

When someone is worried or fearful, the absolute best thing you can do is listen. Yes, your BIL's medical chances might have been very good but that still doesn't stop people from feeling very afraid. The C word is like being hit by lightning!

Perhaps you could have listened more? It sounds as though you were trying to fix his feelings rather than helping him to feel then, if that makes sense.

The comment you made to DH shuts down the conversation, I found it was an off the cuff comment people made when they either didn't want to hear my fears or found it too hard to talk about. Having a close relative with cancer is an extraordinarily lonely place to be.

This was along the lines of what I was thinking, sometimes people need to feel heard. Replying about BILs chances in that way instead of acknowledging how your DH was feeling can feel like you're being told to buck up and stop going on about it.

I hate the idea that your morality or character has anything to do with 'beating' as serious disease like cancer.

It's horrific and I think it's sad how individual our society is, we have to blame the ill/disabled for their health.

You could have said anything else.

I also agree with attaching morality to curing a Friday Night Funkin disease.