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Original poster

AWFUL MIL

7 replies

catmcm88 · 24/12/2022 18:34

I'm hoping to get some advice from some wiser married folk!

My husband has a very problematic relationship with his Mum and sister. IMO she is a narcissist focused largely on money/status and he/we fall short. His sister is the golden child and has married very "well", and they have recently moved into a £1.2m house at 31 (just for context).

I have seen first hand the favouritism and how this affects my DH. He's lashed out, he's tried to reason and express how he feels but to no avail. This has resulted in no relationship with the favoured sister (we are yet to understand what he has done to offend her into wanting no relationship). The final straw for me was the SIL and her husband coming to our recent wedding and not so much as giving us a card as it was, "too upsetting given the circumstances". Mum defended her and defends everything she does to our detriment.

My DH is not seeing any of his family over Christmas as it's just too awkward and unpleasant but I can see how much this hurts him. He's tried to talk this through with Mum and reach out to Sister (in the recent past) but Mum juts cannot see anything beyond herself and sister. His family is very small so even with the extended family, it totals 12 including partners - hard to hide amongst numbers with horrid relatives.

Does anyone have experience of anything similar? If so, how did you approach it/what did you do?

Thanks in advance and Merry Christmas

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 24/12/2022 18:43

What are the circumstances which his sister is upset about?

Unforgettablefire · 24/12/2022 18:51

catmcm88 · 24/12/2022 18:34

I'm hoping to get some advice from some wiser married folk!

My husband has a very problematic relationship with his Mum and sister. IMO she is a narcissist focused largely on money/status and he/we fall short. His sister is the golden child and has married very "well", and they have recently moved into a £1.2m house at 31 (just for context).

I have seen first hand the favouritism and how this affects my DH. He's lashed out, he's tried to reason and express how he feels but to no avail. This has resulted in no relationship with the favoured sister (we are yet to understand what he has done to offend her into wanting no relationship). The final straw for me was the SIL and her husband coming to our recent wedding and not so much as giving us a card as it was, "too upsetting given the circumstances". Mum defended her and defends everything she does to our detriment.

My DH is not seeing any of his family over Christmas as it's just too awkward and unpleasant but I can see how much this hurts him. He's tried to talk this through with Mum and reach out to Sister (in the recent past) but Mum juts cannot see anything beyond herself and sister. His family is very small so even with the extended family, it totals 12 including partners - hard to hide amongst numbers with horrid relatives.

Does anyone have experience of anything similar? If so, how did you approach it/what did you do?

Thanks in advance and Merry Christmas

Yes. This is very similar to my family only it's my own dm and younger sister. Me and my middle ds have been outsiders our whole lives because of dm.
I'm seriously thinking of going no contact although it will kill me and I'm frightened I'll regret it.
Sorry I don't have any advice. It's really not fucking right the grief they inflict on the other kids when there's favouritism, and it does create narcissism in the favoured child I'm sure.

Original poster
catmcm88 · 24/12/2022 19:06

I'm sorry to hear you are experiencing something similar. Irs so so horrible and I can only imagine the pain my DH and people like yourself feel being your family. I hope it works out xx

OP posts:
Original poster
catmcm88 · 24/12/2022 19:12

arethereanyleftatall · 24/12/2022 18:43

What are the circumstances which his sister is upset about?

So we're not 100 sure tbh. It started back in august 2021 around their Dads 80th birthday. My DH wanted to see him regardless of wider sibling plans to celebrate, so we suggested popping in to give him a gift and nip our of a casual bite to eat. He relayed these plans to the Sister and she flew off the handle accusing my DH of deliberately planning something when she wasn't available (she was at a wedding the weekend of her fathers 80th). It wasn't the case at all and my opinion is that he should be able to see his father on his birthday irrespective of her plans! Anyway she told him that he's a liar and sneaky and trying to keep her out of it. Mum naturally agreed with her.

Then after numerous failed attempts for my DH to talk to her and find out the issue, the reason has changed or flowed between the following

  • he proposed to me a month before their wedding
  • we posted pics of our new home on the group WhatsApp group whilst they were on their mini moon and we should have kept that free for her to post pictures
  • he was a terrible usher at their wedding (this was before the issue with their dad) but we don't know what he was terrible at?
  • he was bossy and grumpy the day after their wedding when he went to help them pick up leftovers....we were in the process of packing up his house to move out the following day so he probably was grumpy.

That was the last we heard but it seems to be totally changeable....

OP posts:
Dodecaheidyin · 24/12/2022 19:47

It's so changeable because it's not true and she'll use any excuse that comes into her head at the time. She's railing at the fact that he has 'injured' her by seeing their dad on his birthday when she didn't. If your husband hadn't seen him she may well have turned against the dad for having his birthday on a day when she was unavailable. Sounds nuts, I know, but narcissists' brains are wired in very strange ways and none of it makes any sense.

If I were to recommend anything, I'd say to concentrate on the pair of you, do things you both enjoy at Christmas, make it as happy and pleasurable for him as you can. I wouldn't bring up the situation unless he mentions it or you know for sure that's what he's thinking about. There is more to life than toxic people and he doesn't need to be reminded of them if he's momentarily forgotten (sorry if I'm teaching you to suck eggs there).

There is no winning with narcissists - they gaslight, play the victim and spread hate so it would be an idea for him to try and emotionally disengage with them in the long run. He must understand it is not his fault.

There will be people who say 'just ignore them and move on'. It can be very difficult to do, especially so with narcissists and ones in the family at that. There is lots of help out there in understanding the behaviour and how to deal with it - Dr Ramani on YouTube was invaluable to me. Maria Consiglio is also good.

Good luck and keep posting if it helps Flowers

Original poster
catmcm88 · 24/12/2022 19:54

Dodecaheidyin · 24/12/2022 19:47

It's so changeable because it's not true and she'll use any excuse that comes into her head at the time. She's railing at the fact that he has 'injured' her by seeing their dad on his birthday when she didn't. If your husband hadn't seen him she may well have turned against the dad for having his birthday on a day when she was unavailable. Sounds nuts, I know, but narcissists' brains are wired in very strange ways and none of it makes any sense.

If I were to recommend anything, I'd say to concentrate on the pair of you, do things you both enjoy at Christmas, make it as happy and pleasurable for him as you can. I wouldn't bring up the situation unless he mentions it or you know for sure that's what he's thinking about. There is more to life than toxic people and he doesn't need to be reminded of them if he's momentarily forgotten (sorry if I'm teaching you to suck eggs there).

There is no winning with narcissists - they gaslight, play the victim and spread hate so it would be an idea for him to try and emotionally disengage with them in the long run. He must understand it is not his fault.

There will be people who say 'just ignore them and move on'. It can be very difficult to do, especially so with narcissists and ones in the family at that. There is lots of help out there in understanding the behaviour and how to deal with it - Dr Ramani on YouTube was invaluable to me. Maria Consiglio is also good.

Good luck and keep posting if it helps Flowers

Thank you so much! I will definitely check out those recommendations and if my DH is open to them to then he can listen/explore.

You raise very good points and we will ensure we have a lovely Christmas, helped by the fact that we won't have to see them. Some space is needed IMO....the reminders of what, "we're missing out on" through photos etc will be hard but we'll cope and ignore as best as possible.

Really appreciate the sound advice. Merry Christmas xx

OP posts:
Dodecaheidyin · 25/12/2022 10:53

And to you @catmcm88 . I hope it's peaceful, gentle and calm with a decent portion of joy for you both Xmas Smile

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