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Original poster

Feeling confused - need to support dh but . . . .

23 replies

dogwalker · 01/12/2004 17:34

Hi all. Sorry if it goes on. DH is on the lookout for a new job as his current one is probably going to soon end up in redundancy. He has been feeling down for quite some time. At the moment we live between Manchester and Liverpool after moving here 9 years ago from Yorkshire. We have made our home here, and the children are well settled, I have a job, we have a lovely home etc. Now he is down to the last 2 people for a high powered job, just what he is looking for and would suit him down to the ground - however, it is in CARDIFF. I know nothing about Cardiff really, I'm sure it's lovely but the thought of having to move from here is breaking my heart. I know he hasn't got the job yet but I know I have to support him. I hate myself for hoping he doesn't get it as he has been close to getting several jobs now and has been pipped at the post. Oh. Sorry for going on a bit.

OP posts:
hmb · 01/12/2004 17:36

there are some great parts of Cardiff and the surrounding area. It isn't the badlands

Original poster
dogwalker · 01/12/2004 17:41

I know hmb, I'm sure it's lovely and I probably felt a bit like this when we moved from Yorkshire, but the boys were little then and hadn't started school, it was fairly easy to make friends by being at the school gate, NCT meetings etc. The thought of starting again . . . also my family are still in Yorkshire. It's only an hour away from here. A bit further from Cardiff.

OP posts:
spacedonkey · 01/12/2004 17:42

Is there an alternative dw? Why is dh having to apply for jobs in Cardiff, does he do something really specialised, are there no jobs for him in your area?

Original poster
dogwalker · 01/12/2004 17:46

SD - there have been jobs in this area, some of which he has interviews for and not been successful, or not been interviewed for at all. Not particularly specialised, he's applying for IT director positions which aren't in huge supply.

OP posts:
Original poster
dogwalker · 01/12/2004 17:47

I should add that, as he has been unsuccessfully trying for jobs for over a year, we decided that he should start applying for jobs further afield, with me crossing my fingers that something local would turn up in the meantime.

OP posts:
spacedonkey · 01/12/2004 17:48

You need to talk to him about your feelings dw and take it from there. Very difficult situation.

Poo2 · 01/12/2004 17:50

Oooo - tricky one. Totally understand about your reluctance to up sticks again. But Cardiff is lovely, and we have a great NCT going on down here. So if you do move there will be lots of us to welcome you.

Original poster
dogwalker · 01/12/2004 17:51

You're right sd. . Got to go make tea now. Perhaps any Cardiff people can tell me how nice the area is and that we'd have no problems if we lived there, the schools are the best etc . . .

OP posts:
Original poster
dogwalker · 01/12/2004 17:52

Thanks poo2. X-d post there. My kids are a bit old for NCT now though. (9 and 11). Might have to be W.I.(!)

OP posts:
SantaFio2 · 01/12/2004 17:53

omg, i am not you dogwalker am I? I had big long chat with dh yesterday as he did with me. We are in the same boat but dh is working in dorset, we are living in kent and we moved here from staffordshire. I LOVE it here and the kids are settled and I feel selfish making him feel guilty when he is so tired and down. But we cant keep moving from one place to another and since he has stopped being so picky about jobs he has quite alot of interest from more local companies

this most probably is not much help, just wanted you to know alot of us feel like this!

StuffTheMagicTurkey · 01/12/2004 17:53

dogwalker, I think your feelings are entirely natural and you should try not to beat yourself up about it (easier said than done I know). You are settled and happy where you are, having already made a relocation previously.

As others have said, talk through your worries and concerns with your dh, otherwise they will fester.

Good luck xxx

bundleofyulelogs · 01/12/2004 17:54

i went to college in cardiff, it's a lovely city and has been revamped in recent years. it's a lovely mixture of city life and close to the countryside too. i worked in the city for a couple of years after college and found the people there very friendly.

wordsmith · 01/12/2004 18:10

Hi DW, I understand how you feel, though am not in exactly the same boat myself - my DH will shortly be 'between jobs' again and we have always hankered after a move to Cornwall (we're in the West Mids). I would love to live there but since we've had kids things are a bit different for me. DS1 starts school next month and is really settled in the whole school thing, all his friends are there and so on, and he is so excited about going. Plus grandparents suddenly seem much more important - we only have my parents now and DS1 and 2 are their only grandchildren. They are both in their 70s and though quite mobile and with full & varied lives of their own, they would miss the kids something rotten.

It must be hard when your children are older and are fully settled into school, friends, social lives etc. I totally understand your reservations. I wouldn't want to move my kids at that age either.

Couldn't DH hold out for a job in your area? The job may be ideal for him but it doesn't sound ideal for you and the children, and surely that must weigh just as much, if not more heavily, in the equation? Is there a big rush to find another job/ Would he be getting a redundancy package that allowed some breathing space?

It's not easy but I wish you the best of luck and you MUST talk to him about it!

tiptopoftheChristmastree · 01/12/2004 18:23

dogwalker - I can truly sympathise with you as I, too, have been in this position a few times. Sometimes it has been a place I'd like to go and live (it was Cardiff - no kidding!) and other times it has been a place very far away (100s of miles) or nearer (about 50 miles). I think talking it over is the key. Discuss whether it would be more sensible for you all to move, or for him to do a weekly commute. Would he be able to work from home in this new post, at all? We've moved several times with work and, now, with the children settled, we'd most likely consider a weekly commute rather than moving them. Cardiff is nice for sport, culture, shopping, etc and there's so much to do in surrounding areas. In my case, the job he got was a local one so we didn't have to move, but knowing that I backed him as much as possible was important to him - I hope! Of course you're right to be concerned and consider how the children would cope with a move and making new friends. Could he fly from Cardiff to Manchester or Liverpool weekly? What would the train fare be? Do some research on these things and houses / schools down there as you feel better when you know as much as you can. With house prices being what they are, that might be a deciding factor. A friend's husband has just bought a house in Cardiff as he had to move there with work and the rest of the family (my friend, 2 teenager children and 1 primary school age child) have stayed in the family home. It's about 2 and a half hours' drive so he commutes weekly. If the kids end up going to Cardiff Uni then there's a house down there already and if they go to the local one, they can stay at home. Sorry for waffling! Hth.

dogwalkinginawinterwonderland · 01/12/2004 19:23

Thanks to you all for replying. It's good to know there are people out there in similar position. I do need to talk to dh, I know that, now that he has progressed so far with this job. I know that he doesn't want to move away from here if he doesn't have to, but I also know that he wouldn't want to do the weekly commute thing. He needs to be with the family.

tiptopoftheChristmastree · 02/12/2004 10:05

dogwalkinginawinterwonderland - I'm glad to be of some help. Do update us on how it goes. Good luck!

dogwalkinginawinterwonderland · 16/12/2004 14:39

he just rang to say he's been offered the job.

Am sitting here overwhelmed with emotions, don't know what to think, ds1 who started secondary school in Sept will be devastated, I'll have to quit my albeit pt job with sn child in a school

but . . . dh done well. He's worked really hard for this position, it's a natural progression for him, very senior and the job would be perfect if only it was on the doorstep. Can't say any more at mo . . .

moondog · 16/12/2004 15:05

Diaww,I feel for you.
I have had a very mobile childhood and adulthood (parents working abroad, boarding school now dh working abroad for the past 6 years)
When I used to get distressed about going back to boarding school (I liked it however) my mother would always say 'Think of it as an ADVENTURE!!'
It still really help me when I have to do something new and scary.

The other thing that helps me is remembering someone saying that it takes at least 6 months to settle in a new place, therefore, you must almost expect to hate it initially. That's ok, part of the acclimatisation process.

I have just moved to live in a very remote part of Turkey-hardly any other English speakers (certainly no women)and I m home all day while my husband works long hours with two small children (can't you tell-spend my life on here!) At the moment it is so snowy that Ican't even leave the house for a walk as Icouldn't push the stroller.
I've spoken to about 15 people in RL in the last 8 weeks, am going home on Saturday for Christmas and can't wait!!
BUT... I know that I will be happy here. in time, my Turkish will improve, spring will come, we will by a car and my dd will go to school and Iwill get a job.
What matters for us is that we are together. We've done the long distance thing for 31/2 years and got through it but it puts a great deal of stress on a family in various ways.

Be brave!! The girls are right! Cardiff is great! Lots of my friends live there (I'm Welsh) and adore it.
Your dh must be over the moon! What a great Christmas present.
Don't worry so much, just look forward to your adventure, the nice people that you haven't yet met, the experiences you will have.

My very best wishes to you!!

marialuisa · 16/12/2004 15:22

Dogwalker-we moved from Cardiff to the NW nearly 2 years ago. I would still give anything to move back. I know it must seem very alien but as others have said cardiff really is a fantastic place to live. we're moving again in 3 months, nottingham this time, another part of the world that I've never had any great desire to visit and the need to find another job etc. is getting to me ATM.

On the plus side if your DH is going to be earning top money at least you'll have time to find a job you really want to do.

dogwalkinginawinterwonderland · 16/12/2004 16:14

Moondog and Mariluisa. Thanks for your kind words. No decisions have been made yet. I know that if he didn't take the job though he would probably harbour resentments and that would not make for a good marriage. I think we'll just mull it over during Christmas, maybe go have a drive down there. I'm sure it's lovely there, at the moment we are in the northwest and I like it here, made friends when the children were small etc. I just feel distraught thinking about moving, leaving my friends behind, moving even further away from my family who are in Yorkshire. I have to think about dh though, who has been looking for a job for about 2 years and has been totally demotivated and depressed in his current role, from which he will probably be redundant in a few weeks anyway. Sorry for going on. I know it would all be OK in the end and I would be nearer to one of my favourite places to holiday in the UK - Saundersfoot and Tenby!

dogwalkinginawinterwonderland · 16/12/2004 16:17

Poor Marlialuisa. I've just re-read your post and feel for you for having to move again so soon. I know very little about the Nottingham area except for a very small bit of it because my sister moved there a couple of years ago. Seems OK. Where she lives is a bit close to the motorway.

When dh was being considered for a position in Peterborough I thought anywhere! anywhere but the place I know absolutely nothing about! Well it happened didn't it?

SantaFio2 · 16/12/2004 16:25

it is horrible having to move all the time. We have to do it and tbh sometimes I wonder whether it is all worth and wonder whether dh would be better being a brickie or something

Just hope it goes well for you dogwalker. cardiff isnt the worst place in the world and it might be the best thing you ever do

dogwalkinginawinterwonderland · 16/12/2004 17:47

bumping cos tiptopofthexmastree wanted to know what happened. I'm feeling a bit calmer now. Might there be a hint of excitement? Not really sure how I feel and I guess there are going to be a lot of ups and downs in emotion in the near future.

The package dh has been offered is fantastic. Everything he could have asked for. Can't wait to see him later and discuss it.

thanks ladies.

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