To be childless?

[Sistersusan]

Hello all! Hope everyone is well as can be. I'm needing a bit of advice, guidence, something.
I've been married to be husband jusy over a year. We discussed having kids before we officially got together. He was always very keen, me not so much. We've plodding along quite happily but no we're at an inpass. Husband is adamant he wants kids, I'm about 20% sure. I'm 33 and he's 29. I'm quite happy plodding along in life. But now the pressure is on. Basically if I don't want a child, the marriage is over. I haven't been threatened with those words but that is the jist. Any words of wisdom?

I don't think you should have a child to save your marriage, when you are only 20% sure you want one. When you discussed this pre-marriage, what was your husband's reaction to your lack of enthusiasm?

I would ask that your thread be moved to Relationships as you'll get more responses over there x

If you're 20% sure, you're not sure at all. Were you more/less keen before you got married or has it always been 20%? How do you feel about him effectively threatening you? Do you love each other? He's basically choosing having a child over your marriage.

To be frank, for me personally if my DH told me I had to do something, I'd show him the door. Especially when it concerns my body and the rest of my life.

It's right for him to look elsewhere if you want such fundamentally different things, just a shame it couldn't have been worked out.

looks at the reasons you don’t want them and ask if they are long term reasons. It isn’t fair to expect him to plod along wasting his time if you don’t want them.

So you're 80% sure you don't want a child? That's pretty clear. If you're not certain that's one hell of a risk and impact on your life. You're only 29 why not wait a few years

I was 100% sure I wanted children and was so desperate for them. I've got two now (2.5 and almost 1) and they're great, but they're hands down the hardest thing I've ever done. I have very little time to myself because I'm either at work (I do a lot of odd shifts) or with the kids and we have no family help. It's worth it because I love them (and you probably will too if you have them) and because I want the life that comes with having kids. But I'm not sure I could handle the stress of them if I was only 20% sure I wanted to do it.

She's 33, HE'S 29.

Don't have kids to 'save' your marriage. It sounds as if you thought you might change your mind so you got married. Sounds like you still don't particularly want kids (which is fine). But sounds like he does, so I'd say you're not compatible and time to go your separate ways. You both deserve to be happy, and this is one area you can't really compromise on!
Honestly OP don't have kids unless you are 100% sure. I'd actually argue nothing puts a greater strain on marriage than young children

80% sure you don't. At 33. This is very sure old enough to know.

Let him know and he can make his decision.

It was a bit silly to get married, you seem to want very different things. Having children is a major decision.

You need to let him go if you don’t see yourself having a child, he will just end up resenting you and you him, if you have one when you don’t want to.

Childfree by choice person here. By the time I was your age, I knew I didn’t want to be a parent and I have absolutely no regrets.

When you say that at 29 you are 80% sure you don’t want children, believe yourself. Being a parent isn’t for everyone, and better a happy childfree life than being a miserable, resentful parent.

Neither of you is in the wrong here. You just want different things. Obviously, in an ideal world, you would have sorted this out before you got married, but you are where you are. The reality of the situation, however, is that there are no compromises on this issue, so it’s a potential deal breaker and you may have to agree to go your separate ways.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

At 33 I think you have a good idea of whether you want kids or not and it certainly sounds like you don't. You shouldn't do something you don't want to appease someone else. Unfortunately unless one of you changes the way they feel, proceeding with the relationship will surely only lead to resentment on either yours or your partner's part. Of course you may have a child and never look back but you'd never know that unless you go for it.

If you weren't keen on children from the start and he was it's a wonder why you got married in the first place but I realise that's
no help!

Nobody at your age should be plodding. Grab life with both hands and see where it takes you, if he wants kids and you don't then end the marriage, let him find someone who does.

Don’t have children unless you’re sure you want them. I have two, absolutely wanted them, absolutely love them, but they have absolutely turned my life inside out and upside down. Don’t have children to save a marriage, if you’re on such different pages then let him go.

But also, don’t plod. 33 is too young to be plodding! It sounds like you’re at a huge crossroads, whichever road you take make sure you seek joy in your life.

You need to be 100%. I've never been close to this, and am happily childfree by choice.

Someone once told me they'd rather regret not having children than regret having them, and that stuck with me. Having children is an irreversible choice.

I think it's very hard when you both want different things. There isn't a halfway measure here. Kids are really hard work and life changing. If it's not for you, it's not fair on you or the kids to have them.

Time is running out for you and at 80 percent sure at 33 it's clear you don't want them.

Let him go, it was silly to get married when you wanted different things in life.

This is such a fundamental d

Aargh... posted early.

This is such a fundamental difference that whichever way you decide to go, one person will end up resenting the other.

I'm sorry to say this, but it sounds like you both need to go your own way.

Op what was dh's reaction when you said you didn't want children before getting married? If it was a deal breaker for him then he should have said so then. Maybe he hoped you changed your mind, but if that's the case then that was foolish of him and unfair on you.

If you were 80% sure you didn't want to do something that would fundamentally change your life forever, would you do it because someone else wanted to go halves on it?

I'm thinking that the chats you had about kids pre marriage weren't comprehensive, or you just both decided that you didn't agree, but it would come out in the wash. Well, this is the wash.

Do not, I repeat, do not throw kids into this situation as it will bring nothing but resentment and they deserve better. You're both young and can call it quits now and start afresh with partners that want what you want. Child free is an excellent choice if that's what you know you want.

Absolutely don't sleep walk into have DC for someone else.

You're 80% sure you don't want a child. You shouldn't have one for the sake of your husband. It's not fair on you and it's not fair on the potential child.