Silent treatment of mother in law

[Kardelen]

Hi!
So, mother in law was not happy with my husband for meeting a particular family member she does not like (to which we did not know she didn’t like).
now for the last two weeks she has been giving us the silent treatment.
we normally visit her on the weekends, and that’s what we did. Initially me and my toddler went to her door at knocked, to which she opened without a word and walked off back to the kitchen. I was really upset and tried to not affect me, but being pregnant makes it difficult.
from then on I tried to initiate a conversation and she just gave one word/short answers to my questions. With the toddler she gradually started talking to him calling his name etc etc.

my husbands brother said she told him she is upset for us not to leave ds with her alone- so that’s what we exactly did. Left him for around an hour or two. the reason why we were not leaving him with her was my husband didn’t want to cause trouble to her.

anyway, the day carried on with silence or short sentences. We left, and the silent treatment began again where she does not answer phone calls, or open video calls to see ds.

I haven’t been feeling too well as I am suffering from the 3rd cold in the last 2 months, have all the joys of pregnancy, looking after elderly parents and also working and off course have a toddler. But this is just making me feel even more worse and feeling bad for my husband. What do I do?
Has anyone gone through a similar situation?

You don't do anything and you certainly don't pander to her temper tantrums. You allowed her to have your child alone after the way she treated you? That's unbelievable. Tell your husband you officially retire from dealing with her nonsense and she is now his problem.

She's being an arsehole.

It's not going to be healthy for your son to see ypu being treated coldly by family so my advice would be to get your husband to have a short sharp conversation with her where he tells her he's an adult and is allowed to see his family members, even the ones she doesn't like. And if she doesn't grow up pronto then she's not going to have much of a relationship with any of you moving forwards.

Pandering to her nonsense was understandable but a mistake, this needs nipping in the bud asap. Otherwise she'll get the message that she can act as horribly as she likes and manipulate you all to get what she wants. That's not how you want to live the next 18 years, believe me!

I wouldn't bother going to see her if I was you.
And definitely don't leave your child with her.
I'd send her a text saying " happy to visit you again when you feel like talking. Let us know when you're ready."

Step right back and get on with your lives. She is being a twat, no need to give her more power to keep on upsetting you.

Don't pander to this. My mum used to be like this. We would leave immediately. If she did it on the phone I would say "oh you clearly don't feel like a chat, byeeee!" and down went the phone. Her favourite thing was giving the silent treatment when we were staying with her. Obviously the night before someone has said something that pissed her off and she's nursed it all night so you get up to frosty responses or silence over breakfast. It got so I could predict it. I would get up and pack very quietly, get kids ready etc. Downstairs, straight out to load car, breezy "well we must be off, no need for breakfast thanks, we will grab something en route, say good bye to grandma kids! Bye!" and out the door and off. Only had to do it twice.

i would have left the minute she started with the one word answers. your child doesnt need to be around someone who behaves like that. It is very damaging.

Step back and dont put yourself or child through that . Let your DH deal with his mother when she decides to start behaving like an adult

Just enjoy the peace. Tell her to get back in touch when she's over herself and leave her to it.

Never pander to this shit.

That’s exactly my thoughts, but not sure how to explain this to my husband.
The reason I left him was to see what she would actually do, and as expected she was on her phone and tv was on for the toddler.
but dh siblings were shocked we only left him for 1-2 hours. Sort of made dh feel guilty.

You tell your husband exactly what you've read here. You're no longer going to deal with her, and you're not leaving your child with her. You really need to grow a backbone, op.

I think this would’ve been a wiser choice. But at the time I was in tears and was trying to hide it! Unfortunately im an emotional person, and pregnancy does not help. Went through a similar situation when ds was born, silent treatment. So it gives me the flashbacks and I think it’s much deeper than it is.

If she wants to behave like a child then treat her like a child.

Pretend she's on the 'naughty step' and ignore her until she decides to contact you.

but dh siblings were shocked we only left him for 1-2 hours. Sort of made dh feel guilty.

Who gives a stuff what DH's siblings think? They aren't getting the 'cold shoulder' and need to MTOBB.

I think if it was my mum would’ve been easier, but as it’s the husband it’s difficult to try and balance things, as he gets hurt. He was refusing to talk about it that time.

did your mum stop after the two times?
dont get why they do this

Bliss I'd say.

She's being pathetic and acting like a child. Just because she doesn't like someone doesn't mean other people can't like them. What a twat.

Just stop trying to please her all the time. What even is the point?

Silent treatment is abusive, it is do everything I want otherwise I will punish you in this way. Also weirdly controlling that she did this because you met up with someone she doesn't like. It is like she is 12. Grown ups have conversations and sort out disagreements. Re it being abuse, just google it and show your husband.

The brother thing complaining at you also has a term, "flying monkey" from the Wizard of Oz, it means everyone gets roped into doing what one person wants no matter how unreasonable as she will no doubt give them the silent treatment.

You or your Dh needs to look into FOG - fear, obligation and guilt. Do you see her because you want to spend time in her happy, awesome company or because you know she will guilt trip you otherwise? Just food for thought.

As to what you do now? You read up, educate yourself on her behaviour and how to respond to it. There is a lot of support for this on the Relationships board which covers all relationships not just couples stuff.

Initially that’s what we thought the reason was. Well it emerged from there. Then apparently she said it’s because she isn’t alone with the toddler she wants to be alone. Or alone with me.
i think she’s suffering from mental health issues and is blaming us for it.
but it’s just embarrassing as she told the rest of the family including extended family that her blood pressure is raised- and apparently blamed us.

so my husband was feeling rather embarrassed about this and kept saying he needs to justify himself that it’s not him…
one of my brother in laws also did not acknowledge me while I was there, which makes me think they think it’s me?

yeah, she did have this episodes before and it was because of them but then they act like they’re not in fault. But they believe it when she blames us. Apparently she was crying last night so they had to take her out.

sometimes I think maybe seeing her once or sometimes twice a week is not enough? But then when will I ever have time for myself and my family? esp. when dh is only free from work on weekends. and dh supports her to some extent financially.

FOG seems bang on. I will have a read thank you. I’ll have a look at relationship board! Didn’t know it existed.

Honestly you both need to rise well above it all. So what if she blames you for all her woes? What do you actually think will happen? The fact that she feels you are responsible, doesn't make it so. Don't allow yourself to be drawn into this nonsense.

As for this "alone time with the toddler", like fuck would I pander to this. In fact we have a similar issue in our family and I don't pander to it. If she can't show you common decency and respect or behave like a grown up, then why on earth would you trust her to care for your most precious person in the world? No way. My kids are not left with people who I don't have a close and trusting relationship with. That's a hard line.

In a practical sense, this is very straightforward to deal with. Just approach it as you would a misbehaving child. When you get there and she opens the door and walks off, call her out! Don't just awkwardly let her disrespect you like that. "Gosh, you're off to the kitchen in a rush - have you got something on the stove?" Make her justify her behaviour. And when the one-word answers started I'd have spoken to her just like a child and said "Well I can see you're not able to make polite conversation today MIL so we'll be off. Why don't you call DH when you're in the mood for a visit and we'll arrange something. We'll let ourselves out!".

She's having a little tantrum and - oh look! - she got what she wanted, which was to have the toddler left with her. So that tactic worked nicely. But she'd rather have had a bit more time so hey, let's do a bit more tantrumming and maybe I'll get longer next time. Like a child, you have to show her that tantrums won't get her what she wants.

You both need to stop giving a shit what these silly people think about you. As long as you both can hold your heads up, that's all that matters.

@Puppers

💯 this ⬆️⬆️

summed up perfectly!!

You will never make this woman happy. She will want your time, then you, then your soul, then your child. She is trying to get you to do what she wants in the future. Now you have been ‘punished” by her silence, you won’t want to cross her in the future…she thinks.
if you do not feel able to ignore her, then take child to see her, if she does the silent thing, then leave after 5 mins. Go again as you would normally, silent treatment again, you leave again after 5 mins.
Never leave you child with someone who shows abusive behaviour.