Living with MIL

[Greenmoon1]

I am 4 months pregnant and unfortunately, due to a major family issue, my MIL has been living with us for almost 5 months.

she is a nice lady but she just talks all the time and I find myself getting stressed and actively avoiding her. She just never seems to understand that she’s too much, and it’s always me that has to find other things to do to get out of the house - my house - which is expensive and at this point in my pregnancy really tiring.

I've just about hit breaking point, I can’t stand being around her and spend time on my own crying upstairs and I know this isn’t good for my baby’s health. My parents don’t want me to move in with them because they think it will damage my relationship with my SO. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

She has bought a house but it’s taking ages and we don’t know if all will go through. She keeps saying she’s moving at the end of November but we haven’t had any official dates from anyone and she keeps buying stuff for her new house and clogging up our garage with it. I just want to be buying stuff for my baby but she’s taking up all the extra space. I am so fed up I just don’t know what to do.

cant you say your DM wants to pamper you so you are staying there for a couple of weeks and then just extend it a bit. ….,, and a bit more

I don’t think she’ll let me, she is really worried about it damaging the relationship if I move out 😬

who won't let you.
you need to do what's best for you, your health and thus the well-being of your coming baby.
nothing else matters, esp what other people think.
you are A1 priority.
don't waste time or energy trying to get others' agreement or understanding.
just act.
good practice for being a parent.
all the best.

This is awful and unsustainable. If you turned up with a suitcase would your mother really turn you away?
Surely your relationship is already being damaged. Surely it’s for you to say which is better for you - staying in your home while your MIL annoys you and fills the place up with her stuff, or moving out temporarily while you’re vulnerable.

Is it possible that your mother isn’t keen on you moving in for her own reasons but she’s trying to say it in a way that won’t hurt your feelings? Some people like their space and don’t want anyone to stay with them for weeks on end, no matter how lovely and well-meaning that person might be. You are not
homeless or unsafe and your mum has every right to say no. You need to talk to your partner and sort out the situation in your own house. He needs to set a hard deadline with his mum and get proof that it is happening, plus a plan for if it falls through. In the meantime there need to be rules — if his mum can’t respect your needs then she must leave the house or stay away from you for X amount of time per day. And she needs to clear out her things, even if that means paying for storage. Trust me a MIL like this is not going to get any better when there’s a baby in the picture. This is a good opportunity for your partner to learn how to set appropriate boundaries that prioritize the wellbeing of you and his child. It’s not easy but it’s better than moving out. You need to sort out these issues with your partner and you are entitled to stay in your own home. This would be true even if your mum was welcoming you with open arms, which she isn’t.

Yeah I'd try and go to your parents, even if it's just for a weekend to get some space. The issue isn't with your partner and I'm sure your relationship will be able to sustain after a few days apart.

Sorry this has happened and hope your MIL's house is ready very soon so you cAn get nesting and enjoy your pregnancy in your own home

I could have written this post a couple of years ago, except we were in lockdown and I wasn’t pregnant but suffering hugely from anxiety.

I had no family to turn to either. I desperately wished to have my own mum to go to, to save my sanity.

Can you be clearer with your parents? What does DP think or do about any of this? (Mine wasn’t much help to be honest!)

No she would never turn me away I think she’s just worried about me causing damage to my relationship with a baby on the way.

Yes you are right, it is already becoming damaged. I’m just not sure how to handle it, my partner is going through a lot with the fall out from his family and thinks I’m not supporting him enough. And I’m not anymore really, I’m finding it all too hard.

I do need to sort it out at home that’s so true. She is definitely in the process of buying a house, we know this is a fact, but it’s such a long process especially at the moment, I’m not so convinced where this November deadline has come from.

I’ve spoken to SO about the situation many many times and he says to me ‘what do you want me to tell her she can’t talk to you and must stay in her room?’ And it makes me feel like such a dick, I have to say no of course not. I don’t know how to set boundaries that don’t sound so unkind.

Thank you 💕💕

Oh I am sorry to hear that, I hope you are in a better situation now 💕

Partner thinks I am being unfair. He says his mother is going through the roughest time of her life and he needs to support her. He wants her out too but refuses to let her rent. He is doing his best to help her with the house she’s buying and to move it forward but for the time being in the house I don’t get much sympathy from him

You could go for a lie down/snooze every afternoon as you are exhausted/ have back problems/ hurt your knee/ migraines/nausea - she seems the sort of person whom it wouldn't occur to that they are the reason you are going.

State firmly you will get up at 4 or whenever so she doesn't feel the need to pop in on you.

Mil needs to move out. We're in a similar position and we are living at local caravan park until house is ready.

It sounds like your partner is trying to be a good son by caring for his mother, but in the process has forgotten that he also needs to care for you and his unborn child too! I don't think it's reasonable that you should have to isolate yourself away in your own home just to get a bit of respite.

• Can MiL move in with anyone else while the house move finalises?
• As a guest can she agree to go out of the house once or twice a week to meet friends/ do a hobby to give you some structured time alone?
• Can you (or ideally DP) gently say no more buying things for the house and storing them at yours as you need the space for baby-related purchases. She can pay for storage if she's that desperate to buy things before as I assume from your OP that she's not paying rent or contributing financially during her stay with you?

I'm sorry you're in this position OP as it sounds really challenging. Contrary to some other posts I do think part of the problem is your partner happily prioritising his mother's needs when actually yours are just as valid and important. Your MiL has other physical options for having accommodation while she waits for the move. But this is your home at a time when a safe and relaxed environment is important. Failing all else I personally would move into your mum's for a bit, it might help your partner to realise the impact this is having on you.

Thanks so much for all your lovely supportive messages they have meant to much 💕

it’s been a good week, MIL has arranged to stay with my partners brother for a long weekend and next weekend as well. I am spending a night a week with my parents which helps and MIL is going out for her dinner once a week.

I am just trying to take it day by day and imaging every day is one day less. I’ve told my partner that if this situation lasts longer than the end of November I will be moving out so he understands the seriousness.

Your MiL needs to find somewhere to rent very short term until her house purchase goes through. Let her store her stuff in your garage but as soon as the house purchase goes through, it's into a moving van with all of it!

Your partner needs to tell their mother that her staying isn't actually working out for BOTH of you after all and she needs to find somewhere to rent like an AirBnB that will allow someone stay for a month at a time type place.

I love (sarcasm there) that your SO think that you're being unfair. His refusal to let her rent is the issue here. He is the issue. Why can't your MiL say to her son "I have found a flat/place to rent for 1 month so I'll go there to stay from now on. Sure I'll be moving out of here anyway by the end of November so a few weeks early isn't going to kill me. I have to get used to living on my own anyway".

Very strange.

You must have the patience of a saint, she's already been with you 5 months 😬 storing everything in your garage 😬. Lol I couldn't do this, hope she's aware how much money she is saving with you guys and making a big financial contribution for all the inconvenience. Hope the next few weeks pass quickly for you xx

I’m so glad you sorted something to break it up! And got the seriousness across. Hope things move quickly!

I cannot tell you how happy it would make me if she did that