Abortion

[Mm1]

I am 21 I had an abortion in April. I am finding it so hard. I feel regretful, guilty, angry, upset. I know I’m young which is a reason for why I have done it. I have also wanted kids. I always thought I would like to be a young mam. I done it not thinking my emotions were everywhere. I panicked and done it. I questioned my choice I held the tablet and asked myself will I and I just thought do it. The minute I got home I wish I didn’t. I can’t get over thinking I should have a baby in my belly and thinking what it could have been. Deep down I know I have so much time for kids and I need to live my own life and travel the world but I still can’t get the other part of me regretting it. If I could go back knowing this is how I would feel I would never have done it. I have been going to counselling but I don’t feel it’s doing anything I can’t get out of bed in the mornings I left work due to been depressed. I find it hard to dress myself. I just don’t know how to cope anymore. I want to help myself but I don’t know how. Anyone go through the same and tips how to cope how to help get over this grief.

Hey OP. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I've been through similar. There can be some hormone shifts following abortion and it can be tough if you have a mixture of thoughts and feelings.

You mention the word grief. If you are feeling a sense of loss, of yourself or of your potential baby, there can be a lot of feelings to work through around that. It can be done, you can get to feel like yourself again.

I'm sorry you feel your counselling isn't helping. Do you think a different counsellor would help or are you finding any blocks you could maybe talk through with your counsellor?

Some other things that helped me were metta meditation, physical activity, going through the motions to keep everyday life going as much as possible and finding small feelings of interest in things and following them. I also did a structured recovery group on a non religious post abortion support website which helped me work through a lot of thoughts and feelings.

Know that you aren't alone, and you can get through this.

Bless you. I'm so sorry. I had exactly the same experience, so I can tell you the journey I've been through, and try to help you.

The hormonal shock is very strong, and this in turn intensifies the emotions you feel. I was the same - just woke up and cried. Cried for six weeks non stop. Had to give up my job as a trainee journalist. Nothing felt significant or worth doing, apart from what I felt I had lost. My bewilderment and self-recrimination were totally debilitating. I just sobbed.

The horrified realisation I had was that while everyone had told me my life would be ruined if I had the baby, in fact it was ruined by the grief of not having her.

But: you will gradually return to yourself. You will make peace with yourself and what has happened. I went away to an island for a year. Nature helped kind of soothe me. But I really should have had counselling. Nowadays post-abortion trauma is very much a recognised response that some women experience, and it is not just feeling sad for a while then bouncing back - it is really severe and it can, as you say, just stop you functioning. So I would say you really must go to your GP and/or find online a specialist counsellor and go to see them. I'm sure this way you will heal much quicker and better than I did.!

I ultimately have found the best peace I can by listening to my heart and understanding that my child would not want her mummy to cry. I actually went back this summer to the beautiful island I'd been to just after. And I confronted myself and said ok, what would she say to you? And it would only be don't cry, Mummy. It's ok. Smile again. Please.

You went through with this because you thought it was the best and most sensible choice. For your child and for you. You can only do your best, and that's what you did.

You will get over this. And much quicker and easier with counselling.

Go easy on yourself. This is a natural process and in time the feelings will subside and fade. 💐

Try something like this:

www.archtrust.org.uk/

Abortion and recovery care and helpline

Give them a call asap Xxx

Be kind to yourself. You had a difficult choice to make and you tried your best to make the right one for you at that time. Going over that decision again and again can only hurt you.

I’d be very wary of using a service that’s part of an anti abortion charity (the link posted above)

Just to add - I was also 21 xxx

I feel I speak about everything but my abortion with my counselor. I feel so embarrassed of what I have done. I think I will look into meditation, I just feel lost I don’t know who I am anymore. I was thinking of going to my gp And ask for antidepressants but I don’t know if that’s something I would want long term for myself

Mrsclarkeandpercy thank you. I only found this website last night and have never spoke to anyone who had an abortion. I feel like I want to run I am so lost I have friends but don’t want to be around them really. I want to leave the country and just go somewhere else. In reality I know that isn’t going to help

Unless I'm misremembering it that organisation has a very specific viewpoint to promote.

I would stick with your current counselor or try a non directional support service via local health services.

I felt really embarrassed too, and angry with myself as a result. Which is a tough place to be- because people don't talk about abortion in public very much even though it happens a lot, you can end up quite isolated with your own tricky feelings and then when you fall out with yourself over it, there's no one else there to support you. The metta meditation helps with making up with yourself , if you focus on the very first part, wishing yourself well. I also as part of the group work wrote a letter to myself about how embarrassed and angry and disappointed I was, and then another with more of the same but also wanting to make peace with myself so I could move forward. Maybe your counsellor could help you with something similar? It might sound a bit weird or cheesy but it did help me. I did travel too but the real healing came when I came back and tackled this. Counselling is all about non-judgment so you should be safe to open up and talk about it all. It can feel like it's going to make things worse, if it's upsetting for you to talk about, but it does help in the long run.

Well: just hold on to this: you absolutely are not alone.

And actually, leaving the country did help me. I was on an isolated island, only accessible by boat. Most of the population were older women. I mean in their 90s, 100+. And what was interesting was, they all though I was pregnant. They could see and feel what had been, very recently.

I understand why you don't want to be around friends. For me, all of the usual occupations and interests, the dinners, the chats, the concerns - it was all not just trivial, but completely pointless, like nothing. Nothing was important any more.

I think changing the landscape can help. It helped me, but I didn't have the counselling to back it up. So I ended up with PTSD proper, and then getting triggered by the birth of my next child, and even by having a tooth taken out. I had wounds not properly healed.

You need sometimes to help direct a counsellor. Just say next time: I'm actually not talking about the only important thing to me.

And then let the counsellor try to draw this out.

Personally I would get a plane ticket and go to an island, but that's just my remedy.

Do PM me if you'd like to talk more. It's a bit anxiety-inducing, talking about such personal things publicly.

I didn't realise it was - I just googled post abortion trauma help.

I suppose that if they're dealing with post abortion trauma as a speciality, it follows they might not thing abortion the best thing, though.

I have given up even daring to speak my experience really.

I messaged you. Thank you all very much

@MrsClarkandPercy
which island did you go to ?