Suprise wedding invitation - rekindle ailing friendship or not?

[MrsBadger]

At university we were all good friends, after graduating we all lived in London and still saw a lot of each other, went skiing together, he read at our wedding etc.

Then he got a girlfriend we hadn't known before, we left London and bought a house etc and we saw them less often. We sent christmas cards, a happy-new-house card when they bought a flat etc but by 2y ago they weren't returning calls, emails, invitations etc and we were feeling pretty snubbed.

A year ago we found out completely by chance they'd got engaged and DH was - well, heartbroken would be a bit strong, but very upset and angry - that they hadn't wanted to even let us know, and wouldn't let me send a card.

Heard nothing from them when dd was born in the summer.

Today, with 6wks notice and no prior warning, we got an invitation to the wedding.

DH thinks we were on the B-list, only got invited because someone dropped out, they don't really want us there and we shouldn't go.

I think it'll be a good bash, it's only 2h away so we needn't even get a hotel if we don't want to, and it might be if not an olive branch at least a good chance to start over.

What do you think, oh wise MNers?

I would go, see if the friendship is still there. If you don't you will always wonder.

Sheesh, tell your DH to stop being such a growlypants and go! It's a free meal, free drink, nice day out and maybe you will rekindle your friendship. Maybe they have had a horrible year or something. But even if you go and the friendship remains a feeble little squib, you will have had a good day out - what have you got to lose?

Olive branch... perfect time to sort it all out/start again.

If you don't - your DH can't EVER say they haven't tired etc because IMO, this is them trying - so what if it's a B list option; they could have chosen someone else for it couldn't they

I think you probably were on the B-list, but if they really didn't want you there they wouldn't have invited you - they probably just didn't have room for olive branch-type invitations in A-list.

I'd go.

Ah why not, for old time's and that. Likely to be lots of other old mates there that could make it a potential good laugh?

If it's not inconvenient to you in cost/time terms then I would go. I really like weddings anyway and you could well have a lovely time and enjoy meeting up with old friends.

It's really sad when people do move on in life and lose touch but this is an opportunity to say hello again.

Not sure about the wise bit but if it were me I would go. Like you say a good bash, I presume there will be other friends you haven't seen for awihle there. A good chance to all meet up again.

I understand the feeling snubbed bit but I know how difficult it can be to lose touch with good friends. 'm guilty of that myself, even with some very local ones.

Go. Wont your other college friends be there too?

Some people do only send out invitiations 6 weeks before. The timing doesn't mean you are B list.

And even if you are, it's worth going, just to see if you still have something there.

If there isn't, you'll be in the same place as if you declined.

We saw some friends we hadn't seen since college at some other friends' party a couple of weeks before we got married. So we invited them then, they came, and we are now back in touch. It was obvious that they weren't first string invitees - we didn't even have their address - but it worked out well inthe end, and no-one was offended.

Gosh, I'm wondering whether DH and I offended any of our old friends by not really announcing our engagement to anyone. After we decided to get married we pretty much just let the news seep out gradually as neither of us really felt like making a big deal of the engagement itself. We're just not announcy people.

It sounds like your DH is quite touchy - your descriptions of events makes it sound more like a gradual diversion of paths more than any kind of falling out.

I would just go, but then I wouldn't have been offended by not being told directly about the engagement or by possibly being on the B-list for the wedding of people I'd grown apart from. Doesn't sound you are much either.

Probably a good time for your more forgiving nature to take the lead over your DH's more grudge-bearing instincts.

We didn't announce anything either.

DH isn't really that grouchy a person, but I think to have been dropped so comprehensively and for no apparent reason after being so close (they dyed their hair blond together, went on holiday together, neither has a brother) hurt him more than he wants to admit to himself.

I can totally understand your DH's attitude to be honest. I have lost touch with a v.good friend in a similar fashion and I would have found it very difficult to go to her wedding on 6 weeks notice and no prior contact for ages

BUT there is every chance this is an olive branch, and if it is not too much hassle to go, a strategic early exit can be arranged (baby sitter problems/need to leave as DD not feeling great), and it is only 2 hours away, it is probably worth going in order to see if that is the case. Your DH could be suprised, it could all be lovely - and if not, then it will put a full stop to the whole affair.

I wish I'd made a bit more of an effort with the friend I 'fell out' with a few years back when I could - now it is too difficult, too long ago, and I am too far away.

(people have B lists? )

I don't honestly think that you do rekindle relationships at weddings - you only get about 5 minutes to spend with anybody; most of my friends only actually remember the people they were closest to, and then a large blur of other people

We did once get an invitation from a friend of dh's to his wedding but realised that if we didn't even know the woman he was marrying, the friendship was over already, and there was very little point

I would write and say you had a prior arrangement for that weekend (it is short notice after all) but say you would love to meet up and see what they suggest

The ball is then in their court and if they were looking to rekindle a relationship they can call and you can meet at another less frantic occasion

And it would answer your dh's worries about them not really wanting to see you, one way or another

Oh right, I see Mrs.B, sorry I got the impression that they were more friends from a group of friends than that he and the guy had been so close. I still think your inclination to accept the invitation is the happier way to go if you can talk your DH into the right frame of mind iyswim.

cappucino I didn't know about B lists either, it's quite an unpleasant idea really, but people can end up wanting to invite more friends than they have room/money. Really an invitation is an invitation. Nobody invites people they don't want to see (well except the odd mad third cousin who invites himself, but in general).

I don't know about the rekindling thing - it meant an awful lot to me that people came to our wedding. Although I didn't necessarily get to spend a lot of time with everyone who came I do remember everyone that was there and it made me feel like they were a part of my life again even though some of them I hadn't seen for a while.

(and MrsJC, dd is only 5m and currently a grumpy non-sleeping goblin, so the chances of any of us making it past 9pm are frankly slim)

I think we will go - we'll know if they mean it as an olive branch by who they sit us with. If it's Fencers of '99 rather than Random Exes we will have a great time and all will be ok.

oh and I know it's unlikely they'll get back together (as it were) at the wedding itself, but it'd be nice of it were the beginning of a gradual drift back together, iyswim.

The more I think about this the more it reminds me of those horrible falling-aparts schoolgirls have that are worse than being dumped by a boy and you end up crying in the loos.