Hi,
No judgement please - I am after advice and support. I am in my mid 30's and have 2 children. I have drank alcohol since the age of 18; not frequently, once every couple of weeks on the weekends. Some of my booze filled nights over the years are a little blurry and I have drank a little too much alcohol on numerous occasions but nothing concerning or worrying. I have never craved alcohol or drank during the day or during the week and have only ever drank socially.
During the pandemic, I was unable to work. I drank more frequently during this time than I ever have before, maybe a once or twice per week. I must add that during the pandemic I lost a parent and also discovered that my husband of 15 years had been having an affair. It was a traumatic time in my life and I struggled mentally for many months. Despite this however, my drinking was never excessive and did not concern me.
Fast forward 12+ months and I am starting to worry about my drinking. I am not drinking on a frequent basis, maybe once or twice per month, but when I do drink alcohol I seem to be unable to stop, consuming far too much alcohol and waking up with memory loss and a terrible hangover. Not only this, most of these nights end in me being an emotional wreck, me starting arguments on my husband and/or me regretting things that I have said and feeling ashamed and embarrassed the day after I drink which is leading to 2-3 days of worry, anxiety and low mood. No matter how much I tell myself to drink less next time, I am ending up in the same position most times I drink, waking up and saying "oh nooo, not again!!"
I do not drink during the week or alone and never crave alcohol or feel that I need it. But when I do decide to have a drink socially, once I have 1 drink it's like a downward spiral - it always starts off fun and I'm enjoying myself and having a laugh, and then before I know it, I'm 6-7 drinks in and drunk!! Then I'm waking up in the same predicament, regretful and full of shame.
I never used to be like this - I used to be able to have a few and happily go home relatively sober. Now...it feels like when I drink, I never want the party to end and always end up taking it too far.
I suppose my question is, has anyone else found themselves in this situation?
Does anybody have any advice in relation to what is going on here?
I feel like there must be something wrong with me and I am starting to hate myself.
Am I mentally unstable and my emotions are just coming out when I'm drunk?
Just to note when I am sober, I do not suffer from anxiety or low mood, only when I am hungover and worrying about my drunken behaviour....
If anyone could offer advice/support I would be extremely grateful.
Thank you.