DS1 obsessed by bullying friend

[Trifle]

Ds1 (nearly 5) is very good friends with a boy in reception he has known for a year but whom I do not think is a particularly good influence. This boy is very loud and domineering and demands attention and if ds1 does not do as he is commanded this boy shouts and basically screams even louder until his is obeyed. To me this is bullying. This boy recently came round to play and when ds1 didnt do as told this boy said ds1 couldnt come to his party, would not be his friend etc until ds1 complied with his demands. At a recent party ds1 stuck like glue to this boy to the total exclusion of all other children, even his brother whom he refused to have anything to do with for fear that this boy would go off and play with someone else. In the playground this boy always instigates games in which he is the 'daddy' and ds1 always has to play the role of baby. Ds1 seems happy to go along with it and I cannot seem to get through to him that when this boy makes threats ds1 should just say 'fine, I'll play with my other friends then' and walk off. Ds1 seems totally willing to comply with this boys demands for fear of losing a friend. Unfortunately they are both in the same reception class so spend all day together, all break times and it's impossible to split them up. Ds1 is such a sheep, has always been a follower to those who are stronger and he is showing the same bullying tactics to his younger brother when he tries to force him into doing what he wants. This has been going on for a year now and I cannot see a way to prise ds1 away from his boy. DS1 is obviously popular as he goes to a party virtually every weekend but so does this boy as well as they are viewed as a package. Is it better to have one dominant friend and one compliant one to ease the peace or should they be more on an equal footing which may cause its own conflict.

I would be concerned as well butydont know any advice.

This is tricky and i don't really have any real advice, but is there any chance you could approach his mother and talk about it. She might be unhappy with his behaviour too! And you could try to invite another of his friends on a very regular basis to your house until they become a 'package'!

the first thing i would do is see if you can (discreetly) arrange for them to be seated apart at school. i'm not sure if this would work or not.

it's so hard because your son seems happy in this friendship, as an adult you can see there is an unhealthy balance that as children they are probably totally unaware of.

not really sure what to advise, but i hope you can sort this out....

Talk to your ds's teacher about your concerns.

I had a very similar situation arise in a y1 class I taught. After one of the parents discussed her concerns with me, I worked things through with both sets of parents (had individual meetings with them). It was agreed that for the sake of both the boys social/emotional development, I would actively encourage them extending their friendship group so they didn't focus on each other so much.

It's fairly easy for a teacher to ensure that children have time apart from each other/in separate groups in the classroom. The playground is trickier but it can be done. I talked to the two boys and explained that we were going to find a way to help them have happier playtimes (there was often lots of tears and anger between the two of them on returning to the classroom after breaktime). We agreed that for a trial period of two weeks they would not play with each other at playtime. The issue was discussed in class "circle time" ( and would like to spend some time with some other friends for a while as they have been making each other sad etc).

Other children in the class volunteered to make sure that each boy had other friends to play with at playtime. I spoke to all my colleagues so that when I wasn't on playground duty, they would keep an eye on whether this trial 2 week period was working.

I'm glad to say that it did - it worked really well (I think I extended it to a month). A new friendship circle opened up for each child and they stopped "living in each other's pockets". In the longer term (I took the class into year 2), they began playing together again, but within the context of the bigger friendship circles they had established.