Hi ,
I would like your opinion on this as I have asked everybody else and still I feel frustrated about this and I can't get it out of my mind .
My father-in--law passed 15 months ago in the second lockdown of a brain tumor . He had fought cancer for 3 years which started from a mole on his cheek. When it got to the point of he needed caring at home in his final moments he was discharged from Guys hospital early by his daughter who is a nurse before we could set up any professional carers stating she would care for him. After 4 days she realised she couldn't do it as it was her father and left us all to cope on our own not knowing what to do and went back to where she lived.
The rest of the family , his mum and sister couldn't cope , I offered to step up but then ended up being put on and relied on 100% . I was there every day 8-7 pm , my mother-in-law refused to accept he was dying and would leave the house every day , sometimes for hours . The daughter would come daily but she would just sit with her dad until he fell asleep then sat in their conservatory until it was time to pick up her daughter . I was left to make tea for people who came to visit , help my MIL , I used to wash my FIL hair , trim it, cut his nails . He liked me doing it because I was gentle with him .
When he passed it broke my heart . I was devastated the whole episode really affected me .
I have mental health issues and I was seeing my psychiatrist every week via Skype just to get through the weeks . I was there 6 months . In those 6 months I couldn't see my own month in fear of infecting my FIL.
After the funeral my MIL was a complete mess she didn't want to go back to the house, she was so lost without her husband . I told my SIL she had to her through it that she wasn't just going to go back home to normality. My SIL said it would be up to me and her to look after her mum ! I was gobsmacked. I told her straight , I was not going to be there , I hadn't seen my mum in 6 months , she was starting to get unwell and my mental health was declining . Well, she didn't care about any of that , said I was very selfish , that I should be there for her mum and I was abandoning her .
She isn't an only child , she has 2 brothers and a sister too.
It turned out my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, I had lost the last 6 months of my mum . I bitterly regret that because what I did for that family just wasn't enough.
If you think it ends there then you are very wrong , it gets worse ....
6 months ago my mother in law got diagnosed with asbestos related lung cancer , we were told told it is terminal . It I was such a cruel blow after losing my FIL not so long ago . Now you'd think my SIL would be devastated , would want to be there for her mum , crying in devastation . No! The complete opposite . Since her mother had to move in with her after losing her dad she turned nasty towards her mum , treating her badly , my MIL was so upset . I found this out and I made sure we shared her coming to us and told my SIL she was out of order and she should cherish her mum as she is all she has left ( this was all before we found out about the diagnose) . So when we did find out she told me that her mum would just have to go home and deal with it as it wasn't fair, she couldn't look after her . I was livid and asked her what was fair about being given a terminal diagnosis. To grow up.
My MIL stayed there a few days and then at mine and it was ok at first , but then I could see she was withdrawn , upset always cold . I found out when they went to work they left her in a freezing cold house with a blanket , because she was having chemotherapy it made her really cold .
Slowly by each day suddenly she was at my house every day and her daughter stopped looking after her and would just call her . It became too much for me as we had set up a care plan , my 2 sisters and I to look after our mum at home . I found it so hard, she needed looking after too , cooking for , showering , changing beds . She was my mum I wanted to spend as much time as I could with her .
Then the crunch came when my two SIL's agreed amongst themselves that I could take my MIL by train to some appointments to GUys hospital . My MIL could barely walk , I suffer from social anxiety I completely lost the plot .
It was at that point my body shut down and I became really ill. My MIL had to go to my SILs house and it took 6 weeks for me to recover . I knew after that I couldn't have my MIL back like that again . I kept having panic attacks at the thought of it . My husband and I came to an agreement that she would only be with us Saturday and Sunday's because he would be there to look after her and to help .
The whole ordeal made my rheumatoid arthritis worse and I had the biggest flare up and was put on steroids.
However, my SIL was very angry, I was selfish to leave her to look after her mother , despite her knowing I was ill, my mother having Alzheimer’s, which she never asked me , or has ever asked me how she is since being diagnosed.
Again with the selfishness and she feels sorry for her brother , my husband that he has to endure the rest of his life with me so why don't I do something about it and put an end to his misery .
It's safe to say I will never talk to her again and that last statement has me in sessions with my psychiatrist every week because when you suffer from bipolar you don't need to hear that.
.