what to do with a friendship gone bad?

[Sugarmagnolia]

There's a woman I've been friends with for about 7 years now. There's actually a group of us, some closer than others, but basically we all socialise together, have kids similar in ages who go to the same school etc. Early last year she fell out with one of the other girls. After that she started avoiding seeing people at the school gate. She would invite us round or invite our kids round to play but then next time I saw her she would ignore me. She was invited to join in a big group fundraiser we were all working on together and chose not to get involved. A couple of months ago when I sent her an email to say I was concerned about something that I'd seen happen to her DS at school she ignored me.

It's gotten worse and worse to the point where it is unbearable to accidently run into her and I've been trying to make attempts to get together with her and talk. I've tried emailing her, phoning, even waiting for her at the school gate to talk to her face to face. But it seems every attempt is met with accusations from her about how everything is my fault. I should have tried to patch up her friendship with this other woman I should have made sure she got involved with the fundraiser. I should have invited her to my house more often etc, etc. It seems she has convinced herself that after this argument almost a year ago that all her friends suddenly turned their backs on her, not the other way round. She doesn't seem able to take take any responsibility for the way things have gone and is just full of anger and set on blaming everyone and everything except herself. I actually think she probably needs some serious help.

I would really like to make peace but don't know how much longer I can keep trying. Do I just let it go and pretend to be civil when I see her? Would love to know what all the wise old MNers think.

Oh sugar it's awful isn't it? Had exactly this with my friend & neighbour 8 years ago when I started my business & she objected (long story another time) I rang, wrote letters & even went round several times & I could hear her telling the kids not to open the door.That Christmas she sent back the prezzies I left with her hubby for the kids!All very hurtful & over the years I tried again several times but no it was ignored & I heard from others it was my fault.

In the end I decided the choice was hers. I wrote a long letter to that effect that I had tried to discuss things to at least come to an amicable disagreement, but that if SHE chose to prolong the argument then that as up to her. I would always value her friendship & the door would be open to discuss things if & when she felt the time was right.

She never took that offer up I still see her in the street & breezily say "morning" & smile as I have always done & just passed by. Nothing more you can do really & although it's hurtful at first life goes on & REAL friends will still be around.You have done your best.

Well, she's grown woman. If she fell out with someone else, I'm not sure how it is your responsbility to ensure she made up that friendship. You have made all sorts of overtures which have all been rebuffed. It's frustrating when you hear that she's spreading around a different version of events, but I suspect most people that she's spoken to will know that it is unlikely to be down to you.

Some people thrive on dramas. It sounds as though she did at first, but it's now gone on for so long, she can't see any way back. I think all you can do is smile and say hello when you see her, but accept that this is one friendship which has run its course.

Let it go, Sugar.

I think the other posters are right. You've done everything you can under the circumstances and now's the time to move on.

Of course smile and say hello when you see her.

I think you have done more than is required here, it is up to her now.

Freckle I think you are right when you say some people thrive on drama- definately my (ex)friends case.

Freckle - you've hit the nail on the head - how was it my responsibility to ensure that she made up her friendship with another grown woman? If she had asked me to help her sort things out that might have been different but as she's not one to share her feelings with people how was I supposed to know? It would never have occurred to me to that it was anyone's responsibility other than her own. She seems to think I knew exactly what she was thinking and going through when in all this time she never once said! And you're also right about the fact that it's gone on for so long now she can't see a way back. (You're very clever really, do you do this for a living? )

Although I feel hurt by her behaviour as well I don't even really want an apology or anything from her. All I'm asking for is for her to accept that I did not deliberately set out to hurt her, for her to understand that I couldn't possibly have known what was going on for her when she never said. Because if she really believes I'm the sort of person who would go out of my way to ostracize her then there's no way to move on from this.

I've given her about half a dozen days in the next two weeks when I could meet her to talk but so far not one of them is any good for her! I've just left it by saying she should let me know when she is free.

That's all you can do Sugar well done for trying but she has to make the next move.

Some people just drop out of our lives at different stages don't they?

If you've given her several chances to meet half-way, then you're obviously a good friend and she's a fool not to realise that. Her loss, really.