An update

[LiamsMum]

Just a bit of an update on what's going on with dh's 16 1/2 yr old son now (from the Had some bad news today thread). Dh's son - let's call him David - has been living with his stepfather, sister and 20 yr old brother for the last two months, since their mother is no longer there. They live close to David's school and his grandmother, and all his friends live close by. (Dh, ds and I live quite a long distance away.) Anyway, dh is getting the guilts about David living with his stepfather because I think he feels responsible to have him under his own roof (because he is under 18). Problem is, David has not lived with dh since he was a baby, so he has no memory of living with dh and he has always lived in this particular area where he is living now. David only has one more year of high school left and he really wants to stay at the same school, but if he lived with us, it would mean catching two different buses and his travelling time would be at least 3 hours every day. In other words, he would have to get up at about 6.15am every morning just to get to school by 8.30am. He doesn't know anyone in our area because all his friends and relatives live close to where he is living now, so he would be much more isolated. DH has a very busy job and travels quite a lot, so there would be times when dh is not here anyway - he struggles to even make time for ds and I!!! What does everyone think about the situation? I just feel that the most obvious solution is to let him stay where he is, because he wants to join the defence forces when he leaves school anyway, which is not that much longer. I know dh feels responsible for him but I don't think he's considering the situation from all angles. He supports David financially, keeps in regular contact with him and David also comes to stay with us about every second weekend. It's turning into a bit of a debate issue between dh and I, as we seem to see things very differently and - realistically - I already get left with 95% of the responsibility of looking after my ds, because dh has so little spare time as it is. Thanks once again for listening...

Liamsmum, as David is 16.5yrs old (and could get married at that age!) I think the decision should be his. Of course, I'm assuming his step-dad, db etc are happy for him to stay.

yes, i agree with suedonim, what does david want?

I agree with Suedonim- what does David want to do? That seems like the most important thing. If David wants to come and live with you full-time sort it out from there, including pinning DH down on how he will find time for all his responsibilities. You may be worrying about nothing if David's wish is to stay in his current area.

One thing- and I hope this doesn't sound too harsh because it's just an observation- you sound a bit like you think that your and your little ds's needs are MORE important than David's and I'm not clear why this should be the case really. I think the needs of a 16 yr old- especially one who has just lost his mother- are just as important, if different, and your dp is right to be thinking about the best support he can offer his son. Please don't think I'm criticizing- it must be very, very difficult for you- I'm sure I'd be all at sea too if I was suddenly expected to live with a 16 y.o.

It does sound like there's not enough of your dh to go round at the moment. Is that part of the problem? Does he see that David is primarily HIS responsiblity or does he seem to be expecting you to do all the work of looking after and supporting David if he comes to live with you? Is there anything he can do to scale down his work commitments at this difficult time?

ScummyMummy > you said "It does sound like there's not enough of your dh to go round at the moment. Is that part of the problem? Does he see that David is primarily HIS responsiblity or does he seem to be expecting you to do all the work of looking after and supporting David if he comes to live with you?" This is exactly the problem. No, unfortunately dh can't downscale his responsibilities at the moment because he is holding down two jobs, and barely has time to scratch himself. I know that I would get left with most of it, and yes that is a problem to me.

"David" has said that he absolutely wants to remain at his school. That would not be practicial if he was living with us because of the distance. So now dh is talking about pulling David out of his current school and sending him to another one, in his last year of high school, which doesn't make sense to me as David is doing ok at school and doesn't want to change.
Mine & ds's needs are not more important than David's, but perhaps I have become a bit cynical - dh has promised me things over the years that he has never carried through, and it's all very well to promise me that he will take responsibility for his own son, but I know it will all come down to me in the long run.

Sounds awful, Liamsmum. I can see that it would be a big problem if dh is not around enough to take the main responsibility for him. I really need to leave for work right now but I will try and write more later. I think basically that if David wants to come and live with you everyone should welcome him but it should be on the understanding that dh looks after the majority of his needs. And makes enough time for you and Liam- your needs ARE equally important and it sounds like he's not doing a lot to meet them atm. Sorry things aren't going so well. Hope you feel better soon.

Another thing that dh is saying at the moment is that David's wishes are not relevant, because he is the father and has the final say in what happens. This doesn't seem right to me either.

LiamsMum ... I have no experience to draw from to help you but this is my gut reaction to your dilemma ... it might be helpful or it might not ... hope it is a bit ...

I think that it might possibly be very detrimental to David's last year at school if your DP was to pull him out now ... especially if he has expressly said that he wants to stay with his friends and with the people he knows ...

I just feel that young people of that age can be so sulky and resentful about anything that life throws at them that after the tragic loss of his mother, an upheaval like that could maybe be really bad for him ... He might really resent his father for dragging him away which would not be good for their relationship ... and he might rebel totally (if he is that kind of a kid) and not do well in his final year ...

My parents moved us around a lot when we were children and teenagers (for different reasons) and I know that my older brother and sister - aged 16 and 15 at the time of our last move - found it particularly hard at that age ...

Thinking of you ...

Dear Liamsmum
A young person of 16 really has to be treated like an adult in that the decision must be his of where to live right now. He could leave home entirely if he wanted to at his age so your dh thinking he has the final say over "David's" life is not actually true. Plus, in this particular situation where David has not lived his childhood with dh then everything must be by negotiation, including with you.

Liamsmum, it would be terible for your dh to suddenly start deciding things for David now. It sounds from your previous messages as if your dh was not that involved in David's life before his mother died. Whilst David does need to know that his father is there for him, he could very easily rebel if dh suddenly starts treating him like a child.
If David wants to stay where he his, he should be allowed to do so. It does seem as if your dh is feeling guilty about allowing somebody else to look after his son, rather than considering what is best for him.
Good luck in sorting this all out

I agree - David should choose were he wants to live, not your dh, and if he chooses to live with you, your dh and David need to negotiate how this will work with you and your ds so that everyone is happy.

Whatever David decides to do, he's only 16 and plans can go wrong and life can get a bit scary. So I think he needs to feel the invitation is always there to come and live with you - and that he has your dh's unconditional love. I'm sure that's the case, but now would be a good time to strongly reinforce the message to him, so there is no doubt in his mind.

At this difficult time when he has lost his mother, I'd imagine he needs all the security he can get.

Liamsmum, you said that David has said he absolutely wants to stay at his school, but I don't think you said if he wants to come to live with you, and if he thinks he could cope with the travelling to his school.

If he does want to live with you and stay at his school I think it would be fair to give it a try. (How does he behave on his weekends at your house? Does he get on quite well with you and your DS?) If he wants to stay with his stepfather but have the option of coming to you later your DH shouldn't try to make him come to you now. As Tigermoth said, a 16-yr-old who has just lost his mother needs a lot of emotional support and stability, and telling him what he should do and trying to make him leave all his friends would make life very difficult for everybody concerned.

Have you, DH, stepfather and David got together to discuss this at all?

Liamsmum, I meant to add, as far as a discussion is concerned, that all of you have feelings and rights in this situation (moral rights if not legal ones - I mean I'm not sure if your DH is legally right that David's wishes are "not relevant" but he's on shaky ground morally) and yours count as much as anybody's.

Like you and scummymummy I'd be all at sea suddenly expected to live with an unrelated 16-yr-old boy, and I have teenagers already! So don't feel bad about your own reluctance. I hope you can all come to a decision that suits you all. Your DH has got to consider everybody's feelings. Good luck.

Thanks so much everyone, it really helps to hear the viewpoints of others because you can tend to get so wrapped up in the situation that you don't know what's right or wrong anymore. My SIL suggested last night that perhaps if David has a school friend that he can live with during the school week (while dh pays for his board and lodging) it would give him a family environment to live in while he's at school, and then he could come to us on the weekends. I thought this made sense and I will talk to dh about it, and then we can see what David thinks of the idea.

Janh, in answer to your question, I get along fine with David but he tends to get bored after being with us for only a couple of days (no friends in our area). And when he gets bored, he complains, and you know how a teenager's attitude can be!!! I do find it tedious. All in all he's ok, but I do think it would be a challenge at times... we'll see what happens anyway.

Dear liamsmum what a difficult situation.My sympathies - its hard enough at times to be patient with your own teenagers let alone a stepson who has seen so many major upheavals in the last few weeks.
The teachers among us would be able to answer this better than me but I imagine a change of school would not be ideal educationally at this stage.If he stays at the same school 3 hours travelling daily would be exhausting plus I assume that at his age he has a couple of hours homework daily?
Whatever is decided I think that it HAS to be with Davids participation and agreement.Just telling a teenger that he has to make a fairly major life change (on top of the other recent changes) is surely the quickest way to alienate him? And if I remember correctly from your original posting there have been problems with the older son?Would he be coming too? What about the sister - i presume she is from the second marriage .Does the step father actually want David to leave? It seems to me that it would be a case of splitting up a family if David had to come and live with you.Surely it would be better to carry on as things are.
In the end though I think your husband really has to respect Davids wishes.

Liamsmum, it just occurred to me reading your last post....I wonder if your husband is testing YOU in some way rather than actually wanting David to come and live with you. Maybe he just wants to Hear that You want to have his son in your home rather than actually planning on it in any real way. At 16, David is old enough to choose where he wants to live, but your dh may think that David needs to hear that he has a choice even if it seems fairly clear that he will stay where he is. And he is probably not even aware that this "testing" of you is what is really going on. Why don't you try calling his "subconcious" bluff and pretend that you would welcome David with open arms into your home and that you think it's a great idea. I bet that they whole thing will disappear really quickly and he will happily choose to stay where he is and your dh will happily leave him there.

p.s. My dh's ex periodically calls up to threaten us that she is going to send his younger child (8) to live with us. She always expects me to say no, but I always say Yes (even though it would be a great hardship for all of us) and insist that it would have to be for a minimum of several years if he came. It always works, she then says she'll keep him for a while longer and see how it goes and the subject is dropped for 6 months.

sofiaAmes, re testing reactions - I think that's a great point. As you say, perhaps it's not just David who needs to know that he's welcome to stay - David's father needs to know this too.