Have you had the 'who will look after the elderly parents' conversation yet?

[Moomin]

Had an interesting conversation with my boss yesterday. He's an old friend as well as being my new Headteacher and he's been very supportive not only of staff with young families (part-timers/flexibility for those with young families) but also of staff like my line manager who has cut her hours to help support her elderly and sick parents.

I'm keen for promotion and plan to increase my hours over the next few years as the dds get older, (I'm 0.6 at the moment) maybe to go back full-time when they're both a school (not sure yet though). He reminded me though that my dad (who's a widower) even though he's very active and independent is 82 after all, and will probably increasingly need our support in the coming years, assuming nothing 'sudden' happens.

It got me thinking and I talked about it to dh when I got home. Dh is a complete hero and has suggested that if a promotion comes my way at the right time that he decrease his hours if my dad needs support and dh be the care-provider. It may not turn out like this, of course, but it's shocked me that I've never even thought about this before. Stupid really, given my dad's age but I kind of assume he'll go on forever.

DH and i consider ourselves of a lucky generation in that our DParents protest that they never want to be a 'burden' to us (just stick us in a home etc. etc.). Not that we'd see it that way.

This is because both sets of parents (in their late 50s) have had to look after their parents (now rapidly dwindling in number) while alive. Obviously those of our grandparents in their 80s now see family as who you rely on (rightly so) but also to a point where they expect it to be our parents duty with not much thanks involved iyswim.

Of course - no one can see what will be in the future but me and my DH and our parents have talked about the difference in generations attitude.

Hope this makes sense!!!

my dad's dead, my mum is only 16 years older than me so I'll do what I can but when she's old I'll be starting to get that way myself IFSWIM.

My in-laws can go to hell in a handcart before I'll change an incontinance pad for either of them. DH can have that pleasure, I did the kids.

Dh and I are very, very grateful indeed that his sister is the one who looks out for 88yo MIL. Mil still lives on her own at home but is gradually needing more attention as she's getting frail.

My mum has made me think quite a lot about this recently. She's 80yo and needing a new hip. If it wasn't for her lovely neighbours, I don't know how she'd manage as I spend most of my time in Africa and none of my f%&~g siblings has even been to see her for nearly six years, let alone do anything to help.

I noticed that there's a programme on BBC1 - might be tonight - about this very subject, involving the care provided for Norman Wisdom by his children and the decisions they had to make when NW's pa retired.

It scares me to think of my dad not able to do all the things he does now. My db lives abroad so he'll be no use if/when the time comes. Why is it so easy to think about putting aside years of my life to bring up my kids and put my career on hold but not so when it comes to looking after the man who brought me and db up (single-handedly after I was 9)? I am ashamed to admit it but I don't think I could have him here with us to live; I don't think I'd cope. It makes me feel so selfish. Or would we just get on with it and cope between us anyway?

My mum is 65 and has saved money expresly to pay for a nursing home so she is not a burden to her kids. PIL are 74 and 78 and are in the process of equity release so they can continue to have holidays etc. They are totally unconcered that they may end up with no money to pay for home helps etc and may end up in awful nursing home.

I am retiring abroad when DD finishes A levels so have no intention to be around to physically look after aged relatives. I save money each month to ensure that I won't be a burden in later yrs to my child.

I know the rest of my siblings have no intention of looking out for my dad. We moved to be closer to him, and my mum, before she died. I know we are going to be the ones that will be responsible for him would love to get a house with an annex for him but just can't afford it.

Yes, DH and I have had the discussion (privately) about my parents (haven't spoken to them about it, yet, though, so not sure what they would want to happen...), and DH has had a proper talk about it with his brothers and his mum about what might happen if she needs more support & care from us in the future (she is older than my parents). We have also recently had the plans drawn up for a loft extension, should we ever need to extend our house to accommodate one or more of our parents (although DH's mum has already said she would prefer to stay in the USA where she lives and so the main responsibility would fall to DH's brother who is out there).

DH hadn't thought about it at all until I mentioned it, but as my own grandmother went from being very young for her age, lively and healthy and our main carer, to the advanced stages of Alzheimer's quite quickly, I have always been quite aware of this issue and think it's best all round to face it head on.

Meant to say, if finances allow (we're secure now, but who knows what could happen in the future...?) I would want my parents to come and live with us if they needed more care, unless they were really very ill or needed 24 hour attention. My own gran was cared for by my mum for as long as possible, but eventually went into a nursing home because her dementia was so far gone that she almost burned the house down, burned herself with cigarettes and hot water, and wandered out into the street and got lost on several occasions. It was heart breaking, but my mum said she was scared to death to take her eyes off her for a second in case she killed herself or one of us.

Sorry for the waffle!

I have worried idly about this because my grandparents both lived to 92 and were very fit and independent until the last 2 or so years. Mum lived very near them and in those last few years went in every day after work.

We live a good 3.5 hours drive from my mum so there is no way I could do this for her. I couldn't stand her living with us either. My brother lives nearer to her but won't do anything that will inconvenience him.

MIL had her elderly parents live with them for several years. She has often said (in all seriousness) that she had children to "look after her in her old age" The likelihood is that DS's middle brother will look after them if need be, as they are very involved with each-other still, but it's a conversation that hasn't happened. I have told DH No Way, but who knows what will happen. I live in dread of FIL dying as MIL doesn't drive and they live in the sticks. I can imagine we would become her personal taxi service by default.

Meant to add that mum owns her house outright, so if she needed care then the money would have to come from the sale of the house.

ILs did have a mortgage but similar story- would expect their own assets to pay for their care if need be.

Will post later but yes, we've had various conversations about this as dh's parents are fairly elderly.

We have had a sharp wake-up call this week moomin as my dad's family are also people who go on forever (grandpa died at 86, 2 centenarian great uncles and aunts, rest of them lived to be over 90) and my dad is currently 82. But on Monday he lost his last surviving brother (at 85) and it has made my dsis and I realise how much we have taken both our parents' indestructability for granted - quite apart from mourning the sudden loss of a much-loved family member
We have not had this conversation either. Dh is very fond of my parents, who are not always easy people, so I know he will be onside, and luckily they live very near us.
MIL will be more problematic as neither of us like her and whatever we do for her will be borne out of duty and obligation rather than love and respect.