Do we walk away?

[zephyrcat]

I have a thread on here somewhere about our situation with dp's family cutting us out because of his ex and their (possibly not his) son who he doesnt see. Dp's dad died a year ago and I was not 'allowed' to go to the funeral with dp and his mother basically shunned him to be with his ex. Anyway, to cut a long story short! - dp has been phoning his mum every week recently to try and make amends as she has ignored all letters and photo's we've sent her. With every phonecall she has not once asked about her Grandchildren - one of which she hasn't even seen, so last night dp asked her if she would like to come and see them. Her reply was 'Not before christmas - there's too much going on'
Now to me - if she gave a s**t she would jump at the chance to see her grandchildren and making amends. So the question is - do we take it that we've done our best to make it work and just walk away now?

zephyrcat, you have done your best, so yes leave it alone now. Carry on sending cards etc but don't call anymore. It is up to her to make the next move.

Why does DP not see his son? Maybe that's why his Mum is cross.

I agree with yingers, if she's doing it for the 'attention' she gets with your dp always appologising then it's about time she had some of her own medicine. If on the other hand she honestly feels like that then you've done your best, now get on with your own life.

I think that if you've done your best to resolve the situation then just walk away. Keep sending birthday/Christmas cards as a way of keeping the 'door' open but leave it at that.

THanks - I agree - it's time to let her get on with it and forget about her - although its easier for me to say as its not my mum. I'm trying to find the link to my first thread about this whole situation so you can see it if you're really bored!! It's basically all down to me stopping it because his ex was causing a lot of trouble for us and I dont want our children caught up in her stupid games and I cant understand why his mum cant accept us as a family in our own right. Oh well - her loss!!!!!

In our case it was my mother who was causing problems and generally being awful to dh. (too long a story to go into on here.) At one point I even had a letter from her dp calling me all the names under the sun and telling me that I wouldn't inherit anything etc etc. For the next few years I just backed off completely. I sent cards on her birthday (which is more than she did for me) and left it at that. The feeling of relief from the stress was indescribable.

She eventually got back in touch after ds2 was born and we get along okayish now. We'll never be close but it's civil and my dses love to see her.

thats the bit of it that makes me angry though - i couldnt care less if i never saw her again and to be honest dp prob wouldnt be thast bothered - but the whole point of us making the effort is so that she would see the children and they would have grandparents but I think she made it clear enough last night that she doesnt give a toss about seeing them - which makes me very sad and very angry!!!

Hi Zephyrcat

Poor you, this must be so upsetting for you, especially when you are making all the effort, and I can understand how upset you are that your children aren't seeing their grandmother.

I wonder the same as SecondhandRose, is it something to do with dh not seeing his son? I remember from before that you said she was very friendly with the ex. Maybe as dh isn't seeing his son, she's not going to see hers?

Has she ever said why she doesn't want to see her grandchildren?

PS: WOW - you were a private detective! I've always fancied that.

Hi Surfermum - I think that him not seeing his ex's son is a lot to do with it but what makes me angry is why she cant treat us as a family in our own right - what goes on with him and his ex is between them not her - except for the fact that she thinks the sunshines out of the ex's which doesnt help!!!!!

It was the best job I ever had - you wouldnt believe the stuff they do to trace people! Has made me suspicious of everyone!!!

zephyrcat - I would just walk away, I know its hard, but the kids will get over it.

My mother fell out with me when DS was 9 months old, over my older bro, he got married and said no kids, fine, but then my nephew(6) and niece(12) were invited, but not my son(2), she didnt want to invite her sisters baby, duh. Anyway I refused to call her after she told me I was selfish to miss my bro's wedding, I had no kids at my wedding, 4 yrs b4, but I invted my family (kids included) it was just friends kids that werent, and Neph & niec were the only ones at the time. (also other family members got involved un-necessarily)

I had decided as DS didnt really know her that I wasnt gonna try, as it would be too painful every time she fell out with me, DS would suffer.

Long story short, she missed out on 9 months of my DS growing up, (his first birthday for one thing), only afta DH had a crisis and left me, did my younger bro tell her to speak to me as I needed family around, and that she had already missed sooo much.

After about 2 months og seeing her, she admitted to my sister that she found out the "other family members" had stirred things and blown things out of proportion. (Didnt admit it to me)

Now she will not fall out with me as she misses DS too much and cant wait for Bump to come along in 3 weeks. Also doesnt listen to the Family members anymore. Thankfully

Families.. they do your head in don't they???

similar problems here.. on both sides...(dh and me)...

So support to one and all with family issues.... (especially coming up to xmas, when it is always more poignant)

Maybe we should form our own little 'mumsnetters without family support' - support group? (probably not so little)