Mother-in-law driving me CRAZY

[Brozzer]

I can't believe I'm posting this after midnight -I am so fing pissed off. Will some nice person tell me if I am over-reacting or if this is a sane and rational response to a tricky issue??? My partner's mother drives me crazy. She is obsessed with her 8-mth old grandson (first grandson). He stayed with her for three nights two weeks ago, then she turned up at our house last weekend (just 'popping in') and wants to see him tomorrow as well. She lives an hour and a half away but we always seem to be taking him to see her on the fing train. My partner is a total mummy's boy who just wants to make her happy and frankly is pleased to get rid of the baby for a few nights on a regular basis. She has now asked that the baby spends one weekend with her every month and my partner thinks that's a GREAT idea. I don't. She's had her kids - now grown-up - and is clearly trying to relive motherhood through MY child. Yuk. It's ruining my relationship with my partner cos he doesn't see that she should back off and respect our space. I am still furious by her hijacking of the baby's birth eg bringing her boyfriend (a man I barely knew at the time) to the hospital hours after dodgy birth and insisting that they both come and see the baby even tho I was depressed, bleeding, exhausted and traumatised. And then inviting herself to our house the first night we brought the baby home from the hospital and TAKING HIM IN THE NIGHT apparently so I could get some sleep, without even asking if this is what I wanted or maybe asking if my mother wanted to be there on the first night instead of a pushy cow I had met about four times prior to giving birth. I knew my partner for TWO MONTHS before I got pregnant - I wasn't ready for this f*ing bunch of strangers to barge their way into my life, not to mention his grandparents who descended upon our small flat for two days a week after the birth. AAAAAGGGGHHHHH. I am worried that my partner and I are going to split up because I have lost all respect for him. He thinks everything she says or does is absolutely fine. What are reasonable expectations re. visiting rights for grandparents? I don't want her summoning us to her house every fortnight or doing this incessant 'popping in'!!! My parents are great - really respectful and non-pushy - they wouldn't dream of piling on the pressure in this way. AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH.

brozzer.

I dont have this problem but can see it would drive me crazy too - you are not alone. Can you suggest to his parents that they are welcome to visit at pre-arranged times but popping in is putting a strain on your relationship as you feel you always have to have the flat looking nice! I persoanlly wouldn't allow an 8mo baby to stay away every month. Dont forget ds is yours and dp BUT not hers - if you give in she will think herself as a surrogate mother. Please try and have time though for just dp and you to be a couple again.

you have every right to be mad, I would be as well. have you tried to talk to DP about the situation? really it needs to come from him that his mother needs to take a back seat in the upbringing of your little one. afterall your the mother here, and your child needs you - I know a child needs his father and I don't want to offend any dads here, but you are the most important person in that babys life right now (don't need to tell you) and you and DP should be enjoying the experiences you have as a family unit. I would recomend trying DP frist, if not have a 'subtal' word to MIL along the lines of back off and arrange a vist say once a fortnight taking it in turns or somehting??

Thank you for your nice comments - AAAAGGGHHHH still raging.
I think I HAVE been nice letting ds stay with her - I did it to make her happy so she could bond with him and feel she was part of his life. I didn't expect weekly demands.
Lockets - sorry about your dh's MIL. Re: Christmas I put my foot down in October and told my bloody stupid dh that we were spending Xmas at my parents' - NO DEBATE. He's now trying to persuade me that we should drive for 4 hours to get to his mum's on Boxing Day aaaggghhhhh. I can't go on.

I've tried to tell him countless times that I feel pressurised by her and want a bit of distance but he doesn't get it. He once accused me of being 'ungrateful' (cos she's so loving and great) and we had a screaming row where I told him his mother and grandmother were a pair of selfish, grasping bitches from hell who didn't give a toss about my feelings and simply wanted to get their hands on the baby. Oops. We've rowed about the birth on and off for 8 months - I'm still so bitter by their thoughtless behaviour. He is GUTTED by my opinions. I think he thinks I am crazy, depressed, irrational and angry - altho he does concede that they were a bit full on around the birth. I am now plotting how I can prevent MIL from seeing the baby until Xmas - without dh realising - because the silent, cunning victory will cheer me up a bit and make me feel in control again. How sad is that?

Brozzer thats not sad - I do it all the time

Brozzer SNAP !!! Mil's SO SIMILAR. My ds is nearly 5 now, and I have a dd. Ds is still her fave though and she even wears a locket with his photo next hers. She is obsessed by him although it has eased off.

I put my foot down about "dropping in". I got to about six months after ds was born and could not stand it anymore. Partner eventually backed me up as it was just out of order. Took a few flaming rows to get him to agree but I was losing it. Every time we row it is to do with his folks and the pressure they put on us, they have nothing else in their lives but that is not an excuse!

What has happened is that her pushy-ness and selfish attitude has driven a very obvious wedge between me and her, and also me and my now dh. Ultimately this has affected her relationship with her grandson as the more pushy and desperate she has become the more I resent her and I am not willing at all to have them take my ds for the night and make sure they have a bond but not as much contact as they would like. I limit days and times as I need to protect myself.

Like you I was only with my partner fo a few months before getting pg and was not ready for this. After five years I would challenge anyone to be ready for what I have gone through but I do wonder now if I had known him longer and got to know his family more whether we would have planned children together.

Is there any way you can sit down with this woman and tell her how you feel and what this might do to your relationship with your partner and her relationship with her grandson?

I really feel for you as I KNOW EXCACTLY how you feel. Please keep talking, it will help you gain the strength to cope with this.

Brozzer - its a really difficult one. All I can tell you is what I hope is a comfort. I had really big problems with my MIL for about the first 3 years of my relationship with my Dh. She was evil to me. She worshipped the ground my dh walked on and everything I did was wrong, terrible, awful. She used to talk about his ex, tell me how her and his dad were 'really worried' when he met me etc. Nice! Anyway, we've been together for 6 years now and I now have put it all behind me with her. I really like her now and we have a good relationship. We even had a weekend away together. How did I do it? We had a MASSIVE row one day, laid it all on the line, didn't speak for 3 months and then gradually built bridges. She knew where she stood, I took some criticism on the chin (some of it was right, I had to accept it) and finally we got to a place where we could all live happily ever after. I'm telling you this to say, don't let it affect your relationship with your partner, this will pass. Try and appreciate on some level how great it is she loves your child so much, and hopefully you will find your 'middle ground' like I did. I say this as a person who wanted my MIL dead 3 years ago !!!! All the best x

Well, not much else to say here as I could copy and paste Winterdolly's post as if it were mine. Just sending you lots of hugs, a lot of patience and my sincere wishes that you don't allow your relationship with your MIL to ruin the love and peace of your little family. ((((Many hugs))))

Easier said than done... we have left the wretched MIL in Spain and she is still coming to hunt us!!!

She was supposed to babysit on Saturday but I decided that I wanted to stay with ds instead (have started working PT and feeling guilty about time spent apart). It caused merry hell. She CRIED and told my dh how unhappy she was in her life at the moment and how the baby really cheers her up (do you want to be a litle bit more manipulative, love?) Consequently he told me off for disappointing her and changing my mind in the eleventh hour. I went beserk and said that ds is my f*ing kid not hers and if I want to spend time with him on a Saturday then that is absolutely my right as a mother. We then had quite a constructive chat in which I calmly explained how frustrating I find her constant demands etc and his submissiveness. He seemed to take it on board but the moment she starts her daily texting/calling/hassling for contact he will give in again and do the old 'Do you mind if my mum just pops in on Saturday....?' or 'Why don't we let Mum have the baby next weekend so we can have a break?'

I would have an honest chat with her but I actually really don't trust her. She would go to my dh in tears and say I had said awful hurtful things and she didn't understand why etc etc. She is the matriarch of the family, is very clever and really wants all her children and extended family to fall into line and be at her beck and call.

Oh Jesus.

Brozzer I feel for you so much. Two xmas's ago I had the worst ever blow up with Mil. She had offered to babysit while I went with dh to his work xmas party. However, on the day I cancelled as I was absolutely knackered, my dd was 6 weeks old, still struggling with b/feeding and my ds was a very disruptive toddler at the time. I felt low about myself and none of my clothes fitted me. My dh understood but she hit the roof and told me I was wrecking my marriage by never going out with dh. I wonder how many times she went out on the town when her kids were that age? I think it is so sad that they are so desperate - they give a s**t about anything else and will alienate us. Finally now after 5 yrs my dh will SOMETIMES take my side.

Brozzer, I totally empathise with you. My MIL is a pseudo matriarch too. (i.e. she like to think she is She's not!)
The thing is, I always find a good argument with her becomes necessary every few years, just to lay out the boundaries. She seems to 'forget' regularly that I am my DDs' mother and nothing but a good old row or two sets her straight! She is as manipulative and devious as yours is by the sounds of it, all hysterics and blame, then tears and 'woe is me'. She told my DH not to marry me, then told him to leave me! She's a fool. My DH initially found it difficult in the earlier stages of our relationship, but I can confidently say that his loyalty lies with me and our DD's and he has now learnt the strength to display that to her. I'm sure she has made several attempts to poison him against me in the past, so many time in fact that he can now see straight through her. For a man who has never stood up to his mum, or never seen the need to it can really be hard for them to see, then change that pattern. It sounds like you made progress during your discussion with your DP recently, with any luck it will be the start of a (posibly slow but) wonderful change!

Brozzer, forget about honest chats, they choose what they want and complain about the rest with DHs... Dear! what a nightmare!!!, you have all the right to be annoyed, however...may I suggest a more maquiavelic approach to the problem. If my MIL had three sons I would swear you two were married to my SILs in desguise. So this is what I have been doing.

-Be nice always to her, and if you want to say something she may not like say it calmly and smiling, that way when she screams at you... she is the bitch.

-If you are anticipating she is coming to visit, organise a day out for the family, a visit to friends or just some special time for whatever reason(teach DS how to use a postbox, etc.) so when she rings you always have plans or are out

-Disconect the phone before going to sleep and connect it first thing in the morning, that way you avoid the early hours calls (MIL used to call every day at seven)

-Give her nice surprises. I love to surprise MIL with unexpected visits on special dates. We don't say we are on the city until the D day arrives, then we all appear and she cries of joy of seeing us (excuse me, seeing her DS and DGS). The nice thing about it is that with these surprises you manage to spend half of the holidays with friends rather than staying at her house. I also manage to "find" very cheap flights for suspiciously short stays. As I organise the trip, DH don't suspect my evil intentions, but if I left him to do it we would be spending the full summer at MILs.

• Visit her rather than invite her, that way you can decide when you have had enough and leave.

• Forget to remember DH about special days (like her birthday), she will blame you for that of course, but your DH would think she is crazy, and will eventually realise that it is not you causing the problem but her.

Hope it helps, MIL is a stuborn draggon, however the tips above have helped a lot our relationship (DH and Me, forget about the MIL)

Ooops crosposted meant honest chats with MIL, but Levanna advice is very good.

Horrid situation where your DP wants to please his mother and that's simply not your priority and would it be? I don't blame you for resenting two other people making a decision about your son with no consideration about your feelings at all. YOur MIL sounds dominating and she dominates your DP and expects to dominate you. When things have calmed down, ie you are feeling stronger, work out a way to manipulate your DP so that you get your own way. Is there any time that you want her to babysit so that you can go out for dinner/cinema/theatre? If there is and you are happy with her looking after him then great. If not, why don't you invite her over to go Christmas shopping with you so you look as though you are being pally and then give her an exhausting day and one where YOU are in control, and she is pleased to get away from you!! There is a way to manipulate the situatio, you just have to work out HOW.
In the meantime, I do feel for you. I'm sure we all do. If she is unhappy with her life, why doesn't she get a cat or a dog to swoon over?

These posts have really cheered me up this morning - bless you all. Still laughing about Chandra's post - partic the cheap flights for suspiciously short stays. I have to start implementing cunning survival tactics too. There just seems to be nowhere to hide. She's even got my mobile number and texts me when I don't answer the landline - BUGGER OFF.

It's interesting, the issue of confrontation.

I'd quite like a row and agree with you Levanna!! The prob is on the face of everything she's REALLY nice - she has never said a bad or harsh word to me. It's controlling matriarchy with a smile. The manipulation and trouble-making is done very quietly to my dp, behind my back eg the tears and dismay at baby-sitting being cancelled. She wouldn't dream of expressing that dismay to me in case she was brought into a conflict with me. She needs me to placid, dumb and compliant. She has never seen my wrath! She needs an audience with my dp alone to make things work for her, if that makes sense. She even gives him little presents to give me every time she sees him so he thinks she's really nice to me. It's very clever, very subtle.

Winterdolly - I think you hit the nail on the head there where you ask whether your MIL was going out partying with a six-week old baby at home. MILs appear to be cursed with short memories and a total absence of empathy.

Chicpea - I've asked her why she doesn't get a puppy. She doesn't really like animals (like most cold-hearted people?!!!) She hates my cat and told my dp and even my mother (!!!) that she was worried what the cat would do to the baby when he was born. Funnily enough he's done nothing and couldn't give a toss, just wants some kip and a quiet life. Like me. I think she was hoping we'd get rid of him or something. I'd sooner march her off for a legal injection. Sorry. That's harsh.

I meant lethal injection.
But didn't really.
Ahem.

How are you feeling Brozzer? Made any manipulative, mischievous plans yet??!!

bloody hell - MIL's are getting a bit of a bashing lately - think I'll slink off ........

No JoolsToo, you are lovely. aren't you? I hope so, otherwise we have revealed our strategy to the enemy . just kidding.

Chicpea - sorry for delay in posting.

Feeling much better and in control.

MIL's been complaining to dh about us spending Xmas at my folks ('I'm just going to miss you SO much!') which has really cheered me up cos there's nothing she can do about it and eventually dh will clock that she is selfish as hell and wants everything her way. Dh has agreed that we will go on the 27th - YIPPEEEEEE!!!!!!

I will NOT see her until Xmas, a thought which is keeping me sane. She is crying quite a lot to dh and he is worried about her - but I am not going to spend any more ghastly weekends at her place being told I hold the baby's spoon the wrong way and other atrocioulsy patronising remarks.

I am eliminating all direct contact with her so that she just becomes dh's problem. She left a message on my mobile the other day saying to call her so I waited a day before texting her saying we were off for the weekend and hope all was well. Amazingly liberating. Had I called her back she would only have put pressure on me to visit next weekend/come earlier at Xmas so I felt GREAT.

There is hope....