Should I stay or should I go?

[turquoise]

We've been living in the states for just over a year now. Our house is rented, and the landlord has informed us that when our contract is up in March, he plans to knock the house down and rebuild.
Rental houses out here are like hens teeth and the chance of finding one that we'd all squeeze into within the same schools catchment area is very slim. The only sensible option would be to buy ( I really don't want to start the kids again in another school, for ds that would be the 3rd in 3 years) but that is a huge commitment when TBh I'm not happy here and neither is dd.
The alternative is to come home, but dp says he would stay, at least for another year to get another bonus, and because he doesn't feel that there's anything much for him at home, friends and familywise. But coming out here was slightly 'make or break' for me and dp relationship wise as it was, to go back without him would be pretty categorically break. I came out here to break myself away from the support network I had created for myself when he simply wasn't there for me, but I miss them (friends and family) so so much, even though he has tried incredibly hard.
I know it sounds very selfish to say I don't want to commit to buying because I'm not happy, but it would be a massive commitment to a future that I just can't see myself ever being really happy or myself in. My dd is definitely not fitting in socially and I worry that it's partly down to me, this house is in a very showy, rich part of town where I just don't fit in. She's desperate to get home to her best friend, who is the daughter of my best friend and soulmate. She's been invited to one playdate in a year.
There are huge advantages to being here, the schooling is brilliant, its a very safe area and very child centred. Dp loves the financial advantages, and quite enjoys the work atmosphere. I can't work, although I do volunteer work, but there's a lot of empty time. I don't want to become someone who shops to kill the hours.
What would you do? If I feel almost worse after a year than I did in the beginning, am I ever going to fit in? Am I being incredibly selfish?

I'm in that situation, are you still around?

Yes - I'm here. What's happening with you?

I came to England for six months and we have been here for six years, however I think I have never settled here, probably I'm just taking the fist steps to do it after all this time. At the begining it was very nice, just like a nice holiday, but soon I realised I did not wanted to stay, as you I missed friends, family, work, and other networks which I have not being able to rebuild here. But we decided to stay because at the time it was convenient (nice job for DH, making an international reputation out of it) The problem now is that we both want to leave now but because we have been away of our countries the networs over there have already disintegrated, DH is overqualified to find a job in his area in his country, I have been unable to work for such a long time that I found difficult to be able to get a job in a similar position to the one I was at before leaving. So it seems that there is not much back home to go back to. At the moment I'm trying to be more positive about staying here and try to have a nice live and rebuild those networks. I think we had an opportunit to go back about 4 years ago, when everything could have continued as it was before we leave, but that window is closed now. So... if you really don't like the idea of staying, arrange a deadline with your DP to see if it works and if it doesn't by then you go back home. Hope it helps.

I must be falling asleep, the use of the verbs in my last paragraph are a total disaster... between other things

Unfortunately that deadline is fast approaching - after march/april we'll have nowhere to live if we don't put an offer on something pretty soon.
So are you in England for ever then? Where are you from originally? It must be very hard for you. Will you be able to work in England eventually? I find it so much easier to make friends through work than the school gate thing.

I'm fearing the school gate thing, I'm at uni at the moment, will submit my dissertation next week and I'm already feeling unemployed (main problem with work is that I used to work in a profession where the good use of language and its context was essential, that makes me un employable here... well not completely, but my job was my life and it has been very hard to let go of it)but I'm more resigned to the fact that we are here for good (or at least until retirement ) so I hope that under this "new" frame of mind things could be better.

Everytime a friend leaves for a sabatic/placement etc. I always say the same, if you don't like it leave while you can. Though it would be more positive to say try hard for a couple of years and then decide but possibly by then it won't be easy to go back. I am not helping, am I?

PS. You are not selfish, you are realistic.

You are helping actually though I think if you're in England you shouldn't still be up talking to me!
Your point about it being harder to go back in a few years is a good one - if we go back in march ds can take the 11plus the following jan, which would be a major consideration for me if the worst comes to the worst with dp.
I also think your point about setting your mind to it is good - I admire you for it. I wish i could do it.

bump?

Hi, turquoise, just saw this. Don't really know what to tell you, just wanted to offer hugs. I know that just moving 4 hours away and being in the same state was difficult for awhile, I can only imagine what it is like for you.

I have no experience whatsoever but from reading your post you are obviously feeling pretty miserable. You say that your dd is also unhappy and would like to go back home.

I don't want to be rude about your dp but it does sound as though he has something of an "I'm all right, Jack" attitude to the situation. He wants to stay because he can earn more money there and will do so whether or not you and your children are with him! He's got his job, his money and his nice house and that's that. From what you've said in your post he's not particularly concerned about you and dd feeling miserable. He's made his plans and he's sticking to them!

I don't think it would be selfish of you to go back home. You gave it your best shot and left your family and friends for a whole year. It's not selfish to want something for yourself for a change.

As for dp's comment about there being nothing to come back for, surely if you returned then he'd have you and the children to come back for????

Good luck with whatever you decide. xxx

If you do decide to stay put and buy now, what would the long term plan be? to stay x number of years? Or stay permanently? If its a question of only staying one or two years at most I then you have to think along the lines of going back even without dh(doesn't have to == permanent split IMO)because you also have to consider dd's education and I imagine getting her into school and changing ed. system/syllabus etc would be more difficult in 2 years time. If eventually it could be permanent then perhaps you should give it more time (say another year ) but on the understanding that if you and dd are still very unhappy you all move back together.If dh is keen to stay for good regardless of your and dd's feelings do what suits you and dd best.It does take a long time to settle into another country and culture even one that may seem on the surface very similar to UK.(IME)

This is sooooo difficult. I can see why dh wants to stay, if he feels secure financially and jobwise. Men see themselves as having to provide financially for their families, and be successful in their careers. He may feel it would be much harder to that to the same standard if you came back here. He may not know how to square that problem with your problem of being lonely.

I think he just can't understand your viewpoint, Maybe more "can't" than "won't".

If he really doesn't want to come home, then you will have to decide which you want more, him, or to come home.

I know you have been there a year, but can you make one last push to try to make friends, for dd as well? If she hasn't been asked for playdates why don't you do the asking a few times?
Can dp include you in some social events thru his work? Can you invite 1 or two of his colleagues to your home with partners, get to know people a bit more, who may then introduce you to other people to befriend?

I know it must be hard. I am extrovert and outgoing, but sometimes find it difficult to make new friends and contacts. But it sounds like you may need to choose between your relationship or your yearning to come home.

Sorry, don't mean to sound harsh.

Such a difficult one. I am in a similar situation, but in the Middle East with dh and 2 kids (one a new baby). We have been abroad on and off for 6 years but, post children this is the first time we have all been together.

It has been terribly hard for me struggling at home on my own (even had to move house when new babe was tiny!) but equally it is hard here. I can't work and there is not even an expatriate network (the stitch and bitch brigade!) that I can tap into.

I am pretty jolly at the moment (enjoying the rest to be honest!) but worry about 6 mths or a year down the line. Could work (offered a job at local uni) but baby too small yet and dont want to leave kids with people unless I know the language well enough to discuss my wishes and their needs coherently (hence daily language lesson at present!)

However the money is great, dh has a lot of time off and we can afford to do things we only dreamt about 10 years ago.

I really miss the home support but I also know that time apart is not good for us or our children-in fact I feel that the last three years when he has been away and I have been home have really affected dd. To see her so happy now that we all sit around the table together at night is worth it for me.

Being on your own with kids is the most lonely, exhausting and demoralising thing I have ever done. Wouldn't wish it on anyone. We are working on a sort of compromise at present-me home for certain parts of the year timed to fit around dh's comings and goings so that we are not apart for more than 6 weeks, and in a few years spending a year in NZ when he will look after the kids and I will work.

For our family, I came to the conclusion that the children need and deserve to have both of us together for them.

Thank you for your replies.
The dd problem is this: when we came out she should by age have gone into half day kindergarten, but having done a year of reception and half a term of year 1 at home, this seemed likely to leave her bored. Two of her closest friends at home are a year older, so I felt that putting her into First Grade would be ok. By the summer I realised this was not working out for her and it was not just slow settling. After talks with the teacher and the counsellor, we decided to try going ahead to second grade as the kids would all be reshuffled, and things are a bit better. I'd hate to put her down a grade, as I think she might get picked on even more. We have had several children here for playdates, they just don't ever ask her back and I worry that it's down to me. It really is important around here to do the right things, go to church and the country club and decorate your house a certain way (I know I sound like I think I'm in a Molly Ringwald movie but it's true!)- a friend of mine has been here fourteen years and said "if you want your kids to be accepted, you have to buy into that". I have got a few friend but even after all this time although they're very nice, it's all still very surface.
I don't think there is a middle way - it's stay and commit, or go. DP says he's tried for a year, if I'm not happy then there's nothing more he can do, and that's in terms of our relationship as much as the situation here. I think I could handle being so alone out here if things were right between us, and I know I used to be able to cope with the crap between us when i had friends and family to lean on. But to be alone in a foreign place with a relationship that is struggling, is hard.

Sorry - that last bit sounded so wet, maudlin and selfpitying. Just saturday night blues.

Wow, I'm sorry about that. Any chance you could move to Southern Oregon? Seriously, wish I had something constructive to say.

thanks anyway CM. Tbh just writing stuff down helps, and to be acknowledged - thank god for mumsnet on nights like these.
I also appreciate different viewpoints, like Easy's - helps to see the wood for the trees a bit.