can anyone offer me advice...i need to organise refreshments for my dear auntie's funeral/ wake

[noonar]

my dear great aunt died on christamas eve, aged 96.

i am sort of in charge of refeshments in the church hall after the service, plus a little buffet lunch at my house for relatives at my who are going on to the crematorium after the church service, and will miss the refreshments at the church hall.

now, i havent been to the funeral of anyone close before, and have no idea about etiquette. can anyone help me with the following queries:

• is it enough just to do sandwiches, cake, tea and coffee at the church. (it'll be 1pm)

• would it be appropriate to put table cloths and little vases of flowers on the tables in the church hall- just v simple- or would that be too wedding- ish ??

• is there an unofficial list of things taht you 'do and dont' do in terms of funeral catering/ arrangements. i want to get it right!

• also, what's your view on young children- aged 3 .5 and 5 going to a funeral? they were v close to my auntie as she lived with my mum and they spent alot of time ith her.

tia

EVERYTHIng you want top do is fine. Anyway,there are no rights and wrongs, it's about what you want.
My aunt died on Christmas Day and i am tAKING my children to the funeral.

very sorry for both your sad losses noonar and moondog...all your arrangements sound fine noonar...there's no etiquette really, just do as you feel is right. And yes, I'd take the children if that's what you feel happy with.

thanks, moondog. i do trust my own judgement in most cases, but there will be family members there that i dont know and i dont want people thinking 'oh can you beleieve she didnt do X or forgot to do Y'.

My cousin (aunt's daughter) is being lovely and just telling people to do what they want which is the best advice of all/

thanks to you to maryanns.

moondog, was your poor aunt's death sudden? what great timing they both had!

i think its tricky for me as i dont really know my auntie's side of the family. she has one son, and grandchildren who i hardly know who live miles away. am just not sure what kind of people they are or what their expectactions might be.

I think they'll just be grateful for what you are doing...I was buying some tulips today in florists and some people were ordering funeral flowers which seemed desperately sad this time of year.

oh gawd. flowers. is everyone expected to bring some to the funeral??? or just the family members who arrange the service?

I think that most people like to organise their own wreaths/bouquets - you just do some from you if that;s what you want. I always prefer to bring cut flowers so that someone can take them home to put in a vase rather than them mouldering away in cellophane at the crem...

Noonar, really sorry to hear about your great Aunt. We met her a few times (well traipsed around her room a bit - please pass my condolences onto your mum, and hope the funeral goes ok.

thanks, pollyanna. i did a double take when i read your post. its wierd when RL and MN 'collide', isnt it?

yes, maryanns. think i will do cut flowers.

Noonar - tea, coffee, sandwiches and cake are the norm. People do do the whole tablecloths and flowers thing generally - but not funereal flowers if you know what I mean. It's also traditional to place a picture of the departed on the table.

Kids at funerals - of course they should go. But it's helpful if you can have a room where they can escape to if they need to (usually full of dads at most wakes I go to, trying to escape the relatives).

Sorry you are going through this, it's never easy, but it's a massive mark of respect to be allowed to prepare for a loved ones final party - make it a celebration of her life.

thanks, who.do you mean a photo on each table??

No, if you have a main central table, one is fine. Some people do go over the top and get a big blow up photo to hang there but I think that's a bit daft.

You should probably think about a book of condolences too - just for people to write in. It's really hard at theses things to know what to do and say and sometimes people find it easier to write a message to the family. Even if you throw it away afterwards it's cathartic.

BTW I've been to a lot of funerals for older people recently and one thing they all have in common - not enough chairs!

oh thanks. i'd never have thought of a book of condolences.

i'm 35 and have never been to the funeral of a loved one before! so any more advice gratefully received.

Sorry about your loss. My grandmother died this time last year, with the kids be lead by them, mine were 2, 3 and 5. The 3 year old really wasn't happy to go so I left her with a friend. The other 2 came though and people there were really happy to have young kids around, it does 'lighten' the atmosphere a bit if you know what I mean.

when m y great aunt died I made a kind of memorial card for everyone to keep,with a nice picture of her and a prayer on the reverse - easy enough to do on the computer, but not necessary- I did it because I could and had the time to find a suitable poem and a nice pic - I wanted people to remember her as a vibrant,lovely woman,rather than the poor woman who died after 2 years of being bedridden after a stroke.
I did a similar thing for a baby's funeral, or after the funeral, which the parents gave out to friends and family with a little piece about the baby and his dates and a picture which I'd drawn of a toy that was with him. Terribly sad funeral.

that sounds v touching, mary.

geogteach, there will be a few under 6s going, so i hope they'll cope ok with it.

today i hired table linen and crockery so at leat the hall will look presentable.

one more lttle matter to decide...
my gran wants us to display a photo of my auntie's late husband along side a photo of my auntie. my mum thinks that this is not appropriate, as its not his funeral! any thoughts on this??