Mixed race marriages/parenting

[Sam29]

Hi,

This may sound weird but I am white english with dh being from indian family, but he is born and bred in Birmingham! Anyone out there been through the minefield of managing both sets of in-laws and their different ideas and expectations of bringing up grandchildren?!
Also anyone out there got a baby of this combination parents as I have never seen one and am dying to know what ours might look like!

Hi sam29, my ex dh is British Indian (London born and bred) and I am English. We split up a couple of years ago (but nothing to do with cultural differences, we were just mismatched). I had, and still have, a really close relationship with my in laws although it wasn't all plain sailing to start with (long story). The main areas of contention in my case were:

Vegetarianism (I decided I was happy for ds to be veggie so that was that one sorted out),
Religion (Ex is Hindu, I'm agnostic): I've decided ds can go to temple now and can make up his own mind about religion when he's older.
Childcare (MIL wanted ds all the time, I wanted to see him too!): She gets him loads!
So we've got around them all.

In answer to the question about looks, like all mothers, I think our ds is gorgeous. He has big dark brown eyes, dark hair and olive/light brown skin. I'm very pale so he almost doesn't look like my son in some ways and I have been asked if he's mine in the past. He did ask me yesterday if he would ever be all Indian or whether he would always be half English, bless err, no love, you'll always be half of each. Anyway, anything else you want to know, please ask. HTH.

I am Chinese/Filipino but educated in the UK & US, and dh is French - NOT Paris but provincial France. My in laws do not speak English hence I've had to make do with my school French. It has its ups and downs. We've had to work thru' some misunderstandings - mainly bec of language limitations i.e. lost nuances, mistranslations.

Fortunately, my in laws have been very discreet and tactful. They do not want to appear to interfere or impose on us and on how we bring up our son. Of course, sometimes my MIL can't help putting her two cents in. But I've learned to just grin, bear it and wait for them to leave.

My ds is adorable - of course. His looks change a lot in first 10 months. His colouring is very caucasian, but his eyes are big almond shapes. Now he looks perfectly Eurasian 50-50 mix of our features.

My BIL is English, married to a Filipino and they have two boys. One looks like BIL's side of the family while the other has Filipino features but pale skin and mousy hair.

I have a Filipina aunt; she's married to my dad's identical twins, so I have 3 genetic half-Filipino brothers. And they're lovely boys, too... look very much like my dad/uncle but with the filipino colouring.

I'm Californian & DH is English, which is some culture conflict. We encounter more generational than culture conflict (like MIL can't stand the 2yo running around during meals, which DH & I don't really have a problem with as long as it's occasional, etc.)

My aunt is Burmese, Uncle British. One girl looks like her, one like him, twin boys, one of each!

My dd is mixed race and, oh, we had such fun when I was pregnant trying to imagine her features and her colouring. Of course, she was nothing like what we'd imagined. I can't help you with your particular combination as my daughter is a mix of English, Irish, Javanese, Dutch, German and African!

Thanks all, so brown eyes likely then but everything else up for grabs. Waterwitch - your comments about MIL wanting loads of access rings horribly true - am very independent and dread constant "help"! How did you manage to stay sane and stand your ground without offending anyone?

Sam29, mmm, thinking about your question and trying to remember what we did. I worked off and on when ds was 2ish and MIL had him then every day for three days a week so she was very happy. I think before and after that I was just quite assertive with her about when she could and couldn't have him.

But the older he got the more I fancied the odd day or two off so she would have him then too while I got things done or did some work from home. I'm glad she wanted/wants him so much though: they have a really close and happy relationship, unlike ds's relationship with my own mum who hasn't seen nearly enough of him (too busy) and is subsequently not as close to him.

My (ex) MIL is still fantastic and I really do love her and trust her completely with ds. She's one of the few people who loves him as much as I do and I know this and love her for it. So I suppose I relaxed about it as ds got older and I got less neurotic as a parent about leaving him there etc and, looking back, I'm very glad I did.

I now live quite a way away from them but ds sees his father every other weekend so she sees ds then too. She also had him for 4 days this half term and will probably have him for a week at Christmas, 2/3 weeks (not all together, probably 2 weeks, then another) in the summer holidays and 1 week at easter, plus every other weekend.

It took me a while to accept her longing for lots of time with ds and to realise that no-one on that side of my family (by marriage) thinks badly of me - the opposite in fact - for being prepared to 'share' him (I know he's not a possession but can't think of a better word). Lots of my friends were/are envious of this close link with my MIL and of my unlimited access to fantastic, loving, family childcare if ever I want it. And I've done the right thing for all of us in letting her see him as much as is practical. See how you go once your baby is born but I bet you'll be glad of her love and support and practical help, I know I was. Hope this helps.

Gosh Sam29, Don't knock any offers of help back !! I get none from either my M or MIL abd could really have done with it !

As WWW says - they will love your baby almost as much as you will, so they will be great to leave him/her with and you will be able to resume some of your independence ! It's hard having a little person relying on you 24/7 when you've been used to doing your own thing ! Free loving childcare would be wonderful !

Thanks you guys, it helps to hear someone put a positive slant on something I am getting quite worked up about! so yes, maybe I should get my head around taking advantage of the desire to be involved and not be cut my nose off to spite my face so to speak

Hi My dh is Chinese, family all 'over there' and mine arent near us either. It wd be difficult to have mil etc here but on the other hand, they have only met my eldest twice, second once and youngest never. It is v sad for them, and for us. We wd like to go again but it is sooo expensive, cant realistically see it happening for a year or 2. When we are there it is very difficult for me and them as everything is so completely different, but they do understand, the older ones anyway, that they are truly loved by their grandparents and they have a huge fuss made by the whole extended family (and the family is huge too) Communication is a problem as raising them bilingually has proved far harder than we had thought. Are you going to try? We dont know many people here who speak the same dialect so they think it is just their Dad who speaks it and it is obviously easier to speak English. They are proud of their heritage tho, so thats ok. ds aged 10 getting more reticent abt it but dd aged 7 quite keen to learn.
The culture there, perhaps similar in Indian families, is that children very much belong to the family rather than to the parents. I find it hard, but try my best to be cool calm and collected. Everyone feels it is quite O K to pick kids up, whisk them away to do things, give them food, sweets etc, as the mum you are not really any more in charge than anyone else (hard for a control freak) Anyway, good luck, and I guess just try to appreciate any offers of help.