In a nutshell: Mum's cancer came back, and since late October she's been having chemotherapy. She was due to have 9 sessions, and has had 4. One was cancelled due to her being too ill, and the most recent session was cancelled due to her general poor condition. In fact, the doctor took one look at her and put her straight in hospital.
When Mum went into hospital 6 days ago, we were told a day later by the holiday rota doctor (not her own), that 'it won't be long now' and 'make sure her affairs are in order'. The immediate problem - soaring calcium levels - has been dealt with. But Mum is anxious, paranoid, hallucinating (thinks there are bugs crawling on her bed, thinks she's all alone/hungry, etc), grumpy/angry and even aggressive (cursed at the nurse and refused to allow blood to be taken for a test the doctor ordered), and extremely maudlin (long monologues detailing/repeating unhappy scenes from her unhappy marriage).
Yesterday was the first day back for Mum's regular doctor who told my sister that there would be no more chemotherapy as Mum isn't strong enough to continue - ever, at this point. The doctor also said that Mum will probably be discharged from hospital in another 4 or 5 days, but that she will not be strong enough/well enough to return home. Even if she could go home, it is clear her condition will deteriorate, and anyway her dp couldn't/shouldn't be expected to provide care for someone in a serious/worsening medical condition.
So, we have been advised that hospital staff/social workers will help us locate a facility for Mum to go to........where she'll be given the medical care she needs until she dies.
My basic questions are these:
- What do we look for in a facility (presume we're looking for a nursing home?)? We'll be given a list of places that have space available, and will probably spend a day later this week visiting/looking. What are specific questions to ask, or what should we look for in a 'good' facility? (Hollywood horror images of grubby facilities with cruel staff fill my brain, atm)
- What do we say to Mum? She is forcefully demanding to go home, so it is clear she is unaware of her condition/future prospects. She's been in serious condition in hospital quite a few times before, and has always managed a miraculous recovery/return to her old routine. But that doesn't look likely this time. As far as I'm aware, she has never spoken to my sisters about 'what if' this scenario were to occur (we're not very close, so it is not the sort of conversation she would have had with me).
- Any general thoughts/advice from anyone who has been through this? Things you're glad you did/things you wish you'd known and/or thought of? Any helpful books?
Final relevant info: we're not in the UK, and I'm 4 hours drive away from Mum and sisters, but as the 'practical' one of the family will probably be sorting some/most of this out long distance and via visits. Later today, I plan to call a palliative care center to find out more. I have also been advised that there are no 'live in' hospices available in the city where Mum lives. And then of course - apart from what we'd 'like', and what seems 'right' - there is the issue of expense, and how it will be paid for (unclear about what, if anything, insurance will cover).
I really don't know where to begin, but of course want to ensure Mum is well taken care of. Don't want to be accused of (or feel guilty about) 'shoving her into a nursing home', but am unsure of what else (if anything) is practical/possible........thanks for reading and any practical/emotional advice much appreciated.