What should I do? Re: alchoholic dad!

[cherry]

Hi all,
I don't know if any of youwill remember but a few months back I posted on here about problems with my family, and whether or not to allow my parents access to dd.

Anyway quick recap - my dad is unfortunately an alchoholic, things came to a head in April and I left my job (parents used to babysit) and haven't spoken to my dad since. I had a few phonecalls from my mum and I arranged for her to see dd over the summer holidays. I also patched up my relationship with my sister, and dd now stays there every other weekend for one night and also sees my mum there.
So things are pretty much ok with my mum, but now with Christmas just around the corner,I am debating sorting someting out with my dad too.

It is very hard to know what to do. At the time I asked him to stop drinking, and told him if he did he could go back to seeing dd at any time. He has already been in hospital twice this year as a result of drinkin, but he STILL drinks about a litre of vodka a day, and obviously I now think he can't want to see her that much if he can't even try and stop.

I would love for dd to see them all at Christmas, but I don't know if I feel comfortable with it if he is still drinking and behaving like a Jekyll and Hyde with my poor mum. Any advice would be so gratefully recieved, I really don't know what to do!

Thanks for listening

Cherry xx

Cherry,

I too am the daughter of an alcoholic father. The first thing I want to strongly impress on you is that his drinking has absolutely NOTHING to do with you, whether you mean a lot to him, certainly not whether he wants to see his granddaughter. My dad is a recovering alcoholic (relapsed badly last year) and we have had some pretty deep conversations on this subject.

We all know it's a sickness, not a behavior. It's not something that most people can just decide to stop, the same way most smokers require help and support when they quit. With alcoholics as well as smokers, you will never be able to convince them to quit, no matter what we threaten or how we beg. It's a monumental struggle going on inside them, one they hate themselves for and yet can't help succumbing to. My dad has told me that when he would drink, he'd be telling himself to stop, and wishing he could beat himself up and sometimes even kill himself because he could see himself giving in and drinking as if he were watching it on television. And yet even then, he couldn't. He had to reach that place inside himself where he knew it was either get help or die. That place is different for everyone.

I guess i'm telling you this because I really want you to understand that it's quite possible that your dad does love you very much and cares very much about being able to see his granddaughter. If I were in your situation (and I have been) what I would do is this. If you think his behavior is dangerous physically or emotionally to your child, by all means keep her away. But don't keep away yourself. Try and catch your dad in a good moment and have a talk. Just let him know you want to be on good terms, because you love him and care about him. Obviously you can't approve of his choices, but he needs to know that your love is unconditional (there are of course cases where unconditional love is impossible, but I don't think this was one for me personally). Life is short and your father is sick-tell him what he means to you and what you wish for the future. His rehabilitation is totally in his hands, and the realization of their sickness comes at different times and different ways for each person. Everyone-whether they will admit it or not-needs love and support.

I hope I've made any sense at all and not sounded too preachy. I get very emotional on this subject and can get out of control! I truly hope things can straighten out for your family.

sorry I can't offer any help but am interested in what if anything you think of this.
My husbands father is an alcoholic, keeps it fairly well under controll these days but drank a lot during my husbands childhood.There are some theories about how being the child of an alcoholic parent affects you in some big ways.Try puting "children of alcoholics" in a search engine and it will throw up a whole load of stuff. All a bit generalised, I am not sure if I agree with (lots of stuff about insecurities etc. thatI think apply to us all) it but would be interested inyour opinions.

Ah, well Manutd, I used to trot off to "Adult Children of Alcoholics" meetings on a regular basis. So yes, I believe it does afflict one for life, although in retrospect, I realise most of my childhood trauma & low self-esteem came from sibling & school bullying, not my sober but previously alcoholic parent.

Hey Cherry --
my mom started drinking again when I was about 20 and it has never been easy to deal with. The thing that I tend to feel now is that I have a right to be selfish about this. I have my own kids who need me as sane as I can be, and dealing with my mother has never been good for my sanity.

I thought Corbin's suggestions a good one, about you seeing your dad but not exposing your kids to his problems. I don't want to add much more because I don't know any answers. Don't feel obliged that he should see his grandchild, or bad that you are somehow depriving him. As you point out, he is choosing to deprive himself, and you can't change him. You really need to make plans on the basis of what is in your & your DD's best interests.

Thankyou so much for those replies - Corbin you had me in tears! I am no further forward in knowing what to do, I still haven't spoken to my dad in over 6 months and I wouldn't know how to approach him, I am not welcome in their house and the only time I could catch him in would be a weekend - unfortunately his worst time for drinking as my mum is at work and my dad is alone most of the day.

My sister has always been closer to him than I have, so she is going to see if she can talk to him and get anywhere. My mum and I have never been able to get through to him whereas my sister occasionally can.

The thing bothering me most is, I don't want anything to happen to him while we are on bad terms. And I certainly don't want dd to miss out, because when he hasn't had a drink he is so nice and so good with her. But when he is drunk, he is horrible, really horrible, and I can't cope with that anymore. The day I broke contact the greatest weight lifted from me, a weight I have carried with me since I was about 14.

Thank you so much again for your lovely replies.

Dear Cherry and all. I only have second hand experience of this, through my dh. His father was/is an alcoholic who despite almost dying carried on drinking, had a liver transplant and still has the "occasional" glass. At one point before we had kids he disappeared for a couple of years and noone knew if he was alive or dead. He reemerged with a new life and a new partner, both of which were difficult to cope with for my dh. My dh tried all sorts of things to try and stop him drinking and I tried all sorts to get him to admit it, to apologise somehow for ruining my dh's childhood, but to no avail. Frm my point of view, having lost my mum young I didn't wnat my dh to lose his dad without some form of reconciliation, for my dh's sake, not his dad's. Eventually we had to accept that the big "son, I'm sorry" thing was never going to happen and what we've done is to start again and try and build some happy memories. This is obviously easier for us than for others as a) we don't see him very often, though when he was at his illest we were there a lot b) he was never nasty when drunk just rather pathetic, and though it makes my husband sick to see him have even one glass of wine, he's never been absolutely drunk in front of us c) he has a nice partner who is lovely with the kids. He's doing well after the transplant but his days are obviously numbered and though I know my dh will alwasy regret the bad times when he was growing up and the effect it had on his mum and brother, he does at least have some new happy memories of his dad as a grandad, and my kids know only good things about him. Sorry I'm waffling. All that may be no help at all. My final point, is that you don't owe your dad anything, but you do need to protect yourself and think what you would want to say to him before it's too late. It may be that you have to accept that nothing you can do can change him, and that it's not your job to do that - but if there's some way of making YOU feel better in all this, please do it. You've suffered enough, you don't want to spend the rest of your life wishing you'd said something. Maybe you tell him you love him when he's not drunk, or you talk to him about good times/good memories (I know this is hard, my dh really had to struggle to come up with a good memory), or even try and have a good time with him at a time of day when he might not be drunk. Whatever it is, think of yourself and protect yourself and moan and rant here as much as you like.

Good luck and take care

I know I'm going to sound like a terrible psychotherapist or something in this post.

I know the weight you are talking about. It feels like an elephant is sitting on your heart mashing it to bits. Yet it's not your problem, so you can't fix it and get rid of it. What I learned is that I can't take responsibility for my dad's problems. I can let him know I'm there to support him and do anything I can, but I cannot make his problem my problem. My dad states it as "resolving ownership of the issue". It's his issue, not mine. I have my own that have spawned of his, and they are enough to keep me busy. I don't mean to be encouraging you in any way to be putting yourself back into a place where you feel the responsibility but just to give him the message that he's not completely cut off.

I'm assuming that your dad was drinking while you grew up, like mine was. I felt the most awful responsibility, I just knew that I'd gone wrong somewhere and made my dad behave the way he did. There were several scenes that still make me ill to think about. When I was ten years old, my parents separated (mom just couldn't handle it anymore and they were mismatched to start with) and I knew FOR SURE that it was my fault. I spent year tiptoeing around Dad hoping not to upset him, since everything was my fault anyway. Classic, isn't it? But that's what I mean by "ownership of the issue". It was never my problem, it had nothing to do with me at all.

In my very long-winded way I'm trying to tell you that I think it's possible to be in contact with your dad without taking on his responsibility and bringing that weight back on yourself. It's really hard to talk about this in person. Have you considered writing him a letter? It's easier to be clear and concise on paper when you don't have the emotional upheaval of facing him. As well, I can bet you he'll read it over and over. Actually, writing a letter can help even if you don't send it.

As for Christmas, if he's still drinking I don't think I'd expose dd to it unless he'd promised under pain of death to be sober while we were there. Christmas should be a happy, tension-free time!

When I say never been drunk in front of us, I mean in front of the kids and post transplant, prior to that it was a regular occurrence

Thank you again, it is helping me think a little more clearly and it helps to know I am not alone! I would like to speak to my dad but I really dont know when I would catch him at a good time, and the letter idea looks good but having tried this earlier today I just cant find the words!