Toxic friendship

[Poppy101010]

This might be a long one but stay with me. I'll try and be brief to get to the point.

In 2018 I met a guy online. We got on really well and met up a few times over the space of 6 months. I genuinely believed he liked me - all the right signals and would contact me everyday, all day. After a while I asked him outright if he wanted to start seeing each other. First he ignored my message and then said he only wanted to be friends. I was devastated. 6 months of getting to know someone, making a connection etc and then nothing. No reason either.

After that we did meet up a few times and still flirted/had sex with one another. I eventually met someone new and moved on - now married and expecting my first baby. He's still single. We are both still "friends" but it's a complicated friendship - all on his terms, he still flirts and suggests sex, ignores me for days and then my best friend. Upon reflection , I know very little about his life but I tell him everything about me.

Fast forward to present day - I've only met up with him as friends once in the last 2 years. He lives 30 minutes away. That meeting did not go well . Clearly had his own intentions and made me feel really used (I didn't have any sexual contact with him - but still felt that was his only purpose in meeting me).

I've put a lot of time , effort and emotion into this "friendship " but he is toxic. I've suggested making time for each other but my requests go ignored or there is an excuse. He seems to have time for everyone else but me , and again I feel used.

I have had many arguments with him about this. Always says efforts will be made then nothing changes. I even had a very open and honest conversation with him about past events and how making me feel used can really hit a sore spot - nothing. He always keen to stay friends but I honestly don't know what he's getting from this or what his end game is.

I blocked him last night after again, another request to do something was ignored. It's the rejection time after time that hurts. It's time for me to move on and focus on real friends and my pregnancy.

Really what I'm looking for is a little help / guidance in forgetting someone who has been in your life for a long time but you need to forget. I just wish I never met this person.

So you’re married and pregnant, and you’re meeting up with an ex who, it seems, only ever wants sex from you ?
Does your DH know you’re meeting him ?

Why are you worried or bothered about this man now you are married and pregnant? He is not a friend, he was a fling that went nowhere.

Husband is aware that we are friends. I have never cheated on my husband.

I stupidly tell myself that he does want to be friends - but the whole point in this post is I now see differently and need to forget this person.

I wish I realised sooner . Would have saved a lot of heartache and disappointment. But genuinely thought of this person as a friend.

He isn’t a friend, he uses you for sex. Bar him in every way from your life, and don’t ever go back to him, or it could end your marriage/family life.

It sounds as though you’re quite invested in your relationship with this bloke - what do you get from it that you’ll miss? From the way you’ve described it, he sounds self-seeking and manipulative, as well as being someone you hardly ever see. Hope you can move on and enjoy your new situation.

It's a horrible moment when you realise that someone you thought was one thing turns out to be a much worse version

And tricky as you can't really talk about it to too many people without people potentially misinterpreting buts it's definitely one of those thing that is good to talk through so go for some therapy?

Are you hoping that eventually he will reciprocate the interest you've showed in him? What will that mean for your husband if he does? This isn't a friendship OP.

I think for a long time I've imagined a better version of this person and it's eventually hit me that he will never be a friend, despite my best efforts.

I don't want any contact with this person now. All of the comments have been really helpful in making me realise this. I don't get anything positive from this person so it's best to block and forget.

He adds nothing positive to your life. I'm glad you've blocked him. You've got much better things happening in your life to focus on.

Time will help you realise what a knob he is and that you've done the best thing ever and you'll think less and less about them. Don't doubt yourself.

@Poppy101010

I think for a long time I've imagined a better version of this person and it's eventually hit me that he will never be a friend, despite my best efforts.

I don't want any contact with this person now. All of the comments have been really helpful in making me realise this. I don't get anything positive from this person so it's best to block and forget.

Manipulative people somehow manage to make you feel that you need them in your life more than you do, that's part of the manipulation. But once you cut them off totally, you see it much more clearly for what it is: an unhealthy dynamic, that's doing you way more harm than good.

I suspect he enjoys the ego boost of you being so keen to see him while he keeps you on a string. That says way more about him than about you. Most of us have had someone in our lives like that at some point.

Luckily, you've got so many good things going on in your life now that it makes it much easier to cut this guy off. He's not a good person for you.