what would you do re victim contact probation scheme

[fairyfly]

As some of you know i have just been involved in a crime where the accused has been sentenced.
This morning i have recieved a letter asking me if i would like to join the probation scheme. This basically means i get to find out when he is due for parole, how he is shaping up and what will happen to him when he is released.
It has shocked me a bit as i thought i would just get left alone for a while.
Part of me wants to know where he is, when he is released, where he will be living etc.
The other part never wants to hear his name again or be reminded. But then it would be good to know so i can move or avoid him, or hopefully see if he is reforming.
I feel very precious at the moment, stress is building up very quietly and i just don't know where to go with this one. Any advice?
If i say yes people will be round at my house at the end of the month for a meeting about him.
If i say no i will always wonder and be watching out.

Can you say yes and then drop out of it if it's too much?

Yes i can do what i want, drop out, rejoin, go at my own pace, its quite flexible

How long was his sentence? When would he be due for probation? If you don't feel up to a meeting now, can you ask them to contact you a month or two before he is due for probation.

I'll stare at the letter some more and hopefully arrive at something that way

Sentence was five years, he will get half of that and can apply for parole soon, i also get to see if he is being put on a programme inside, which i am all for

I dont think it will hurt to meet with these people even its just to find out about the scheme and what it involves. I think only you will know what you want to do. I think knowing you and what you are like, i think you will want to know and take whatever precautions necessary to avoid ever crosses paths with the person again.

Does seem a bit early though, to be discussing things. Could they not leave it until after christmas until you have got your head together and have got this year out the way with? You must be feeling very raw atm and quite rightly precious.
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Hopefully someone with a bit more knowledge about the actual scheme will come and explain what it is about.

Remember its your decision and dont be swayed by any of our opinions on here, only you know what is right for you. But when you have children their safety is paramount and for this reason I personally would find out.

Hugs FF, this must be very hard for you xx

Thanks, i don't know, its sent me a bit weird, good idea to wait for a while i think, maybe its best to get it done with, i always have presumed i'll be the one moving when i know he is due home. im sending myself a bit crazy today i think too much information is now in my brain and i am going to explode

yes but can you ask them to get in touch in say 6 months as you need to stop and get your breath back after the court case- you need to know when he gets released for your own sanity. {{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}} hugs ff

Still thinking pixiefish, not come to a decision, perhaps it will help now to know more. But six months also sounds like a sensible option. I would do anything at now to arrive at peace with it all. I watched a programme on screws last night and burst into tears, it has had a huge effect on me. Much more than i anticipated, the man and his cell are haunting me.

If it was me FF I'd say yes and meet with them if I felt strong enough .. but make it on your terms

HTH

Thanks Twiglett it does

Done it, they are coming to see me at the end of the month, really weird system for me to be involved i think. Anyway i'll drop out as suggested if it gets too much.

ff - I think it's quite normal to still be affected, and I think the probation people expect this,a nd should be quite experienced in helping you to deal with it. Remember, the point of this scheme is to help you, not to help him. That means that after seeing what it entails, if what helps your the best is to not be part of it, they will be perfectly OK with that decision.

Thanks good point prufock, i just don't know if it will make me feel better about things, But i have decided its worth a try and will stop if it is upsetting.

I wondered if it might be a kind of therapy for you, FF - talking about what happened and how you feel with people who have dealt with this kind of thing before - they can probably give you an idea of what stages you will go through emotionally.

I'm glad you have decided to start with it anyway. Hope it does turn out to be helpful. XXX

its not counselling in the slightest, i wont be talking about my emotions. Its just learning about the prison system and information provided on what stage he is at etc. tbh i still haven't a clue what the point is as i cant discuss my feelings

Need more input so i am self obsessively bumping up my own thread

Another bump for you my dear (I have to go now...)

will pots ina min when have ahad a good think

They came round today and it has really helped. Done me a lot of good. Pleased i did it they were very supportive of my feelings at the moment. Even writing a letter to my college explaining abscences and the fact im nervous.
I also learnt a lot about what will happen to him and it helps by making it seem real. I was starting to wonder if it was all some weird dream.

Really pleased to hear it went well and was helpful FF X

Cheers sm and i hope your well and coping without your lady x

Glad it was useful to you fairyfly

Thanks prufock