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Anyone else struggle at the school gate?

18 replies

hatter · 12/11/2004 09:37

I'm a part-time mum (if there is such a thing)and am beginning to find the school gate hard work. There is a definite "in-crowd" (which they would deny vociferously) and initially I did get to know them a bit, had a few coffees with them. Nowadays I generally can't cos of DD2's activities - when you're only off 2 days a week it seems a bit more important to do those things than have coffee. Now it seems I'm virtually ignored by this lot and am really not "in". There doesn't seem to be much of a middle ground - you're either a regular, every week, at coffee, or not at all. The same group run the friend's association and - although I really don't think they realise - they kind of monopolise it. I know they work hard but at the beginning of term they said everyone was welcome to meetings and they would put times up on notice boards -not a single such notice has gone up - even though they have orf=ganised two events so muct have been having meetings.

Part of me knows that I'm behaving a bit like a spoilt child - I;m not sure how many of these meetings I would have gone to and - like I said - I donlt have a burning desire to be in with their crowd and have coffee evry week. I just feel a bit miserable and excluded. Just wondered wat everyone else's experience was like.

OP posts:
marialuisa · 12/11/2004 10:09

There are defo a few "schoolgates" stalwarts, run the PTA but are downright rude to anyone "new" who volunteers (I know, I tried!) but I have realised that they are just a loud minority and have managed to get to know the "working parents" Although we don't meet up for coffee etc. DD has a social life outside school and we have people we can ask to take DD to school in an emergency (e.g. past 2 days when we've been carless). Given time it would probably have developed further but we're moving again.

TBH, it helped when I realised that I would have nothing to talk to the mummy mafia about.

Lonelymum · 12/11/2004 11:01

I'll let you in on a secret, I feel the same as you and I am a full-time mum. I have been going to stand in the playground twice a day for the last four and a bit years and I have never infiltrated the "in" crowd.
I have three children at the school. My difficulties all started when ds1 started school. I thought it was me, but then when ds2 started, I realised the people I knew through ds1 just weren't very friendly. The parents of children in ds2's year are much nicer. Perhaps when your dd2 starts school you will find the same. My dd has just started and I thought I would meet loads of people, but the parents in her year group are even more cliquey. It seems to go back to the fact that they all knew each other at ante-natal class! My first three children were born in other parts of the country. Perhaps when ds3 starts school in 3 years, I will be part of the in crowd as I know the mothers of many of his peer group already! (though secretly, I hope we have moved by then!)

sallystrawberry · 12/11/2004 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stickynote · 12/11/2004 11:16

Forget the "in crowd" - they're a done deal and TBH you don't want to be part of their clique anyway, do you?

Do you have a class rep system at your school? If not, start one up. We had our first class evening out last night as organised by our rep and it was really nice to be able to chat to some different mums (and some I didn't even recognise as the playground is such a scrum) - ds has only been at this school this term, so am very familiar with impenetrable (sp?) cliques.

mykidsmum · 12/11/2004 11:33

Love Sallystrawberrys response!!

SoupDragon · 12/11/2004 11:58

The mothers from DS1s class are all very friendly....

Gobbledigook · 12/11/2004 12:07

Ooh SS - that would drive me mad!! It's a bit like that round here (though ds's not at school yet) so I'll be running a mile from that lot!!

pixiefish · 12/11/2004 13:00

I've just been to a new mothers and toddlers group and boy was it cliquey. DD was playing in the babies bit - she is only 9 months- and these 3 and 4 year olds were throwing themselves aroiund in her vicinity while the mothers sat and had coffee . i had to leave as i was worried for dd's safety

Titania · 12/11/2004 13:07

I don't have any friends in RL.....Ive tried talking to the other mums there and even been to the toddler group. There is are definate 'clans' that tend to stick together. I have given up now.

Sozie · 12/11/2004 13:49

My dd's at Nursery at the local school and I wouldn't say I have noticed a chique yet but what I have noticed is that if you don't "chat" you don't get party invites. Now I am a sahm so I have time to chat and dd has had loads of invites but my neighbour with a dd in the same class is late usually and doesn't get a chance to chat and her dd never gets any . Nearly all dd's classmates go up in January to Reception so there will be a new crowd but I HATE cliques so hope we can all pass pleasantries. Haven't done the coffees yet but that would mean I would have to tidy my house .

Titania · 12/11/2004 13:50

i mean i do have MN friends ive met in RL but not ones that live nearby i can just ring up adn say 'hey fancy a coffee?'

hatter · 12/11/2004 13:52

how bad do I feel? Not much more than two hours after that post I went to pick dd up and guess what happened? They all talked to me and one of them proposed having people - yep including me - in fact changing the day to accommodate me (!) round for coffee. I couldn't believe it. They just blow hot and cold. When I arrived outside school I was quite early and there were only two people there - I said hello and they LITERALLY ignored me. I was just thinking, well, %£$* you then, then 5 minutes later, one of the ones who had ignored me starting speaking to me. and then the coffee thing. TBH it feels a bit like being a kid at school, when you never knew where you stood. Half of me thinks, maybe I'm not such a leper, half of me thinks they're quite nice and genuinely don't realise that they can seem cliquey, the other half thinks, I can do without this! Oh well, I'll take it as it comes. I have suspicions that there's an element of wanting to check out everyone's house - I personally would prefer a quick coffee in the caf by school before going off to do something. Not a whole morning and the chance to take a look at someone else's bathroom. But I'm certainly feeling better now - a combination of you guys and my strange experience at lunchtime. Suddenly it really doesn't seem important anymore. I know them well enough to know there are no potential soul mates so it's no great loss

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Lonelymum · 12/11/2004 13:54

Titania, what about holding your own coffee morning to raise money for charity? This thread has got me thinking I need to do something proactive about my dreadful social life and I thought if I could disguise an invitation behind a charity event, it might get me started on meeting real people. How about it? If you do it, I will too!

Twiglett · 12/11/2004 13:55

I think I'm the in-crowd

I make an effort to smile and start conversations with all the mums, but some don't return the smile .. or are hard work to talk to (its not even difficult conversation . .how are you, how's kid settling in blah blah blah)

If I get a one-word response, or no smile I think they don't want to be friends

There are a group of mums who I'm friendly with so when I see them at the gate (pre-school) we chat .. once I'm chatting I may not notice other people around because I'm involved in a conversation

4 of us go to the parents meetings .. I've asked other mums to come along but they don't seem that interested

I've invited one mum over for coffee for about 4 weeks now (who isn't 'in the gang') .. it hasn't happened yet due to different things .. but cos she's unfailingly pleasant and keeps saying hi we must do it .. I'll keep invititing

I had 5 mums .. 8 kids for lunch yesterday

So if I'm honest .. I'm probably one of those mums you complain about .. but what else am I supposed to do? I try to be friendly, I always smile .. I would hate someone else to think I'm cliquey .. but I suppose if I was on the outside it might feel that way

Lonelymum · 12/11/2004 13:56

Hatter - that is great and a bit ironic! Perhaps they are shy too. That would explain why they stick to people they know and avoid new people such as yourself. Go along and nose round their bathroom (I take it the coffee morning isn't going to be in your house?) and don't worry if nothing more comes of it.

hatter · 12/11/2004 13:56

Titania - don;t know your kids ages and if you've been through this - but it's really worth checking out different toddlers groups - I've said this before on here but one of my local ones is lovely and very uncliquey - the main reason is that everyone gets a job to do, the morning is tructured so that we all have coffee (making it being one of the jobs) at the same time as the kids get juice and a biscuit, and - this is the key, imo - there are no chairs for grown ups, WHich means you perch on kiddie's chairs, you move about, you join in with what the kids are doing - the result is a really good atmosphere - so it's really worth trying to find somewhere like that if you can

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Twiglett · 12/11/2004 13:57

Actually if I think about it maybe I and my 'mates' are the out-crowd PMSL

gothicmama · 13/11/2004 21:16

T me and dd are coming over your way soon book us in for coffee

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