How will this end? Drug related.

[MynameisWa]

It’s my friend. She’s always been a party queen. But now she’s 50 and she takes coke every weekend and binge drinks at least twice per week. She’s partying harder now than we did in our 20s. Her Dh is the same but to make things even worse he is on antidepressants too. They are well heeled middle class people who exercise a lot and it seems in the circles they mix in this is normal. All she wants to do is get people over and party into the night every weekend.

To make things even more confusing she is ultra confident, glamorous and seems to be ‘living her best life.’

This makes it impossible to broach her lifestyle choice and ask her about it as it seems it’s doing her the world of good!

It can’t though. Can it?

I think lockdown has had a negative impact on a lot of peoples drug and alcohol consumption tbh. You say they have kids, I don't think its ok to get wasted with kids in the house personally, but she obviously doesnt see the issue so I doubt there is anything you can do.

What age are the kids? Are they there when she is getting high?

Focus on the children and the impact on them. How old are they? Do you engage with them? Are your dc friends? If they are impacted (likely then tell someone). Be the safe adult to talk to.

She is an adult and some people escape the impact of drinking & drugs, you only have to look at the rock n roll old timers who are still around. There are also those who smoke 40 a day and avoid lung cancer.. rare but some do exist.

Does she get regular health check ups, blood tests would quickly assess if her liver is being impacted. Is this an angle you could use?

Is her DH working? some industries are now drug and alcohol testing. I think this should be rolled out widely as it will help to drive down the crime associated with drugs.

@Fireflygal all great pints. DH has high profile job and I asked about drug testing and ‘they are not worried’. Don’t know why.

Her kids are close friends with the kids of her druggy mates. They are constantly being socialised (sleeping over, at their own parties) and so again it’s hard to get any access.

Also have thought about the health check angle. I will ask if her doctor knows about her lifestyle and what she tells them when asked about her limits and consumption. I can drop that into conversation.

Points! Not pints fgs!!

@Morgan12 they are low teens. They are either put to bed or they are farmed out, or stay at home alone!

@grizzlygrump

Not a popular opinion here but it’s possible to take drugs and manage to keep it under control without spiralling into despair. Each to their own - it is totally possible all is groovy.

yes. I am not a drug user but each to their own.

people who have mentioned old age - I often joke that I must up my intake of wine and cheese to be sure I don't get there. But actually I am not joking. there is a serious longevity problem in my family.

so maybe they don't want to get old and that's fine.

Also haven't people like John Hurt and Mick Jagger said they are amazed they partied so hard and they're still here? So there's no guarantee of anything.

one of our friends died at 49 with this lifestyle. He always said he'd stop when he hit 50. It is terrible for his DC and he was the primary carer, but I don't think he wanted to hit 50 in reality.

I would be worried about the kids in this scenario. They may be well fed, in ironed clothes, and at school on time, but that doesn't mean they are okay. I am the child of a functioning alcoholic and I am extremely "successful" and always have been but the impact has been deep and has actually messed up my life a lot. It affects you to know that your parent(s) is choosing substance abuse over you, even if you are not consciously aware of it. But I don't know how you will get her to listen. Good luck.

I think you have accept it is her business and stay away if you don't like it.

I’m not suggesting anyone should stop partying in middle age. It’s the regularity of this that I find worrying. And impact on family life.

I live in a fairly affluent area. I like a drink but the levels of alcohol consumption here are really shocking. Lots of very middle class, high earners with kids who drink like fishes. Both at home and socially. And yes, lots of "cheeky" lines of coke, mostly taken at private parties in each other's homes. But also when out socially, even at events linked to the PTA.

It seems to only slow down when there is a big health scare from what I can see.

Your friend's social life revolves around her alcohol and cocaine. Her friends support and enable to do it because they do it too. From the behaviour you describe, she is probably a bit high when you see her anyway. There is nothing you can do to stop her.

But you can decide if you want to talk to her about it. At the risk of losing the friendship (which doesn't seem to give you much anyway). Or pull back and let her get on with it.

@CagneyNYPD1 I know a lot of high functioning addicts who seem to not care about the consequences. Drinking is normalised. Drugs pretty commonplace. I notice it more because I used to be a heavy drinker and now I’m practically sober. I suppose I am just aware of the lies we tell ourselves.

I have lost count of the number of times I have smelt alcohol on a parent first thing on the school run. Usually on a Friday following a Thursday night blow out. Not on their breath but seeping out of their pores as they wear their high end gym gear as they walk the kids to school before heading to te gym or a run. Professional men and women. Sweating off the booze before heading home for a quick shower and logging on to deal with the various work commitments for that day. I strongly suspect that working from home has made the situation worse as it has made it so much easier to cover it up.

I like the odd drink. I drink considerably less in my 40s than I did in my 20s. But because I used to indulge in frequent heavy nights, I can spot it a mile away. Just as an ex smoker, I can smell cigarettes from a long distance.

The question still remains, can you really carry on excessively into your old age and not have it catch up with you? Mick jagger is cited. But rumours are he is bipolar. Plus, it’s said he gave up hard drugs when he met Jerry hall and that was 40 years ago.

I guess this thread isn’t really about whether or not I confront her, it’s what is likely to be in store. For instance: What does a 60 year old, female clubber look like? I’ve never met one.

My moms friend was like this, started after a divorce at around 45, went a bit crazy on the drugs, sleeping around, still working a professional job with 3 adult children who had no idea, she would show up to work coked up and nobody really had a clue, she told my mom over drinks one night, unfortunately my mom did start to worry as her behaviour did become erratic, my mom spoke to her ex husband as they was still close after the marriage breakdown about her behaviour and said she was worried, after that she attempted suicide twice before getting some help, she is now off the drugs but hasn’t spoken to my mom since, they was friends since teenagers.
Sometimes you are dammed if you do dammed if you don’t

And to add she does have serious health complications now due to drugs and drink overuse

@Thewayshetalks there is always that element of self destruction so far as alcohol and drugs are concerned. It’s never just ‘for fun’. I’m sad for your mum and that she did a good thing by trying to confront it but lost a friend out if it.

It does get to you in the end.....the 1 day hangovers that turn into 2/3, the waking up on a Monday feeling like shit and realising that all the adult stuff you should have done at the weekend didn't get done cos you were wasted / coming down and has to be done in the week whilst fitting in work and school runs and the final realisation that actually the reason you are tired, feel shit, are snappy and sometimes depressed is what you are doing to your body when your not 21 anymore.

So yeah it's not sustainable forever but that's something people have to figure out on their own.