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Original poster

How will this end? Drug related.

43 replies

MynameisWa · 16/10/2021 23:24

It’s my friend. She’s always been a party queen. But now she’s 50 and she takes coke every weekend and binge drinks at least twice per week. She’s partying harder now than we did in our 20s. Her Dh is the same but to make things even worse he is on antidepressants too. They are well heeled middle class people who exercise a lot and it seems in the circles they mix in this is normal. All she wants to do is get people over and party into the night every weekend.

To make things even more confusing she is ultra confident, glamorous and seems to be ‘living her best life.’

This makes it impossible to broach her lifestyle choice and ask her about it as it seems it’s doing her the world of good!

It can’t though. Can it?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 16/10/2021 23:26

You will probably lose your friendship if you do say something to her. She will be very aware of what she's doing but it sounds as though she has an addiction problem and won't accept any criticism.

Original poster
MynameisWa · 16/10/2021 23:31

Is it possible to party like this long term and it not effect you eventually do you think? You hardly hear of middle age people who have over cooked it as most people give up or it’s got to them at some point.

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Blankspace4 · 16/10/2021 23:31

Tricky one. It’s her life, her choice, but I can see as a long term friend why you’d be concerned.

Could you try and have a few low key (booze free) meet ups in a location where booze isn’t involved? See if she opens up?

I don’t want to jump to conclusions but, in my experience, she’s burying something she’s unhappy about

Original poster
MynameisWa · 16/10/2021 23:33

I did think about asking her to meet up but she is always rushing about and I think she wants to avoid a one to one as she thinks I’ll broach it, which I might! She just talks and talks and so it’s hard to get intimate iykwim.

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Blankspace4 · 16/10/2021 23:36

It sounds like she is potentially experiencing some real issues. Even though she’s busy, couldn’t you try and get something in, a few weeks ahead? If she’s really no time for you then I’d question why you are investing any time in the friendship.

Original poster
MynameisWa · 16/10/2021 23:37

She’s very adamant that she’s doing what she wants. So, doesn’t invite opposition. ‘I’m lovin it’ is what she’ll say and won’t even try and cover up what she’s been ingesting. Even though I gave it all up years ago she doesn’t censor it. Or if she does then I wouldn’t know.

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HollowTalk · 16/10/2021 23:38

You say she talks and talks, do you think that she is coked up at that point?

grizzlygrump · 16/10/2021 23:39

Not a popular opinion here but it’s possible to take drugs and manage to keep it under control without spiralling into despair. Each to their own - it is totally possible all is groovy.

HollowTalk · 16/10/2021 23:39

I think alcohol is supposed to be a really big problem in middle-aged women. If she's drinking really heavily twice a week and taking coke as well, I wonder whether she's drinking on other nights when it's just her and her husband.

Original poster
MynameisWa · 16/10/2021 23:41

@Blankspace4 I agree with you. She is a long term friend but is not an attentive one. She will only ever see anyone under the influence. She doesnt maintain sober relationships at all. But I am worried that I’d be ditching a long term friend who will eventually need help.

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Blankspace4 · 16/10/2021 23:44

@MynameisWa you are not responsible for her.

All you can do is text her and say if she fancies a walk or a coffee one day, you are here. I wouldn’t be surprised if on a hungover day she accepts that - question is how long you leave that invite open.

Original poster
MynameisWa · 16/10/2021 23:46

@grizzlygrump I am realising this. Drug taking is pretty prolific in all walks of life and society still kind of holds together. I think yes when you are young you can have a misprint youth but choosing it as a permanent lifestyle in middle years has got to be different. It can’t be sustainable can it, into old age? It’s just unchartered territory and I can’t see how she’ll ever stop, unless it stops her.

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longcoffeebreak · 16/10/2021 23:47

No disrespect but why is it your business? I say this as a teetotal vegan but really even if she is living unsustainably for the long term it's her choice isn't it? It sounds like it's working for her on some level and she's still enjoying it and is working/ keeping 'fit' etc. So what are the chances she will want to change?

Original poster
MynameisWa · 16/10/2021 23:47

@Blankspace4 Star

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TheresSomethingAboutAndy · 16/10/2021 23:50

Really.........leave her to it.
It's not the best lifestyle for anyone but that's what's she's doing and she probably wouldn't thank you for interfering.

Original poster
MynameisWa · 16/10/2021 23:51

@longcoffeebreak yes I do think this. And I have stood by and let her get on with it. It’s just she’s got kids and her DH doesn’t seem that cool and her house was a bit of a too today, and she doesn’t work. Idk, I just feel a bit mad at her I too for being selfish. Though don’t have any right to feel this way I know.

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Original poster
MynameisWa · 16/10/2021 23:51

House was a bit of a mess! Sorry on phone!

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Blankspace4 · 16/10/2021 23:52

I’m honestly shocked at the number of people saying that it’s fine and that it should be ignored!

I’m no prude at all when it comes to booze / drug taking - we all had a youth. But OP seems to be suggesting this is a change in character or a sudden escalation and is therefore concerned for her friend. I’d be grateful for a friend like her, if I was going off the rails

Original poster
MynameisWa · 17/10/2021 00:00

I think the issue is there is no sign at all that this will ever stop. At least when you’re young you say I’ll give up when I’m settled down. She is settled down and she’s getting worse. There is only one way this is going to go.

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Blankspace4 · 17/10/2021 00:05

It doesn’t sound like she’s settled at all tbh….a partner and a nice home don’t guarantee that by any means

Skinnymuffins · 17/10/2021 00:06

@grizzlygrump

Not a popular opinion here but it’s possible to take drugs and manage to keep it under control without spiralling into despair. Each to their own - it is totally possible all is groovy.
As anti drug as I am personally - this is unfortunately true. There's a very wealthy area a few miles from me where my son (a teenager) has friends whose parents are exactly like this. They have high powered stressful jobs and are coked up to the max and party every weekend.

It looks from the outside like some high functioning depression but they seem to be holding everything together. Their kids are in school on time, clean ironed clothes and they're holding down their jobs.

It's difficult to be on the sidelines watching people putting so many toxic substances in to their bodies but unfortunately it's their bodies and if no harm is coming to anyone else or them as a result (you could argue that the drug in itself is harm but...) then I'm afraid you're either her friend and accept how she is or find other friends 😬

Morgan12 · 17/10/2021 00:08

I'd be more concerned about the alcohol tbh.

But ultimately not your business to say anything.

Original poster
MynameisWa · 17/10/2021 00:17

Thank you everyone. I have been thinking about this for a long time and it’s finally good to talk about it and hear some views.

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Original poster
MynameisWa · 17/10/2021 08:31

Just a bump.

Want to know if anyone has experience of regular middle class type binge drinking and drug use in middle years and what, if anything, broke the routine.

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rushedruined · 17/10/2021 08:33

I don't think you can do anything to change someone else's behaviour or break their addictions. They need to want to change, probably by hitting some kind of rock bottom.

Sadly there's no way that this won't be affecting their kids.