How to love my life...

[hopefulitsmyyear]

Hi! I'm struggling a lot lately with one thing & another & don't know how to move forward in life & enjoy it.

I've been single for like ever! I have great family & friends but they're all married & have kids (young & older)

I've never met the right man but, don't exactly put myself out there - I have major trust issues due to childhood trauma & it's holding me back.

I'd love nothing more than a relationship & children but time is rolling on & I see myself being an old, lonely woman.

I feel like a nuisance to my friends when asking them to meet up & to do stuff. I don't see what they get from our friendship. I feel like a boring person with nothing to give. I sometimes think about how people would react if I was to die & what people would say about me. I don't think I make an impact on anyone's life. Whenever I'm alone I go over things that have been said in our conversations, things I have seen on social media or make up scenarios in my head & get absolutely paranoid. It's driving me absolutely crazy. I'm on medication for anxiety & that really helps with that side of things but I'm so bored & lonely when I've nobody to see. There's so much I want to do but won't go alone. (I do work full time)

Please tell me there's hope for me yet.

Of course there is hope for you!

I have been alone since my OH died and it has taken me quite a while to get through my head that my life has worth and does not have to be judged in relation to others: what they might think of me, how I might be remembered, how many times I have seen friends etc.

I do understand how hard it must be for you, but you need to start loving yourself and valuing your life for its own sake before you will feel confident to reach out to others without fearing that you are sounding needy and that they are getting nothing out of seeing you. The only reason you think that is because you judge yourself in that way.

I really would recommend that you seek some counselling. I am sure that would hep you to feel you have worth in your own right.

@Mischance Thank you for taking the time to reply. I'm sorry to hear about your OH.

I think you're right. I do need some sort of counselling - I tried in my early 20's but she was only interested in discussing my eating disorder & that was just a part of me, I wasn't interested in overcoming that. I guess I need to try again.

I do feel very needy & negative. I only have a few friends I can rely on for emotional support but, at the same time I worry they think I'm too needy & also worry what they say to others about me. I clearly have major hang ups. I just feel SO abnormal & desperately want to fit in.

Lots of hang ups! But that is what happens in response to childhood trauma. So in that sense you are entirely normal.

Try and find a counsellor and tell him or her what you think the issues for you are and what you want to get out of the sessions - be assertive! If the counsellor is not concentrating on the things that you feel need looking at then say so! If he/she feels there is good reason to look at some other things then you can listen and make your own judgement. When you have counselling YOU are the customer (they are always right remember!) and if you feel that the discussions are not moving in a direction to achieve your goals, then say so and talk with them about it.

What have you got to lose by having some counselling?

I would also recommend CBT. All
The best OP, I've felt similar to you but more because I am early 30's but I have been unwell for as long as I remember. I feel like the only subject I am knowledgeable about is my health conditions! So I have very little to offer to others. I'm slowly getting there.

Also find some hobbies that interest you. Take the plunge and join a book club if you like reading for example. What have you got to lose?!

@Mischance I will definitely look into therapy, I'm just not sure counselling would be enough. I'm really struggling. Thank you 

@needtogetfit21 Sorry to hear about your health conditions. It's hard isn't it, I have some muse that hinder my wanting to do more. I will look into therapy, I was reading up on DBT. EDMR is also something I looked into a while ago but I'm not sure I'm strong enough at the moment. I am trying to get myself into different things, it's just having someone to go with that holds me back - I'm not good at trying new groups on my own.

Where in the country are you? If you were local I would happily join you