Is my relationship falling apart? (long)

[Chloe55]

I don't think I dare admit that it is but something is definitely not right in the once strong '55' household

We have a 22mth old boy who is defnitely pushing the boundaries with me at the minute. I work part-time, my husband works full time so I am doing most of the childcare. My issues:

1. Ds is hitting out and going through some terrible temper tantrums. If I tell him 'no' for something then he immediately starts hitting me. I warn him that he will go outside (our word for the naughty room which is the hallway) if he does it again and yet he continues. I do follow through with my threats on every occassion and he does come back in after 2mins outside and gives a hug and all is calm until the next time. Now, I don't actually have a problem with this as such as I am sure it is normal 2yr old behaviour and I just have to stay strong. My problem is with dh who is soft as a brush with him for the little amount he sees him and I regularly hear him saying "please, please don't hit daddy" up to 6 times!! Then he threatens outside but never follows through and on the rare occassion he does he will keep him out there for no longer than 10secs. So, this is basically undermining any discipline tactics I use.

I had a chat with my bf about it yesterday and burst into tears which shocked me a bit as I didn't think I was getting stressed out about it. Dh came home later that evening and I was feeling a bit low. He commented that he gets the impression I don't like looking after ds anymore - I said that wasn't the case but that we both need to install the same discipline when he starts to hit. He fobbed it off as normal 2yr old behaviour and that I am probably being too harsh and should not get so stressy. Forstly, I don't get stressy during the situation and secondly it may be 'normal' but it doesn't make it acceptable. He agreed to try and be a bit more strongwilled with him and I agreed to be less stressy.

2. I have noticed that more and more dh is commenting on my figure (I used to be a slim 12 and am now a size 14), saying how fat we have both got and how unhappy he is with his weight (whilst looking in disgust at my gut ) it really pees me off because imo, yes I have got fatter, but I have given birth since I was that youthful size 12 and I am going to the gym at least twice sometimes 3 times a week so I am trying! Then he commented that I hardly ever bother to put make-up on or do my hair which again is untrue, if I go out I do make an effort but after a day at work, doing housework and looking after a toddler I can't look all pretty miss yummy mummy. I'm basically pretty sure he doesn't fancy me anymore which cuts me up really

3. Housework - I'm sure some of you can probably agree with me here. I know I work part-time so I really don't have a problem with doing the lion's share but I do have a problem with dh thinking that I don't 'work' as hard as he does so why should he have to put the bins out/unload the dishwasher (which are his only 2 jobs) It's like he doesn't see that I work my arse off to keep the home running smoothly, child bathed and bedded, tea on table, clean and tidy house, dog walked etc.

4. Money - but then that's always an issue.

So, basically, how can I turn this around? I actually didn't think so much had got on top of me until yesterday when I broke down on my friend. I don't know if dh thinks we have a problem - I guess he'd be pretty blind if he hasn't noticed something is wrong. We haven't had sex for over a month and even then we only really made the effort as we are TTC!! I guess it's maybe a good thing this has gone on hold for now.

Men always seem to think that because a woman is a SAHM or even works part-time we don't seem to do much . Any SAHM will say it is much harder than going out to work.

My DH doesn't lift a finger in the house, so I have come to the conclusion that if the house is a mess then it can stay that way (if I have other more important things to do that is).

As for your figure - a size 14 is hardly huge is it, plus you have just had a baby ffs. Tell him he is looking a bit fat too these days and buy him a gym membership for christmas the cheedky git.

What you should do is book a weekend away with your best mates and leave him to look after the baby for the w/end and see how he copes .

on the discipline thing, I would say you're doing absolutely the right thing. By the time your DS goes to nursery, he will understand that it is possible to feel angry without acting on the anger. Nursery can be miserable for a child who hasn't learnt this and is constantly being told off for hitting and punching.

Perhaps your DH also feels unappreciated and that is at the root of his sniping. He may be trying to provoke a row to get some things off his chest. I know I do it.

Can I just say, as your DH isn't, that I think you're doing a marvellous job and you are undoubtedly working a lot harder than me.

Thanks for your comments and TTTB, your post just actually made me cry! Maybe that's my problem, I'm feeling fat, ugly and completely unappreciated and maybe that's also how dh is feeling. We need to talk about it but I don't know if I'm making a big deal about it all, maybe I'm just beingm oversensitive. Oh, I just don't know - I just want to feel happy and I don't seem to have truly felt happy for a while.

hope it was a good cry. I actually felt quite guilty reading your post because I realised just how much effort DP has been making to be nice to me lately and I've barely noticed, let alone reciprocated.

You sound like you need a day off. Go to the park, play with DS, eat biscuits and ice cream and greet your DH with a big hug when he gets home. It'll confuse him if nothing else.

1. Both my daughters went through phases of hitting me and my 26 month old still does sometimes. Instead of telling her off, I take her hand and rub it on my face and say "We don't hit, we touch people gently. Gently." and then when she repeats the action I say "That's it, gently"

When she hits again (as is inevitable - she's not doing it to be malicious, just doesn't understand how it hurts people) I say "gently" and she'll stop hitting and stroke my face or hand instead and say "gently"

Sometimes I say "hands aren't for hitting, hands are for clapping" and divert her attention to clapping.

I also reiterate how it hurts to be hit.

If my children hit another child, I tell my child "no, we don't hit other people" and then I ignore my child and give the other child lots of attention and sympathy. If my younger child hits her older sister I get her to go and see if she is OK, trying to teach her to empathise.

You have to remember that children of your DS's age have little impulse control. You'll continue to be disappointed if you think putting him in the hallway will stop him hitting you. The two actions have no connection. The best thing you can do is see it as your role to help teach your son to learn to empathise.

I'm sorry you are having problems with your DH. Could you talk to him and have an open honest dialogue about what is going on? You might find you're mis-perceiving his remarks. If not, perhaps you can let him know how hurt you are.

The housework issue is a bit shitty. When I was working p/t it was assumed that I would do what was needed if I was at home and as soon as we were both at home, we shared whatever needed doing. My DH has never expected dinner on the table and I'd be irritated with him if he did think it was specifically my job. We take turns to cook dinner. Have you ever left your son for a weekend with your DH? Sometimes they don't understand how little you can manage to get done when a toddler is around 'helping' or undoing everything you clean up. If he had to do it for a weekend by himself, he might understand a bit better.

I watched Gok (the naked program)for the first time last week and I think we can have a go at some of his ideas oursleves.

Get DH to look after DS for a whole day and you go out with BF and buy a new bra and have a day trying on fabulous clothes until you find one thing that really accentuates your new curves - don't hide them. Get one of those makeovers in the beauty hall (don't feel obliged to buy).

Then go out (or to friends for dinner).

Hopefully he'll be starting to realise quite how hard you work, and you'll be feeling better about your figure.

Failing this.....pilates!

Just read ekra's post - totally agree, especially about los 'helping'!

I know just how you feel. I'm having pretty much the same problems as you. Except DH is a bit too strict i feel. I've lost soo much weight since the 2 dds (I am not gloating at all'cus believe it or not I feel really curveless and unattractive) Unlike you I have stopped doing my hair and make-up 'cus I frankly can't see the point any more. It is so much hard work looking after a house and children and working all be it P/T just makes it harder. Sorry I can't offer advice but you have my sympathy, empathy and hugs!! If I come up with any strategies though I will be back.

Thanks for your kind posts. After reading your post ekra maybe I am being unrealistic. I don't expect ds to stop hitting just because he goes in the hall when he does it, I just hope that I can prevent him from hitting if he knows what's coming after the warning iyswim. I will try your method first and see if it helps. He does seem to hit to see if he can push me as appose to hurt me though because, believe me, he could hit me much harder than he does!

I love Gok! I actually applied to go on that show and got through to the next application stage but dh told me he didn't want me to go on as it would be embarrassing for him and did I really want everyman and his dog looking at my wobbly bits, I felt even worse then so I decided not to go

I could do with some retail therapy but money is a problem.

Dh is generally good at having ds if I go to a friend's house or something but lately he has had exams and so has been studying every hour God sends when not at work (which I appreciate must be much more horrible for him than me) but I feel like I haven't had a break. He finished his exams last week and went out at the weekend leaving me with ds all weekend when I was hoping for a break myself! I guess reading that back, it sounds selfish as he obviously needed a break from work and study but did he really need to set off at 11am to go to a footie match that starts at 3pm just so he can go on a bender all day and night - do you know what I mean?

Can't decide whether to get all dressed up/bathed/make-upped etc and not mention how I feel tonight and try and rekindle our past or whether to just have it out with him

What about ringing a friend in a distant part of the country and inviting yourselves to stay. Low cost and a great opportunity to chat in a confined space.

I suspect getting all dolled up may lead to you having it out with him anyway.

Sorry confined space being the car on the journey not your friend's house!

Yes come and stay here Chloe (in fact come this weekend, then you can sneak out to the Christmas meet up with me )!

No words of wisdom really, except that 4 doesn't help with 1-3.

Well, progress.

I decided to go for the getting dressed up/ran him a bath tactic - all was going well whilst we tucked into our tea and then I mentioned about going out on the 21st with friends (has been arranged for ages). He just said, oh would have been nice to be informed under his breath and basically all hell broke loose. It seems we have both been keeping things bottled up and I just flipped, I nearly walked out of the house I was soo mad with the accusations about my attitude being thrown at me etc when I had been getting so upset for months over his! I literally became hysterical and got to the point where I couldn't talk through sobs so he grabbed me tight and held me close to him. After we had both calmed down we had it out. He admitted that he had been making horrible jibes about my physical appearance and he didn't know why other than maybe because he was so insecure with his own - he assured me I was beautiful. I apologised for claiming he never helps out etc.

When it boils down to it I think our main problem is we have stopped doing things together, we do both get to go out but it is always separately as the other one babysits which leaves us never going out together.

I already feel much more positive.

Oh and we had great sex too ;-)

pmsl at your last line . Hope that things start to improve now you've cleared the air.

Do you think I should try?

I actually wasn't expecting it to all come out like it did - neither did I appreciate just how miserable dh was either - has we left it any longer it would have been much harder to claw it back so yes, give it a try!

Phew!!!