Why do so many expecting mothers drop their childless friends?

[CaptSkippy]

It is now the second time in the past couple of years when I am losing a friendship due to a friend having a baby. It follows a pattern:

Friend I haven't heard from in a while suddenly contacts me, seemingly to catch up. She'll ask me how I am doing and when I ask her in return, she'll announce she is pregnant. I congratulate her and during her pregnancy I'll contact her a few times to ask how she is doing and I'll be lucky to get a reply.

After she gives birth, sometimes I hear she now has a baby, but often I don't hear from her at all anymore. Although these were not super close friendships, they did last for years through various events (people, moving, switching careers, etc). But when there is a baby I feel I though I no longer have value to them, even as a distant friend and it does sting a little.

Why does this happen? I don't know if I am even looking for an answer. I just want to get this off my chest.

It's more likely the fact that the two of you no longer have much in common. As simple as that. And the first few months of parenthood are often a blur of activity coupled with no sleep, so catching up with old friends often goes on the back burner anyway.

I'd just accept the change, and understand that it isn't personal, it's just that your lives are now on different paths.

I dropped a couple of friends during my first pregnancy, but that's because they were a bit weird about babies and seemed very sneery and bitchy about it all. I'm assuming that you haven't been like that, since you made this post.

The only other thing I can think of is that they have suddenly changed massively in every way. Their whole world is different now. Maybe they think you don't have much in common anymore? They probably find it easier connecting with other new parents. They will probably have met a lot of parents so will be socialising with them. Distant friends from years ago probably won't be on their mind.

Op I get this as I’ve seen both sides. Used to feel as you do - dropped by numerous friends after starting families. Felt really bereft at times.

Then I eventually had a baby myself and it felt like my life went into free fall. I was exhausted, couldn’t leave my baby at all for months as baby was bf and very high need, none I felt my old clothes fitted and I wasn’t sure old friends who worked would want to waste precious weekend time hanging out with a baby.

If you really want to keep friendships with people after they’ve had kids my honest advice would be to tell them you are looking forward to meeting the baby, happy to come to where they live/hang out at their house, call them (ask them when baby is likely to be napping and suggest a call then). Send a present for new mum and baby, take an interest in the baby and get to know them. Make it clear you will work round their childcare while baby is small. Really wish I had done this with some of my friends (I was one of the last to have kids in our group).

Friend I haven't heard from in a while suddenly contacts me, seemingly to catch up

But this reads like you lost them as close friends well before they fell pregnant.

Don’t be offended. The friend is now busy as fuck with very limited conversation (been there). It’s unlikely to be a reflection on you. Just on spare time and focus of new parents. She’ll be back when it calms down so hang in there with occasional messages etc.

@PersonaNonGarter

Don’t be offended. The friend is now busy as fuck with very limited conversation (been there). It’s unlikely to be a reflection on you. Just on spare time and focus of new parents. She’ll be back when it calms down so hang in there with occasional messages etc.

Yes, this. I have a 5 month old and barely have time for my DH and DM, let alone anyone else. Just hang on and don't take it personally.

@PersonaNonGarter

Don’t be offended. The friend is now busy as fuck with very limited conversation (been there). It’s unlikely to be a reflection on you. Just on spare time and focus of new parents. She’ll be back when it calms down so hang in there with occasional messages etc.

This.

it's just that your lives are now on different paths.

I don't recognise this. I have a mixed group of friends some with kids some without, but none of them have fundamentally changed their whole way of life. We still have shared values, political beliefs, still enjoy a night out when we've got the time, we're all rubbing along in long term relationships and meeting ourselves coming backwards trying to juggle work and life's other commitments. If anything the little humans in the group have brought us closer together, they're doted on by all of us.

In my experience (as a childless person), people with new babies get quite preoccupied and are often knackered. It may be that they’re meaning to get in touch but time slips by. I’d say keep things up from your end as best you can, accepting that it might feel slightly one way at times. Lives change but friendships don’t have to die out.

I'm probably a bit guilty of this. I'm constantly exhausted and spend all my time at work or focussed on wrangling two little people to eat, sleep, get dressed, do wee-wees and not make too much chaos. My conversational skills are pretty non-existant at the moment and I have no time or energy. I hope my friends without children are understanding and will be happy to pick things up again in a few years!

So, a new mother does not have the time or energy to foster a somewhat distant or peripheral friendship. What are finding difficult to understand about that?

I lost precisely none of my close friends, parents or child-free, to motherhood. I made time and put energy into those friends. Quite a few more distant friendships faded away, and now some have revived as the dc got older.

Yeah, these were not close friendships, that's true. But we did make an effort to stay in touch, even if just via messaging. I can see how it would be challenging to hang out during a pregnancy or the first year or so and I sympathise.
But with my last two friends it signalled the end of the friendship. I don't hear from them at all anymore and if I notice that in a year's time I am the only one who has initiated contact, I stop bothering as well.

When I had my first baby, I went into freefall. my mind and body felt like a war zone. Then when I had recovered a bit we had the relentless hard work of very young children. It can be impossible to do anything outside the zone of intensity parenting brings. Not complaining btw but it hit me much harder than I could have imagined so that’s probably the reason behind the friends fading out. Give them a bit of leeway if you can.

Sounds like they weren't overly close friends to begin with and then because of the stress of a new baby they've cut back who they keep in contact with. Also sounds like the random out of the blue contact was just to tell you they were pregnant.

Some women suffer PND after they give birth too which is a possibility. I was really close woth a friend, literally there the night she concieved 🤣🤣 sat next to each other st work so saw each other all week too. Had the baby and went practically no contact. O assumed she was too busy for me but when she came back to work i found out she'd had terrible PND

Most women I know have the opposite experience. They are dropped or forgotten about by others who don’t have kids.

This has happened to me many many times OP.

The reason it happens is because they have more important things to do in their minds and you rank at the bottom of that priority list.

It's a hard pill to swallow but it's the truth.

So you either have to deal with that or make new friends.

I don't bother with most of my child friends I can no longer be arsed.

As a new mother, I felt I had no time to do anything or go anywhere that was not totally ruled by my baby. I also felt I had nothing of interest to say to anyone that wasn't baby related because trying to keep baby alive and healthy took up so much time. I really didn't want to do what others had done to me, and bore the pants off non parents by talking a lot about my baby but then didn't have anything else to contribute to the conversation. And then there was the fact I didn't have a decent night's sleep for about 9 months and for several months I literally couldn't finish a sentence I was so tired.

Op - I'd wait things out. Your friends will probably emerge at some point desperate to spend time with you. They probably want to now, but just have no capacity to make this happen.

I’ve been on both sides of this.

I was 40 when I had ds so I sympathise. I was excluded from a lot and I found friendships very depressing as they all involved me tagging on family day outs.

I found this from the other side...I got dropped by friends without children..

It’s just so difficult because your life changes so much. I was one of the last of my friends to have a baby so understand the difficulties both ways. I just did completely different things with my friends that had babies before I did, do they think you are willing to do this? Also would say , you say you understand for the first year but I actually found it harder to make time for people when I went back to work. I had such little time with my child that I did prioritise my free time with them. I had literally so time for myself at all. I remember people asking what I was watching on tv and thinking , I hadn’t had the time or energy to even do that for months!

When you have a baby it becomes the sole and consuming focus of new parents. Once you sort out the babies needs then, assuming you have no other children, you get to look after yourself, if you get to look after yourself and the baby hasn't generated new needs then you might remember you have a dp, assuming you get through levels 1,2,3 successfully then you might phone your Mum...at this point you are winning. Getting to anything beyond that to maintain close family and friendship relationships is another level.

If on any one day you manage to ride a convenient wave of all the necessary things to do to get to some person you phone once in a while then you are a next level parent who probably has lucked out with an easy baby.

It's just one of those things. Eventually the babies needs reduce to a point that you can look up a survey the damage.

@Lemonlemon88

I found this from the other side...I got dropped by friends without children..

It totally depends when you have your children in relation to your friends.

If you have your first baby at 25 and your friendship group don’t start until mid thirties then you are left out.

If you don’t have your first until you are 40 and everyone else started around 32/33 the same also happens.

Because they're too knackered to put the effort in.

After my first was born, I found I had much less time for doing things that I enjoyed for myself. Socialising with friends is one of those things. So I had to sort of prune things a bit. If I only had a few hours a week for socialising now rather than all week, I prioritised catching up with people who made me feel good and whose company I enjoyed. This meant that some friendships drifted! But there just wasn't time to maintain the same number of relationships.

I think there are two sides to this.
New parents are often exhausted and although they might want to do something or even make plans one bad night and you feel like rubbish.
A lot of the time your so exhausted that your brain doesn't function once they are asleep anything but a quick tidy and veg out!

I have also been dropped by friends when I had my son because they didn't get that I couldn't just drop everything and go to a concert when he was little. Or they commented that everything had to revolve around my convenience - not really but I'm never going to be free when it's bath and bedtime!
You have a lot more considerations, your child your partner and if you have any energy. That's difficult for some people to understand and just say it's one weekend etc. We'll if you have a screaming baby who doesn't sleep it's pretty cruel just to leave your partner with them for a jolly!