All those who have difficulty expressing irritation/anger, please share solutions here

[Earlybird]

Having grown up with a depressed/furious Mum, as an adult I have an almost complete inability to express irritation/anger in an appropriate and healthy way. I either ignore/deny it, stuff it down someplace deep inside, distract myself until I've calmed down, clam up/give the silent treatment, (without thinking) go into passive aggressive mode, say something that induces guilt in the other person but doesn't clear the air (ie 'it hurt my feelings when you....' instead of 'it made me angry when you....') etc.

I realise that it isn't healthy, and often casts me in the victim's role, which is not where I want to be. I also have a near complete inability to tolerate it when someone is angry with me. I absolutely panic, and will do most anything to 'make things right' whether or not the problem is 'my fault'.

Who here can relate, and have you been able to address the problem in an effective way?

hhhmmmm...yes... it took my dh having an affaire to teach me how to express anger.

You need to start with yourself. If you can get to a counsellor it might be even better. You need to learn to first like and love yourself. Then you can believe that you deserve to be treated well and with consideration. Once you can do that you might find it easier to deal with feelings of anger, because you will be able to acknowledge that you have the right to get angry like anyone else.

But saying that... I don't think it is always neccessary to express anger. Anger is an indication that something is not right. And I always feel if you can fix it before you need to get angry it is always better.

does all this make sense? I don't think it is the sort of thing that can be resolved with pat answers.

Err, did I write this post?!

I do exactly the same. And the bit about being unable to tolerate people being angry, it panics me too. I literally get feelings of dread if someone acts funny towards me, and assume it's my fault.

I too have a depressed/furious/unpredictable mother. I don't want to use that as an excuse but it no doubt has an affect. The adult thing to do it to accept your childhood development and try and take responsibility for your own actions, which is exactly what you are doing.

I will be watching this thread for other people's advice.

I'm aware that the issue exists and that it is a problem, but I don't know how to address it. It's simply not in my emotional vocabulary. From childhood, I was not allowed to express my anger because it was disrespectful of my elders/rude/pick your adjective. Any display of anger on my part was punished swiftly and harshly.

I have a physical reaction to the thought of expressing my anger - heart races, ears burn, etc. I will tolerate a great deal (that I should not) in order to avoid conflict. I literally don't know how to do it in a way that is fair and proportionate. The moment someone begins to argue back/defend themselves, I cave in and assume that they're right/I'm wrong. It's easier to contain the anger than endure the upset of expressing it - possibly because I think of anger as a negative/destructive emotion. I think of my anger specifically as wrong, even though logically I know that is not true.