What do you do when your child is been bullied?

[BethAndHerBrood]

I am nearly in tears here. It has come out tonight that DS1,9, is been bullied at school. The incident that sparked the whole thing off was at football (not school related) but led DS1 to telling me all about what has been going on. I am going into school in the morning to see his teacher about it.

So, what do I say? What can I demand? And, HTF do I stop myself from ripping the little sh*t limb from limb if I see him?

Any advice gratefully received, Thanks.

Beth, go look in the education threads - I've read several recently that are awful, when you read what happens to dc's, but then very inspiring when you read what their mums do to stick up for them!

Ask for a copy of the school's anti-bullying policy for a start. Has DS1 indicated whether he has brought the bullying to the attention of any of the staff? If so, what have they done about it. If not, he must be encouraged to tell, tell, tell. I know it's not cool, but the only way bullies flourish is because their victims remain quiet about it.

Good luck. I know first-hand how you feel and I too felt violent tendencies that I didn't know I had.

Ask to see the Head as well. Make a lot of fuss if you think they're not taking it seriously.

Ask for a copy of their anti-bullying policy. Ask what they will do about the bullies/ to prevent further bullying.

Some head teachers act about bullying, some don't.

Keep your cool when you see the kid in question - not easy, I can remember feeling exactly the same!

Agree with obtaining a copy of the Anti Bullying Policy, it states clearly the schools obligations to the child who is bullied. You will need a copy of this to make sure that the school does indeed act.
We were very, very lucky in the fact that the middle school we sent ds to, had a very pro active anti bullying stance. They solved the problem without making it worse but, apparently this is quite rare (shockingly).
Look at the policy, note what it says that the school WILL do and ask them to do it. Calmly and clearly is best.

DS1 hasn't been telling anyone about it at all. I genuinely had no idea it was going on. I know he doesn't have a load of friends, but he's always been like that, and it has never bothered him before. But tonight he was sobbing his little heart out about not having any friends. He is going on a residential trip next week with school, and was upset that no one wanted to share a dorm with him.

It rips my heart right out of my chest. I don't know how to best help him.

First thing in the morning is not a good time to see the teacher about something as serious as this.
I would write her a note outlining your son's distress and that you would like to see her after school. This will give her a chance to ask colleagues if they have been aware of any incidents recently.
Try not to go in guns a-blazing. You don't know yet whether they may have been as unaware as you. Of course if he has been reporting the bullying then you have my permission to blaze away
Good luck

Have a look at the Kidscape website. They have sample anti-bullying policy here. Print off a copy and then compare the school's policy to that. Kidscape's complies with Government guidelines.

If DS1 has been keeping it to himself, then allow the school to deal with it at first. After all, they may be really effective once they know it is happening. But keep a close eye on it and persuade DS1 to talk to you about anything that happens. Don't let the school get the bully and victim together, as some schools do. It merely gives the bully the opportunity to intimidate further.

Above all, let DS1 know that you believe him and will fight for him, if he wants you to. I suspect that the fact he has told you means that he wants your help.

I went to see the teacher this morning. I told her we had just found out about this boy bullying DS1 and had she noticed anything? No, she hadn't, she'd split them up a couple of weeks ago because they were being "giddy" together. She is going to separate them a bit further, and keep an eye on them. She told DS1 that he must tell someone if this boy hurts him again, but it doesn't need to be in front of the whole class, it can be in secret, which I think DS1 was glad about.

I asked for a copy of the Anti Bullying Policy, am picking it up at home time.

Thanks to you all for your replies, it really helped!

Could your DS do self defence (kick boxing/karate type stuff)?

Not to attack - but to defend himself should he ever need it.

Funnily enough, there is going to be a short course of judo at school in the near future. I thought both the elder DC could do it, and if they like it, find them a proper class. Someone at DH's work had suggested it also.

Youve already done the first thing, is see the school.

Ask to see the schools bullying policy

If you get no joy from the teacher (agree a timescale for action to clarify things) make an appointment with the head. Agree a timescale for action with the head.

It can often be worth considering something to build a child's confidence after this sort of thing. Some schools run assertiveness training for children who have been bullied. It might be an idea to ask the school if they do/ can access it for your dd if this problem continues