How do you handle snidey digs towards you?

[Dizzybrunette445]

Hi everyone, I have a friend who (I don't know if she genuinely means to, but let's say her mouth is faster than her brain..)
Anyway, I feel like she makes these little digs at me, and I never react as I cannot be arsed with the agro of 'oh you've taken it the wrong way ' Or the you're too sensitive name tag..And make myself look like she's digging at me and causing an issue.. I will give you some examples..
We have this coffee machine that my partner knows how to use, I don't drink coffee, so I have never bothered to learn how to use it., It's an espresso machine and its a massive faff .Anyway, shes come over a couple times with her sister and he was out making us all a tea and coffee and she made a comment of 'Come in here Steve, and chat you're always out there making a coffee for everyone' Um are you implying I'm a bad host lol? Or am I reading this wrong.. you're in my house just sit and be quiet .. 🙄

Anyway, I just wanted to know do you call people out on their digs or do you ignore them ? As you'll always get the obvious defense of 'i didn't mean it like that' and I'm afraid of looking like I'm sensitive.

Thanks guys ..

I have a friend like this. I don't think it's malicious to be honest, but I do think it comes from a place of insecurity. I've taken to telling her outright when she's being a dick now, it seems to work

You are being a bit sensitive

'Come in here Steve, and chat you're always out there making a coffee for everyone' Um are you implying I'm a bad host lol? Or am I reading this wrong.. you're in my house just sit and be quiet .. 🙄
I think you're over thinking that one?

I'd give her shitty instant next time! What other things does she say?

In that one example i think you are being oversensitive.

My mum is a carer and doesn't work a typical job shall we say, she cares for my sister who has severe disabilities and needs 24/7 care.. 365 days a year. No holidays etc..we were talking about carers and I said my mum loves being a carer she's been a carer for 25 years. She said , she's not a carer, she's a mum that's what mum's do. Yes I see your point but it's very different I think unless other people think other wise !

Your friend doesn't sound very nice. I'm sure she prides herself as someone who 'tells it as it is'.

With kindness OP i do think you are being a little over sensitive. I don't think she means ill, nor do i think she means any malice.

If she is generally a good friend to you and , supportive / reliable when you need her etc , i would let this go. Maybe she says things, that you personally may be internally sensitive to.

The coffee machine thing, they are a faff but great for visitors. Maybe learn how to use it yourself and then when yr friends come , you can make them their coffees and not yr DP.

Your mum sounds like an amazing lady. I hope she ,you and your sister are availing of all and any support. Her comment re this was less insensitive and to me , shows a little immaturity actually. I still do not think she meant ill, i just think she has a certain view of mums. She likely has had no experience of caring for a family member , within her own family and , is therefore somewhat naively ignorant to what that really means. I do not think she is making " digs" at you. I would not disrupt ( an otherwise beneficial friendship ?) over the this.

I think you're being a sensitive Sally! That example of a 'dig' doesn't sound like a dig to me.

Coffee machine, maybe you are being too sensitive, the carer one is out of order. It's always difficult when you don't expect it, isn't it. I've just had someone say my birthday cake wouldn't last in my house. As myself and DH are both a bit fat quite round, I thought it was out of order, but was completely blindsided, and said, "yes, that's right". So I think I'm saying I know how you feel. If I had time to prepare, I might say something like, "I think my Mum goes well above and beyond that. It's a 24hr job", all said without anger. I think the problem is most people I know who do this do it out of the blue, on different subjects I have not pre-prepared a response to

You're over thinking it.

She's right about your mum tho? Saying she's a carer and loves it does imply it's her paid job outside of the home...

Plenty of people describe themselves as carers for family members. Doesn't necessarily imply outside of the home. Hence 'carers allowance' and carers support groups.

"@MonicaGellerBing She's right about your mum tho? Saying she's a carer and loves it does imply it's her paid job outside of the home..."

Op's friend did not say that. It is clear in OP's post. OP said " she loves it" about her own mum , in her own post, regarding the care the OP's mum provides to her sister. You have attributed that comment to OP's friend and that is incorrect.

OP's friend did , insensitively , say "she's not a carer, she's a mum that's what mum's do". Op's friend has shown ignorance and immaturity agreed by this comment but, not ever said what you have posted.

If you are going to reply, at least have your facts right. That ultimately determines the advice you give . Incorrect advice is no advice to an OP.

The coffee thing in particular seems like a massive overreaction. If anything, I would think both remarks you've given as examples suggest your 'friend' is a bit thick, with some entrenched ideas about gender -- eg it's strange and unusual to see men making visitors cups of tea, and that mothers are by definition so selfless they will devote themselves to 24/7 care for their seriously disabled children without the need to think of it in terms of an allowance, respite care, the title of 'carer' etc.

@Dizzybrunette445

My mum is a carer and doesn't work a typical job shall we say, she cares for my sister who has severe disabilities and needs 24/7 care.. 365 days a year. No holidays etc..we were talking about carers and I said my mum loves being a carer she's been a carer for 25 years. She said , she's not a carer, she's a mum that's what mum's do. Yes I see your point but it's very different I think unless other people think other wise !

Your 'friend' sounds dim witted as well as snide.

I’d just totally ignore any snide comments. No reaction whatsoever. Pretend you haven’t even heard or registered and just change the subject.

The coffee example really is a non-event though, but the carer one is rude. Just ignore and see her less/not at all if it continues.

It seems like you’re over-sensitive and she’s rude, so it’s not exactly a match made in heaven lol.

If you’re otherwise good friends just learn to rise above it or tell her she’s being rude then change the subject. Don’t engage with her jibes.