To begin with, I don't think IABU to be livid but just want to gauge what others would do in this situation.
I have put friend in inverted comma's as over the last few years, I've been questioning whether she is or not. For the sake of clarity, let’s just call her Jane.
Brief background: DD is 14 and has a host of emotional and mental health issues. I have sought all kinds of help and support, but we still haven't found any positive resolution. In short, she is a very challenging child and hormones just add to the difficulties. Her father and I separated when I was pregnant and he doesn't feature much in her life but when he does, it's just to slag me off. However, I have since married a fantastic guy and DD simply adores him as do I.
Just before Easter, DD met up with a mixed group of friends of the same age, all of whom got drunk and performed a sexual act. I didn't find out until the next day because DD had told another friend, who told their parent, who told a friend of mine and at this point I questioned DD as to why my friend was coming over to talk to me about something that had happened involving her the day before.
DD began to panic...I could practically see her heart pumping through her chest but she said she had no idea what was going on. It was half an hour before aforementioned friend arrived with what she'd heard and DD denied it all. She said that she'd fabricated the story to her other friends so she would "fit in". However, later on that day I went through her phone and found damning evidence to the contrary. When confronted with what I'd found, DD was indifferent and not remorseful in the slightest.
Yet the next day, she took an overdose of painkillers and had self-harmed using scissors up her forearm. I took her to a&e where she was assessed by CAMHS (she's already under them) and also Social Services.
This was a very difficult and upsetting time for us all and I confided in Jane, who by the way is an educator for troubled teens and a grandmother. I told her absolutely everything from the drinking to the sexual recklessness and all the involvement by the authorities because of it. I was completely open with what had happened and how it was making me feel.
Since this incident, DD and I have been working on our relationship. There have been some minor bumps but for the main part we've been ticking along fine.
Fast forward to yesterday evening. Jane is having a small birthday celebration at her house. DD, DH and I go along for a couple of hours. Jane and another person tell me that DD has been asking them for cigarettes to which they said no (I also found out before Easter that DD had a vape which I confiscated). So already I was annoyed at DD and gave her "the look" as if to say, "I know what you're doing and I'm not happy." About 30 minutes passes, and DD asks me to take her home because she is tired. On the way home, she tells me that she feels sick because Jane had given her a couple of drinks in the kitchen while I was in the garden. The irony is, I was very much aware that DD was in the house but knew she was in there with an adult and not for one minute did it occur to me that they would offer her alcohol! And especially someone who knows her history! I’d even sent DH into the house to check on her.
I've spoken with my DD and she knows how furious I am that she has broken my trust once more and so soon after the previous drunken incident. I've told her that if she crosses the line again, she will live with her father, an idea which doesn’t appeal to her at all.
I've not yet spoken with Jane. I will but I'm so angry that I know I'll end up screaming at her. So I know I need to calm down first but I don't know if I should go to her house, or call? When it comes down to it, I actually couldn't care less if she and I never spoke again. I feel like she's trying to sabotage the efforts I am trying to make to support my daughter and navigate her through this teenage hell hole....as well as come through it myself in one piece.
She has displayed some jealousy towards me and yet I don't understand why. For example: For my birthday, I was gifted a small piece of jewellery from a mutual friend of ours which belonged to her late mother. Neither Jane nor I knew our friend's mother but it was a very kind gesture and I gratefully accepted it after checking a thousand times if she was absolutely certain about gifting it to me. Jane knows I received the present and since then, continues to raise the subject with our mutual friend after a few drinks about why I was the recipient of such a gift and not her. This is just one example of why I use the term "friend" loosely.
I also don't really know how to manage what I'm feeling about DD. She's completely disrespectful and rude for asking other adults for cigarettes and as far as I'm concerned, she knows better to have accepted the alcohol even though it was offered by another adult. I feel completely embarrassed and betrayed by her behaviour once again. I could quite happily ignore her all day today, because I feel if I open my mouth, I'll end up screaming at her. But ignoring her would be childish, right?