My "friend" gave my underage teen alcohol..AIBU to be livid?

[Timegentlemenplease]

To begin with, I don't think IABU to be livid but just want to gauge what others would do in this situation.
I have put friend in inverted comma's as over the last few years, I've been questioning whether she is or not. For the sake of clarity, let’s just call her Jane.

Brief background: DD is 14 and has a host of emotional and mental health issues. I have sought all kinds of help and support, but we still haven't found any positive resolution. In short, she is a very challenging child and hormones just add to the difficulties. Her father and I separated when I was pregnant and he doesn't feature much in her life but when he does, it's just to slag me off. However, I have since married a fantastic guy and DD simply adores him as do I.

Just before Easter, DD met up with a mixed group of friends of the same age, all of whom got drunk and performed a sexual act. I didn't find out until the next day because DD had told another friend, who told their parent, who told a friend of mine and at this point I questioned DD as to why my friend was coming over to talk to me about something that had happened involving her the day before.

DD began to panic...I could practically see her heart pumping through her chest but she said she had no idea what was going on. It was half an hour before aforementioned friend arrived with what she'd heard and DD denied it all. She said that she'd fabricated the story to her other friends so she would "fit in". However, later on that day I went through her phone and found damning evidence to the contrary. When confronted with what I'd found, DD was indifferent and not remorseful in the slightest.

Yet the next day, she took an overdose of painkillers and had self-harmed using scissors up her forearm. I took her to a&e where she was assessed by CAMHS (she's already under them) and also Social Services.

This was a very difficult and upsetting time for us all and I confided in Jane, who by the way is an educator for troubled teens and a grandmother. I told her absolutely everything from the drinking to the sexual recklessness and all the involvement by the authorities because of it. I was completely open with what had happened and how it was making me feel.

Since this incident, DD and I have been working on our relationship. There have been some minor bumps but for the main part we've been ticking along fine.

Fast forward to yesterday evening. Jane is having a small birthday celebration at her house. DD, DH and I go along for a couple of hours. Jane and another person tell me that DD has been asking them for cigarettes to which they said no (I also found out before Easter that DD had a vape which I confiscated). So already I was annoyed at DD and gave her "the look" as if to say, "I know what you're doing and I'm not happy." About 30 minutes passes, and DD asks me to take her home because she is tired. On the way home, she tells me that she feels sick because Jane had given her a couple of drinks in the kitchen while I was in the garden. The irony is, I was very much aware that DD was in the house but knew she was in there with an adult and not for one minute did it occur to me that they would offer her alcohol! And especially someone who knows her history! I’d even sent DH into the house to check on her.

I've spoken with my DD and she knows how furious I am that she has broken my trust once more and so soon after the previous drunken incident. I've told her that if she crosses the line again, she will live with her father, an idea which doesn’t appeal to her at all.

I've not yet spoken with Jane. I will but I'm so angry that I know I'll end up screaming at her. So I know I need to calm down first but I don't know if I should go to her house, or call? When it comes down to it, I actually couldn't care less if she and I never spoke again. I feel like she's trying to sabotage the efforts I am trying to make to support my daughter and navigate her through this teenage hell hole....as well as come through it myself in one piece.

She has displayed some jealousy towards me and yet I don't understand why. For example: For my birthday, I was gifted a small piece of jewellery from a mutual friend of ours which belonged to her late mother. Neither Jane nor I knew our friend's mother but it was a very kind gesture and I gratefully accepted it after checking a thousand times if she was absolutely certain about gifting it to me. Jane knows I received the present and since then, continues to raise the subject with our mutual friend after a few drinks about why I was the recipient of such a gift and not her. This is just one example of why I use the term "friend" loosely.

I also don't really know how to manage what I'm feeling about DD. She's completely disrespectful and rude for asking other adults for cigarettes and as far as I'm concerned, she knows better to have accepted the alcohol even though it was offered by another adult. I feel completely embarrassed and betrayed by her behaviour once again. I could quite happily ignore her all day today, because I feel if I open my mouth, I'll end up screaming at her. But ignoring her would be childish, right?

Look, so much anger of your situation is being directed at your friend.
It's better she has two drinks in a controlled and monitored environment surrounded by adults, when she's going to inevitably be drinking anyway! You're over reacting due to other issues.
If you want to burn your bridges then that's absolutely your decision - but you are absolutely over doing this.

@SheepyLamb2 I didn't expect her to be remorseful for the act itself. It was the circumstances surrounding it that lead to the sexual act which is what was so disappointing. She got so drunk that she couldn't remember doing what she did and it was another friend who told her what she'd actually done. THAT is what disappointed me and I took the stance that she put herself in such a vulnerable position where she could have been abused. She has enough problems already without adding to them. To me, this is horrifying.

I'm not so naive to think that 14 year olds don't experiment or have an interest in sex and sexuality.

Did you really need to react to the drunken sex act incident? You could have never mentioned it. Most of these things done by teens don't get discovered by parents and that's OK. From what you have written you clearly didn't react well.

It sounds like you have really tried to get help for your dd and I'm sorry it isn't working yet.

Having undivided attention isn't always a good thing. Sometimes being left to your own devices and work stuff out yourself is better.

@TheLeadbetterLife no actually, it's not. I think that had I been a position to have siblings for her then maybe things would be different. Don't know how, but will never know.

I was just pointing out that I'm not distracted by having other children and meeting their needs. No offence meant.

she put herself in such a vulnerable position where she could have been abused.

And the only person to blame for that would be the abuser, not your dd.

To you it is horrifying, to her it was probably an escape!

Sorry I didn’t mean in the sense of should you have had more children! I meant, should you both be giving your daughter so much attention?

@wildeverose that's the thing. Since the incident at Easter, I have allowed her to have spritzers and such like in an adult controlled environment. However, Jane gave her drinks in the kitchen separate from the rest of the party in the garden. I feel that if they BOTH felt it was ok, why didn't they come and join the rest of the party?

@HercwasanEnemyofEducation you're exactly right. 100% agree with you. But the world we live in is all so unforgiving and I just want her to weigh up decisions sensibly before acting on them.

I know that my daughter has her own mind. She's very strong willed and I encourage that but I also want her to be as sensible as she can be. I'm by no means directing all my anger at Jane. To be fair, after having written this post, my anger has diminished and I just feel let down and disappointed.
I feel "unsupported" by Jane particularly because she knows the hell that DD and I have been going through these past few years. And because of other incidents by Jane, I can't help feel that this is some kind of sabotage.

I can't believe you talked to her about the sex act, she must have been mortified. Your disappointment in her is clear and I don't think it's helping. Do you need to know everything she does? Does she get any privacy? I'm asking because from what you've written so far it would seem not.

As far as Jane goes, you obviously don't like her so just distance yourself, problem solved.

@Strugglingtodomybest well the sex act had already spread like wildfire. I found out through a friend of a friends child. DD had announced it herself to acquaintances on social media. My conversation with her was not about the act itself but the conditions in which it took place where she left herself vulnerable.

I have always been open with DD about sex/emotions/feelings etc. I've always let her know that she can ask me anything and I'll be honest with her. That doesn't mean I expect her to as I know full well that kids talk amongst themselves. I just let her know that I could give her a healthy perspective on it if she wants one.

So my concern, once more is NOT the act itself but the conditions surrounding it.

Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I'd like to think that when you engage in a sexual act, you'd like to remember it.

I don't need to know everything she does and I'm pretty sure I don't but when it comes to endangering oneself or others, how can one be at peace with ignorance?

She gets plenty of privacy. She has her own room. I knock before entering. I don't snoop through her stuff and anything I do know about what she gets up to is generally from her own mouth...other than the sex act which about 20 people knew before me I did.

@Bluntness100 I may as well not have even been there for not even knowing that she was drinking!

@LivingLaVidaCovid I wouldn't say I'm overbearing and harsh at all. I give her a lot of freedom. To be fair, because of the amount of support we try to give her due to her mental health, I need a break from time to time so she does stay with her friends for a night or 2. It's important for both of us to have our own space for sure. And when she is at home, she likes to spend time with me. I have to encourage her to partake in other activities or visit friends. She has a key to the house, she knows the house alarm code, she has a bus pass and her own bank account and debit card. She even has a little job on a Saturday. She dyes her hair funky colours and she has ear piercings. Pandemic rules depending, I have agreed that she can spend time abroad with my sister-in-law during the summer...without me or DH.

I agree with @cauliflowersqueeze too.

@TheLeadbetterLife I did probably shoot myself in the foot by overcompensating for her absent father in her younger years. But the attention she gets now is different because 1) she's older and 2) she's got MH issues.

Was it a tiny splash of booze in the drinks or true alcoholic drinks?

I would want to understand why Jane gave her the drinks, just how alcoholic were they, but especially in secretive way, and then why did your DD just tell you about it -- did the DD want you to fall out with Jane.

I feel completely embarrassed and betrayed by (DD's) behaviour once again.

That reads like you have unrealistic expectations; teenagers do stupid things. Nothing bad happened this time other than her thrill-seeking & risk-seeking. It's not abnormal. You need to ration yourself on things to be upset about.

Have you got unresolved issues from your childhood/ teenage years? You're putting an awful lot of unrealistic expectations on your daughter, and actually setting her up for a lifetime of poor mental health.

I hope the course is helpful for you, but I'd also be looking into therapy for yourself.

@Orf1abc haven't we all?! Yes I've had therapy for myself a handful of times. Some useful, some not.
What would be helpful to know is what are the unrealistic expectations I have for my DD. And how am I setting her up to have lifelong mental health issues. Genuine question.

@lljkk enough to make her feel queasy.
The embarrassment was her asking adults for cigarettes. If it had been the first time I'd have probably shrugged it off and told her not to ask, but she was suspended from school for smoking recently and that's where the betrayal lies for me. I did not punish her for being suspended, I actually tried to get the suspension duration reduced because I felt it was too long for the wrong-doing. And I spoke on a level with her about the health complications smoking causes. And she's very particular about having white teeth which will be shot to sh*t if she takes up the habit. She has her vape back with conditions that she doesn't smoke it in the school or in the house. I'm sorry if people disagree with that but I can't sit and watch my child smoking in front of me.

You say you found evidence on her phone.

Does this mean someone took photos or recorded the sex act?

If she was that drunk, she was totally unable to consent to whatever happens and has actually been assaulted.

@Foxhasbigsocks it's the risky behaviour. I've ways had open dialogue with her about sex and the precautions that should be taken. About the emotional maturity that should be in place beforehand. All the consequences of being reckless but that sometimes you can get away with it but sometimes not. Obviously this is all in a perfect world which we do not live in.
Haven't spoken to Jane yet. Will be popping over later to chat. DH said that she did make contact while I was out earlier to explain.
I'm not mad anymore. But I will be asking her not to give DD anymore alcohol without mine or DH's permission and leave it at that. It's one thing kids serving kids but another when adults are serving someone else's kid.

@FuckMyLife2021 - the evidence was voice messages sent between DD and a friend who was also involved. DD clearly tells her friend that she'd consented to the sex act before she was drunk. She willingly partook and used alcohol for Dutch courage. Otherwise I'd have been of the same opinion as you.

my bad not reading carefully... not sure how spritzers are so different from whatever Jane provided.

fwiw, I wouldn't supply either to my 14yo. Just am thinking this is not a black & white picture

@lljkk no worries, it's a long post! I suppose it's not so much the content of the drink but the amount of the alcohol. The spritzers were made up by myself and DH so we ensured a small amount of wine topped up by lots of soda and ice. Made it pretty with some fruit.
I couldn't tell you exactly how much gin Jane gave DD. And therein lies my upset. But it must have been a bit for DD to feel queasy.

I don't blame you for not supplying your 14 y/o. I wouldn't be doing so either if she hadn't gotten so drunk a few weeks back. Plus it appears to be so rife at school so I'm trying to teach her to be responsible with it. That's all I can do.

*quite a bit

Op, I mean this gently but sometimes if you hold the reigns too tightly it causes your child to push back in dangerous ways.

The issue with the alcohol your friend gave her is not a big deal. No it’s not ideal , but you were there, no harm was done. She was safe. She just felt a bit queasy.

I’d advise you to pick your battles. Otherwise you will loose the war. A d right now you are loosing it. If you try to control something or stop it She does it. The more she does it. The more you try to control it. So she does it even more. You’re loosing and it’s going to get worse as she gets older.

Pick your battles. This is not one.

Did I read right that you've given her a vape? I'd be more furious about that than drinking/sex acts.

She could get addicted to that for life quite easily, especially if she is already smoking cigarettes. That would be the battle I would fight!

@HercwasanEnemyofEducation there is a method to my madness although if it works is yet to be seen.
I've allowed her to keep the vape but she's not allowed to use it at home, at school or in other people's homes. The fact that she hardly goes out means that her options to vape are very limited. Additionally, as @Bluntness100 says, the more I try to control it, the more she will do it. It's possible that because it's not forbidden as such, she may well lose interest in it particularly as she is all about having sparkling white teeth.

Alcohol is not the problem, the responsibility around it is the problem and again, an adult serving my child without my permission is the upset.
The sex act is not the problem either but the circumstances within which it happened although I would have preferred she waited a little longer but it is what it is.