Am I Wrong?

[zaphod]

My mother is very ill and awaiting an operation. She is in chronic pain, and should not really be at home, but cannot be admitted to a nursing home until Monday. My sister who lives outside this country has been visiting for the past week, but my Mums condition has worsened and she cannot be left alone, so my sister has had to extend her stay until Mum can go into the home.

My brother and I both work and have families though his have grown. I have 5, one is 2 and the other 1, and the rest in school. I have spent quite a lot of time with Mum and my sister, trying to sort out the various problems, and spent most of yesterday there, with the small kids. Today after work, I collected my sister and brought her here to my house so she could have a break. The round trip takes an hour.

When we got in, I made dinner and supervised homework, took one child to Cubs, and then left my sister back to my Mum's. Came home and put everyone to bed, and started tidying. The phone rings, and my sister asks what I am doing tomorrow, so I tell her I am not working, but need to go to Post Office, do some work at school, and other stuff at home (like laundry, and cleaning} She starts in on, 'Well, I have that kind of thing to do too'. When I asked what she meant she said I should be spending that time at my Mums, that she has a life too.

She has no kids, and is seperated from her husband and cannot work, as she is on disabilituy. I can't seem to make her understand how hard it is to get someone to mind the children during the day, cos my friends all work. Really, I never have a minute without all these trips to the hospital, and Mums house, and it is really hard to keep up.

Anyway, we had a big row over the phone.

Am I being unreasonable??

I can understand from your sister's POV, as she has had to help your mum quite a lot. But it is so hard to find a babysitter at such short moments. Can she not ask your brother to help out maybe? Sorry to hear about your mum, and it sounds like you and your sister are doing a brilliant job. ((hugs)) xxx

But she is only here now. She hasn't been here for the last two years as my Mum has worsened, and indeed was in hospitatl for weeks, and convalescing for weeks after that, when I had a small baby and was pregnant. Yet I never made her feel guilty that she was living unencumbered in another country while we were doing all the caring.

Nooooo! Obviously I don't know what was said between you but my brother-in-law is in the same boat with his mum being in hospital awaiting a home place and his sister. If whilst she's here she has no other responsibilities and assuming that when she goes home, the lion's share with regards to visiting your mum and taking care of all the other business that usually surrounds it will fall to you, then it's not unreasonable for her to do her share whilst she IS here. What about your brother though. If his children are older, even though he works, what imput is he giving. You can't do it all. I experienced this with my dad, who was one of 6, before and after my nan went into a home. Everyone else used the excuse that they worked while my mum was at home, so why could't she live with us? My mum was at home, but with four children. Nan did live with us for a long while before she went into a home, and then after she died, it was typical that the arguments started because everyone wanted part of my nan's estate (little of it though there was). I was little, but it was horrible and it split everyone up. Dad didn't "get" any more than the others, but there were some nast accusations that my dad was getting her pension money while she ws living with us, and so he shouldn't get anything. (He never touched her pension and never wanted anything). But brothers and sisters can be horrible even as adults. Don't feel bad. Love your mum, care as much for your mum as you are able. She wouldn't want you to run yourself into the ground surely? I'm sure she knows how much you do for her and how much you care, but at the end of the day you're only human. Maybe speak to your sister tomorrow at a time when you've not been dashing about so much and maybe were a bit NATURALLY stressed anyway. Good luck and I hope your mum is alright.

Oh gosh. Well first sorry about your mum. second thing is don't be angry at your sister too much, she's stressed at having to look after your ill mum, is away from home and it's not a good time for any of you. Thiurd... and most difficult.......... perhaps, just p[erhaps at this time, when your mum is in such pain, (please don't be angry with me) but perhaps housework and the post office could wait?????? The kids no, you have 5, you're very busy with them I know that, totally appreciate that, but maybe your sister has a teeny weeny point. She doesn't have kids so we can't expect her to understand, not many could know what it must be like to run around after 5 of them, but well, she may be being a bit unreasonale but she obviously can't / doesn't want to cope with the burden of your mum on her own. Look hon' I'm not saying you haven't helped and aren't helping or haven't got enough to do, but maybe some things could slip down the running order for a short while?
Sorry mate, and I do wish your mum well.

No - you're not being unreasonable, but it's a difficult time for all of you and it will be hard for her to understand just how hard it is to organise things and keep the house running and fit in all the other stuff, and to be honest, because it isn't her 'problem', she really won't be considering all those issues and how much greater they are for you than her.
I have these issues on a much smaller scale with my sister, and although she's very understanding, some things just don't occur to her. For example if she rings and asks me to take her shopping on Tuesday (her day off and therefore the only day good for her), it hasn't occured to her that I have XY&Z going on every Tuesday, or that I could perhaps give those things a miss in order to help her out. Whereas I'm thinking she could walk to Tesco's then get a taxi home etc. Probably not a good example, just trying to get across that she's not thinking in the same way you are, and things are stressful for both of you at the moment and her problems are relative to her, even though on the face of it you have much more on your plate. Don't know if that makes sense.
I would try to make it up with her though as now isn't a good time for you to be at loggerheads - maybe you could get some time to sit down together and work out a plan for how best to care for your Mother both for now and in the long term as it looks like most of the care will fall on your shoulders if she lives abroad.

Thanks Mummyloves, that makes me feel better. The most part of the care in the next few weeks post operation WILL be down to me, and my brother. Now that I have calmed a little, I think that my sister just feels bad about the whole business (my Mum being so ill) and is taking it out on the rest of us.

I'm glad you've calmed down and feel better already. I hope you don't think I was harsh with you, I didn't mean to be, I just wanted to get across that it's a rubbish time and you've all got your own stuff going on and please don't fall put with each other. During this difficult time before your mum has her op you'll need to all muck in and get through it as well as you can.

Essentials have to be done. The post office is to get the chid benefit, and pay electrictiy and phone bills.

And in 5 days my sister will be gone, and we will be left with my Mum as usual.

I hope I am not using this flare up to avoid the main issue, that my Mum IS so ill. Maybe we both are. I understand what you are saying Thomcat. Sure that's why I feel bad. I know that it is hard on her, but I am doing all I possibly can.

Zaphod, I do agree with Thomact that wahtever it takes, and no one is saying that it will work, but you musn't fall out with your sister, its not worth it in the long run. One of the brothers who refused to speak to my dad for at least 10 years is now totally reliant on him. They are SO close, but I could cry for those 10 years they lost. having said that YOU are also right. YOUR life musn't be allowed to fall into shambles and things like bills still have to be paid. You'r ejust gonna have to get your organisational skills honed! I can't sit in judgement, no one can because we don't know the full picture. But I think it's pretty obvious, unless your sister moves back, that, like you've said, you are going to be run ragis after she leaves. Of course you'll do it and probably with good grace cos she's your mum. But I think if I were your sister, I'd want to be with mum every second anyway, knowing I would have to leave. But as I say, that's just me. Your sister is probably fantastic and has done a lot for your mum while sh'e been here. Maybe she just needs a break after we all would after any period of time, even if it is only a relatively short time. How long has she been here looking after your mum?

5 days. Before that she was in hospital. She will be readmitted in less than two weeks, but will be in a nursing home for a week before that.

I know you're doing all you can, you sound like supermum. Perhaps becasue you are supermum your sister feels she needs you to hold her hand while she's looking after your mum and I agree that as she is only here for a while she should be giving you a break leaving you fresh to be with you mum when she's gone again, but take a deep breath and rememeber how stressed you all are. You're bound to snap at each other, your family, that's what families do but hug and make up after, you all need each other right now.

Your poor mum. it's such a tough time for you. For what it's worth I don't know the personality of your sister or what she was expecting of her visit to England or whether she only came because mum was ill. But even so, and maybe people will jump on me, if she's moaning after 5 days how much does she care for her mum. Like I said, not only do I not know your sister, I don't know what relationship they have etc etc. I only know how I would feel because I love my mum more than the sun coming up. And it's so easy for me because I know my mum knows how much I love her, so if I didn't see her for a couple of days because I had to get chores done, I know she'd understand. I wouldn't even feel guilty. Chin up girl, it will all seem different in the morning. Just make sure your mum knows how much you love her and don't feel totally responsible.

I fully intend to phone her, and put things right. I really just wondered, if I should feel as guilty as I do. I still intellectually think I am right, jsut feel wrong. IYKWIM. Thanks for your support everyone, I REALLY needed it tonight.

Maybe it's best not to even go to the who's right who's wrong. End of the day, you're doing all you can, it's a difficult time and you'll get through this. You have nothing to feel guilty over but I imagine all daughters would feel the same if their mum was ill. No matter what you do it'll never feel enough, how can we repay what our mothers have done for us throughout our lives, we can't

Thomcat..... exactly! Zaphod, I can't add to that except to add my hope that it all turns out alright, especially for your mum. .

Thanks again, will keep you posted. Goodnight.

Thinking of you and your mum. Yes do let us know how she gets on.