if you have had to build up your child's self-esteem how did you do it? What really works?

[crossma]

Help needed. Always thought I was building up confident children but school seems to be knocking children back further than I can pick up the pieces. So desperate, for real tips/advice, books only cover things that we already did and so much to read through I can't spend anymore money on books that don't help.

Bumping this as I'd like to know the answer too. My DS1, 12yo, lacks confidence and I don't really know how to help him.

Not a huge expert, myself, and my eldest is only 7, but I think that spending time one-to-one with the child makes a huge difference. That time has to be utterly dedicated to togetherness, and paying attention to them. It can be good to do something with them, something perhaps a little challenging or different, and stepping back to let them get on with it.

It can be extremely diffic ult to let a child bumble their way through a job, and you itch to say "Here, this is how" or "Let me..." but you have to stand back and be there for help only if they ask for it, and for a smile of reward when they succeed.

my dd went through a low patch when she moved up schools. We let her do individual activities - horse riding, drama, swimming,a craft course- that she enjoyed and had a sense of achievement from. The emphasis wasn't on group or team work, there was no pressure to be social .I suppose it all helped her develop a better sense of who she was and that feeling good about herself didn't rely on others. It was just about her, for her and tbh it seemed to work. I think self confidence comes from having self worth.I also tried to be relaxed about the whole thing and not project my own anxities in case it added to her worries.

Joining a drama group and doing a couple of shows turned my son from a mass of self doubt into, frankly, a cocky little bugger.

He now walks with a swagger

I think trying all of the suggestions already mentioned. I'm going to try make the the 1 to 1 suggestion a priority as it's slipped in recent years.

Sad to hear that school is knocking her down

As a teacher, a few of mine are:

*meaningful, genuine praise
general positive welcomes and enjoyment of who the child is
allowing failure - 'oh it didn't really work, hmm, never mind. what do you think you could do next time?' ( IMO this is a key to girl's self-esteem as I think often girls are too hard on themselves)

Could you do things together? (eg get making kits etc), some things you will be good at, some things she will be, and you can have an opportunity to enjoy the process together (and maybe the results!) and enjoy getting it wrong too.

Ditto on praise: make it specific, picking out attributes or aspects of what they have done, as opposed to just saying "You did well."

Let them overhear you telling dh/friend/relative about something good that they've done.