In laws always splitting up ds and dd - makes me feel so sad

[midden]

This is bugging me so much but so do lots of things about MIL and FIL so I wonder if I am being oversensitive?

When they arrive (usually weekly or every two weeks) at my house after we have eaten lunch or whatever FIL always wants to take ds (nearly 5) away somewhere like museum/castle etc and MIL stays home with dd (2) or at the most takes for a quick shot on the swings.

The reasons I feel upset;

1. they never see ds/dd together.
2. dd hardly spends time with her grandad vice versa for ds/gran.
3. I know dd is only little and does'nt know any better but I can't help feeling like she never gets to do the "fun" stuff.

I don't understand why they do this although I suspect MIL is bullied into the arrangement as FIL would not cope with dd (nappies etc) but I don't know why they just don't all go away together?

Am I out of order to say something? Appreciate any comments of any kind!

I'm sure you could say something without upsetting them. It would bug me too, sort of leave you feeling your ds is the more important. Surely he would love to go to the swings too? Sounds like FIL is thinking a 2 year old would be too much trouble (nappies, buggy) but you don't want to let them set a pattern and still leave her behind when she is older. Why don't you say 'Why don't we all go to the park (or wherever) and see what happens?

I'd be grateful that they do at least spend time with them albeit on an individual basis.

My inlaws do nothing with my ds. Bone of contention at the moment.

My dad NEVER has the 3 of mine together - takes them out individually to various place BUT I'm not going to complain as it's only been the last 3 months that he's done this!! Mine are 5, 7 and 9. Prior to that, he never did anything with them.

My ILs have NEVER taken them out full-stop - but then we never see them anyway, last time we saw MIL was December 2002.

My kids are not bothered by "separate" outings with my dad - they enjoy the fact they get individual time and get spoilt rotten!

Thanks folks, miriam2 you have hit the nail on the head.

I know I should be grateful that they do spend the time with them but tbh I would rather they did not bother if they can't do things equally. Why can't they swop occasionally?

If my dh, my dad and even my grandad can cope with nappies etc and communication with a 2yr old
why can't FIL have a go?

I think the reason they don't often want to do something altogether is that they would then worry that I would invite myself along or have to be included. They are not my biggest fans so I guess this way they get to spend time with ds/dd without me.

Snap midden. Fil always takes ds out while mil stays in with dd. I've told dh that ds and dd won't be going to their house again until he's had a word with them and told them to treat ds and dd the same. At the end of the day there is only 16 months between mine so most things ds does dd can also do. You're going to have to put your foot down I'm afraid. Good luck

Glad I am not alone woodpops. V strange situation though. They were here today which is why I posted, so fed up of the routine. Today I dropped major hints when FIL proposed trip out with ds "Oh what a shame for dd - she always misses out" but to no avail.

In the end I did a mean thing, got the paints out and distracted ds so there was no time left to go to museum. He didn't really want to go anyway, too tired after school we never really do anything much in the afternoons (dd naps too), I wish they would give ds some choice in the agenda too.

midden-ditto northener and slinky. I dont think I can remember the last time that the in-laws or my parents actually took my children out. Distance is a problem as they both live over 160miles away, but even when they do come up, its all I can do to get them to spend time playing and interacting with the kids.

Message withdrawn

thanks for your reply and support yurtgirl. I know they think I am wicked witch of the east, as I have put my foot down about things in the past - thats why I am reluctant now on this one. I have had to repeat over and over my stance on many a parenting issue and get pretty sick of it, now I am trying to work on accepting how they are. Just steaming in with their own pre planned agenda, regrdless of needs and feelings of others. They don't have much else in their life so I guess this is the way it will be. I just find it all a bit hard to swallow as my folks are so different, In laws believe gifts/money = love and that is not the way I was brought up or want to bring my own kids up. They don't respect the way I am and think I am mean and also ungrateful when I sometimes ask them to return clothes or toys the children already have. Rant over!

Why can't they both take both children out somewhere?

If they're concerned about coping with 2 small children - why not fil &mil look after children at home. Perhaps fil will see that dd is no trouble and be happy to give it a go for an outing. If thet take them out could your dh go along to help out?

Not read other replies, but it's almost certainly that 1 can be easier than 2, plus, the kids often benefit from 1-2-1 that they otherwaiseoften don't get. My dh like us to 'split up' at the w/e so can enjoy 1 at a time. Maybe they can try to alternate kids, so it's not just your ds that gets to do the fun stuff. Or they could all go out together eg to a museum & at the museum split up for a bit, then meet altogether for lunch, this is what we do often, then after lunch split up again, this time with the other kid, so each parent gets a turn with each kid.

Have you just asked them why? It doesn't have to be confrontational at all - just something like "just out of iinterst, why do you...?' & if it bothers you just find some alternatives together.

(dare I mention you're very lucky & I'm really jealous, - mine only see grandparents 3 or 4 times a year & Mine go out for the afternoon/day without me, oh, 3 or 4 times a year. To have them whisked off every (other) weekend is amazing)

I'm really sorry ernest but I'm going to have to disagree with what you said. At weekends it's nice to have family time. Me and dh love to go out as a family with ds and dd. Plus it's nice for dd and ds to be together playing etc as in week they're at nursery (in different rooms) or other days ds has pre-school and dd has toddlers so really in the week ds and dd don't see a great deal of each other!!. Like middens children her ds is at school during the week so weekends are nice to spend time altogether.

Maybe he really can't cope with a 2 year old? Maybe he wants to do "boy stuff".

My dad is fantastic with ds2. Although he doesn't do nappies. He absolutely cannot manage ds1 and is a complete liability with him. He can't even remember to lock the back door in his house when ds1 is there (and that could rapidly lead to a dead 5 year old as he has no road sense at all and they live on a main road).

My mum on the other hand can handle both of them, and is great with ds1.

We've started to split them up quite a bit now. Mum has ds1 (with dad as well but mum is hands on) and we take ds2 out for the day. Next June we're going to take ds2 and ds3 away on holiday for a week and they will stay at our house and look after ds1. TBH I'm just happy to have one of them taken off my hands.

ok woodpops, I was talking from our family's experience, when the kids are together every day, so it's nice for them to have 1-2-1. plus, as I explained, it's sort of only part division - we go somewhere together, have a couple of hours wander parent & child couples apart iyswim, then meet back up for lunch for an hour or so. It's also fun as we often bump into each other on the way round. It also allows them to get more attention, focus more on their individual interests, plus there's the rest of the day & the next day all family time. Plus we don't do it every weekend, but it seems to work well for us all, but then, like I said, mine see a lot more of each other than yours do