The First Affair
There was a middle-age couple that had two stunningly beautiful teen-age
daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for
the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became
pregnant and, sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one
look and was horrified to find the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the
father of the child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered," he
cried. Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling
around on me?"
The wife smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
The Second Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the
dead
bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined
the body of Mr. Schultz, he made an amazing discovery: Schultz had the
longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schultz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to
be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.
It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his
tools
to remove the dead man's privates. The coroner stuffed his prize into a
briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you
that
you won't believe," he said, opening his briefcase.
"Oh, my God!" she screamed. "Schultz is dead!"
The Third Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner!"
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with
talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered." Just
pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one
for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they
went to sleep. Around 2 a.m., the husband got out of bed,
went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass
of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at
the
Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of
water."
The Fourth Affair
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bartender and asks for
a beer.
"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender. "That'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaims the customer.
The barman replies, "Yes."
So the guy glances over the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy
T-bone steak with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real
money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," the bartender replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy.
"Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy asks, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."
The Fifth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by
his
side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying
roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move
slightly, "My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something I
must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all
right. Go to sleep."
"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best
friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know," Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."
The Sixth Affair
An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to
his wife with endearing terms-"Honey," "My Love," "Darling," Sweetheart,"
"Pumpkin," etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly,
they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his
host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years,
you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said. "I
forgot her name about 10 years ago."