She doesn't want to talk to me on the phone/voice..why?

[Overjoyedd]

Hi all

I have this female FB friend who I've known almost 10 yrs (she is in her 30's, married, no kids)

We talk (by wiring on Messenger I mean) things quite openly.
health, finance, hobby, family etc,. but we've never talked on the phone/voice before.

I've seen her pics w/ her husband, her work, even her online resume she recently created so there's no way she lies about her being woman etc,

In late 2020, I was having a little issue with something and I really wanted to talk (voice chat) to her about it as I've told her about the issue previously, briefly.

but she basically said : I don't really do phone calls :

-she doesn't like talking on the phone and only talk to her mother on the phone, or at work when she really had to.

• not huge fun of talking on the phone
• it give her anxiety she chooses not to do it
• it's general anxiety of not wanting to feel stupid

I don't think she dislike me and such, as she almost always sends me Messenger message first (even what she's told me above)
and when I reply, she always comes back to me like within 5 minutes . so she is clearly likes keeping in touch with me though?

I am obviously a bit sad that she didn't want to talk with me when I needed her, but also trying to understand what is making her in that way

I don't do voice calls unless they are in my "inner circle" - otherwise it feels too vulnerable. I can totally relate to her decision.

If after 10 years you’ve never met this person, they won’t speak to you on the phone or do a FaceTime chat, the chances are they are not who you are think they are.

My DH and I share a PayPal account - you wouldn’t be able to tell from the name whether we are a man or woman, or a couple.

@wellthatsunusual

Your wants don’t override her wants.

But the friend's wants are overriding the OPs wants. Why is that different?

I hate talking on the phone too, and I never ring anyone. But if someone really wanted to talk to me and they contacted me, I would accept that it's important to them.

Of course it’s different. Someone doesn’t get to force another against their will to do something and claim it’s no different because their wants were otherwise being overridden. It’s worrying people think otherwise. Thankfully for many things it’s also clear the law agrees.

You either agree with how things work for both sides to be happy, such as messaging only, or you don’t and go your separate ways.

I have autism and I don't do phone calls. It gives me extreme anxiety.

Sounds like she’s explained perfectly well why she doesn’t like phone calls? What more do you want?

You either agree with how things work for both sides to be happy, such as messaging only, or you don’t and go your separate ways.

That's what I meant. The OP isn't happy with how things are. The point I was trying to make is that she is equally entitled to feel unhappy about that as her friend is to feel unhappy about the OP wanting to speak to her.

I wasn't suggesting forcing anything on anyone.

@wellthatsunusual

You either agree with how things work for both sides to be happy, such as messaging only, or you don’t and go your separate ways.

That's what I meant. The OP isn't happy with how things are. The point I was trying to make is that she is equally entitled to feel unhappy about that as her friend is to feel unhappy about the OP wanting to speak to her.

I wasn't suggesting forcing anything on anyone.

When you said that the friend’s needs were overriding the OP’s needs and asked why was that different it didn’t sound as if you meant what you are now saying at all.

When you said that the friend’s needs were overriding the OP’s needs and asked why was that different it didn’t sound as if you meant what you are now saying at all.

All I was saying was that the OP wants something else and why should her friend dictate the terms? I didn't think I needed to specify that if they cannot reach an agreement that suits them both then no one gets to force their terms on the other. I thought it went without saying.

@wellthatsunusual

You either agree with how things work for both sides to be happy, such as messaging only, or you don’t and go your separate ways.

That's what I meant. The OP isn't happy with how things are. The point I was trying to make is that she is equally entitled to feel unhappy about that as her friend is to feel unhappy about the OP wanting to speak to her.

I wasn't suggesting forcing anything on anyone.

Thank you @wellthatsunusual for the first message you posted.

Yes, exactly. my friend wants is overriding my want in this case
AKA I am frustrated the both needs don't match

(btw - if your friend needs to talk to you, please accept when you can. I think they feel some comfort hearing your voice as well as getting advice from you.)

I have a speech difficulty and HATE talking on the phone for this reason.

She probably has valid reasons and isn't just being weird

Thank you @doctorhamster mentioning about Autisum.
May I ask if you feel any better if the call was with video (so you can see the other end?)

My son is also autistic and he dies find FaceTime easier

@ValleyClouds
@Comefromaway

since you both and @doctorhamster mentioned about medical condition now I am started to see things a bit more clear...!
I will wait her to opens up a bit more and support her.

(I'm not assuming she has medical condition, but I think it is quite possible)

Noooo video is a million times worse. I honestly can't even explain why phone calls make me so anxious. It can literally take me days to build up to making a call.

@Overjoyedd - out of interest have you ever suggested meeting in person?

My two bedrest friends can't talk on the phone. It's hard if I've had a rough time and need to hear them, but they really really cannot cope with it. And that's fine. It's different but fine.

I find things are harder when it’s out of character for the relationship - in lockdown 1 I struggled more to talk on the phone to friends I had only seen in person whereas friends who live far away it was easy to talk to that way because we had always done it that way.

If you’ve never met and never communicated online then there are some very strong boundaries up. To cross them needs negotiation on both parts.

@TigerDroveAgain thanks for your empathy.

I don't know how man people actually read thread carefully and noticed it's not just I don't believe my friend's reasons , more like there are psychological/medical reasons why she can't.

I understand some ppl just like to brush things off quickly, but I prefer to approach the issue with different angle (and deeper) to make myself understand what's really going on.

(Just to add that we've send greeting cards, some items, and she's even put items on her webiste so I know she really exists)

OP if you'd met in person (at least once) I wouldn't find her reluctance to phone calls an unusual preference. But having a 10 year friendship without ever seeing / hearing the person does raise some red flags to me.

@PreyingMantlepiece Aww..sorry to hear that.. (do you think they have some medical/psychological reasons, like others mentioned?)

Not sure if you are like me but... hearing someone's voice (not anyone but who I'd like to hear) gives me some comfort.

During Covid19 isolation I crave human contact/voice more than before and that's perhaps one of the reasons I wanted to talk to my FB in the first place as well as discuss the issue I had.

I hate phone calls - and I work in a contact centre!
I spend all day on the phone too so the last thing I want is to speak to anyone on the phone and video is even worse. I would do a voice note on messenger though if someone asked

Youve never met in person
Someone replies to you straight away at all times of the day
You knew someone would ask you if it’s a scam - so it’s something you’ve considered, been told, or the logical part of your brain knows something isn’t quite right
You send this person money and gifts
And all the ‘evidence’ you have of her being a woman, isn’t really evidence

I would consider that this could be a scam.
However if after 10 years this isn’t something you’ve seriously considered, then clearly there is something in this relationship that you need, so maybe just keep it how it is, but stop sending money (I mean you shouldn’t speak to a scammer but I imagine you’re not about to listen to me over the person youve been speaking to for 10 years, so at least just make sure you’re staying safe)

Does she ever need help?
Does she wish she had certain things that she tells you about
Do people In Her family ever need help?
Does she appear to be your best best friend who is allllways very happy to talk to you?
Have you ever spent any time looking into all the ‘evidence’ she’s sent you?
Have you told anyone else about your friendship- do they express any concern?

I have a friend like this, I know her in 'real life' and have done for many years, but she finds phone calls ridiculously anxiety inducing. I respect that as we are fortunate enough (in normal times!) that we can just meet as she is up the road if we want to chat, but appreciate that isn't the case for you.

If you feel like it's affecting your friendship then it's not wrong to feel like it's a mismatch of 'wants' and do what you will with that.

Actually I missed the money and gifts parts, I wouldn't do that without having met someone in person and being confident in who they are. Sorry, I know that's not helpful, but in light of that I would strongly consider re-evaluating what you are both getting out of the friendship, and whether it's equal and fair.

Op have you never met each other in real life?