Baby biting and scratching can’t cope

[Rabbits2020]

Hi,
I don’t know what to do, I have an 11 month old baby, she was 4 weeks Premature, so 10 months corrected age, but recently she has started biting and scratching, she also cries ALL day no matter what me or hubby do, if we pick her up she gets worse and scratches more. We are both covered in scratches and bruises, so many broken glasses, my hair has been pulled out in clumps, I’m having to rehome our dog as she will attack him too and he won’t stay away from her, so it’s not fair on him as he doesn’t understand and I’m scared he will attack her, I can’t keep him locked up all the time it’s just not fair.
I live in a pre fab bungalow and the walls don’t support a baby gate (tried and all of them she’s ripped off within a few hours) I’ve put her in jumperoos, cot, playpen but the cot and playpen she can easily escape from or just screams and screams literally nothing will shut her up, this is from 8am to 9pm and she doesn’t nap. There are no HV who can come out and we are currently isolating due to covid. This has been going on for a few weeks now but is getting worse.
Hubby has anger issues and he’s trying really hard not to blow but being under house arrest and no where to go is taking a toll on both of us, we have no family/friends or support bubble.
At this point in time I want to dump her at a hospital and walk away or phone social services and put her into care. We love her but we just can’t cope. Maybe if we were not in lockdown and could go out or put her in nursery or have someone look after her for a bit it would help but we are so cut off.
I’m also in and out of hospital due to illness so I’m getting so scared of leaving hubby and her alone as I know how impossible she is.
Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

Have you tried asking for a HV to get in touch? Or maybe contact your gp and describe the situation as you have on here and your worries. You sound like you could do with some practical support. Have you any family that could help?

This lockdown is very stressful for many people but there should be someone who could listen to you. Sounds like you all need a bit of a re-set but having covid is obviously a problem just now.

You won't really want to hand your baby to social services (!) but it's normal to feel like you don't know what to try next.
A place in a nursery would probably do you all good so maybe try pushing for that.

What does your DH having “anger issues” mean?

Have you called your HV? Do you have a local children’s centre?

Nurseries and childminders are open so could you enquire about finding some childcare?

Hi,
Thanks for the reply, no family at all and friends are limited and bubbled up and are too scared to leave their homes.
I’ve looked at nursery but partner is worried about cost as it’s £50+ a day.
We both lost are jobs with covid and debts are getting an issue now.
The HV has said she cannot come out.
She put me in touch with surestart but they also can’t come out.
Now we are isolating we are stuck for another 8 days too.
Partner has anxiety issues and finds stressful situations difficult, he was handling it well before lockdown as he could get away from stresses and see his therapist but all that is not available atm and he’s struggling.
She’s scratched all his face today and bust his lip, she finds it funny, we try and distract her, put mittens on and nothing she then just screams. :(

OK, sounds like there are a few things going on and isolating and not having any friends and family around are amplifying things.

Firstly - sleep. She really needs some naps and if she isn't napping then she will be overtired and even more wired and manic ime.
What's your routine like at the moment?
A good routine will help both of you, baby will get her needs met and you will get a break in the day.

Don't take it personally if she scratches or bites you - she doesn't know if hurts, she isn't trying to hurt you, she's just frustrated or excited or just experimenting with what happens.
As soon as she starts getting like that just put her down straight away. And keep her nails short.

Currently her routine is:
Bed at 7.30 with milk feed she then sleeps through until 8am following day. Then 8am feed/breakfast, play and then she’s on us and screaming, milk/snack around 11.30, lunch at 1.30, dinner 5pm.
She has decided not to sleep in her room, we put her down in there but she will escape her cot, and then if she can’t go through the door have a meltdown, if she can she will come to us and go straight back to sleep, or quite happily sleep in our room (she now has the travel cot in there and is fine and I have tried the travel cot in her room and still she won’t settle) it’s just the day and the constant screaming, biting and scratching, we dread holding her as it hurts so much. Nails are short, we put her down but she goes absolutely nuts and gets herself so worked up there is nothing that really calms her.
Do you think she has some development issues?
Thanks

I really think you need to contact your HV and discuss it with them.
Is it that she is bored being in the house all day ? If you take her out for a walk in the pram how is she ?

She sounds sleep deprived.
I would try:
Up at 7, milk & breakfast
Play
Nap at 10 for about 45 minutes - if you need to hold her, lie down with her or walk in the pram that’s fine.
Milk and a snack when she’s up
Playtime
Lunch maybe about 1
Nap time at 1.30 - wake her at 3
Snack and milk
Tea
Bath
Bedtime routine for bed at 7.30.

Plan some activities for each “playtime” slot, it doesn’t need to be fancy. I have a square plastic garden tray that I use a lot.
For example you could put cereal or oats in the tray with cars, people, spoons, bowls and drive the cars through it, fill and empty the bowls (I like oats or rice crispie a for this as it’s easy to clear up)
Fill a box or basket with interesting items from around the house - wooden spoons, brushes of any kind, pieces of fabric or scarves, jar lids, small boxes or tins. Let her explore.
Put some songs on and dance together.
Take her outside

Could she have an injury that is causing her pain? Did she have a fall or a bang that you are aware of? She’s at that stage when she is very mobile but has poor motor skills.

Is she not napping at all during the day? How is she escaping her cot and room at 11 months old?

Are you and she both safe with your DH’s ‘anger issues’? It sounds like you may not be, especially if you’re worrying about leaving her with him when you’re in hospital.

She isn't getting anywhere near enough sleep. At that age mine were just transitioning to one long lunchtime nap from 2 sleeps that another poster has mentioned. She's getting 12.5 hours overnight, she also needs 2-3 hours daytime sleep. I'd bet if you get her napping you'll have a different child. If she won't sleep at home drive or walk, do whatever to get her to sleep. I'd implement an earlier bedtime, 6.30/7 and try put her to bed around 10.30 and then try for another nap in the afternoon. If she won't sleep in the morning try after lunch

Hi,
We are not allowed out at all as isolating and I think she’s bored of being trapped in.
She’s walking well, she has a cot bed but can pull herself up and over, so we had to remove the side to prevent injuries, so she can easily get in and out of bed now.
No matter what we try in the day to get her to nap she won’t, she really fights it. We make it dark turn everything off, give her a feed and hold her but to no avail.
However when were were allowed out we could go in the car and she always naps in the car, as I said pram walk too, she doesn’t nap but she’s content.
We just can’t do them at the moment.
She loves music and will listen but gets bored, she has so many toys and I’ve made things or given her safe general items, we do messy time too in the shower but again she’s only interested for a very short time and still normally cries throughout activities or has a meltdown. She’s also today started biting herself and making marks on her arms and hands. I tried calling the drs and HV today but both are closed (it says call back tomorrow) I have emailed both.
Her temperature is fine, she’s passing water and faeces ok, good appetite. No injuries or bruises.
As for partner he’s never hurt or threatened me but we are both struggling, we have never been in a lockdown where all our support has basically been removed and I am worried that the relentless crying and biting/scratching is going to push him over (I feel like this so I really don’t know how he is coping, I’m really struggling)
I have spoken to our council about what we can/can’t do in isolation and explained our situation but he said no we must stay indoors, it’s only another 8 days but when it’s relentless that seems like a lifetime

Do you have a garden?

This sentence really worried me "I’m getting so scared of leaving hubby and her alone as I know how impossible she is."

SHE isn't impossible, she's tiny. He is an adult and you shouldn't have to play interference to keep her safe. You need to call your GP or HV and use that exact sentence. You will be a priority.

My then-husband also suffers from.anxiety that makes him angry. He's not controlling the way that people talk about abusers on here - but it whether or not he is meaning to be abusive, if he is experiencing anger issues and you feel that your baby is unsafe, his behaviour is creating an abusive environment and you all need support.

In practical terms, as pps say she likely needs more sleep and more stimulation. It's also very unusual for an 11 month old to get out of their cot, is she on the correct height setting, and in a sleeping bag? It sounds like you're having a tough time and need and deserve support, do you have a family member or friend who could bubble with you, or even come over?

Are you isolating as someone in your family has covid, or as contacts?

Agree about the cot setting - the base should go low enough that an 11 month old can't reach over.

If she is constantly biting and scratching both you and herself then you need to get her seen by a doctor ASAP. Babies at this age are not good at identifying feelings in their bodies so it could be eg that she has itchy skin but she doesn’t recognise it as itchiness and she is trying to feel better by seeking sensory input.

It could also be a more general sensory seeking behaviour especially if she doesn’t get upset when she bites herself. My daughter has a sensory processing issue and sometimes these make kids very sensitive to the slightest touch and other times it makes them seek out strong sensations.

On the other hand, I would expect that if she had a severe allergy or other medical issue that was causing her extreme discomfort then she would not sleep well at night which she obviously does. So it could just be a sensory issue and/or getting overtired. She definitely needs to nap, what else have you tried? Rocking, dummy, white noise? Sling?

Also I know this isn’t what you posted about but I would be very concerned about your husband. He has anger issues? I personally would refuse to live with such a man until he had sorted himself out. You need to prioritise yours and your daughters safety. I know that it must be very difficult (my daughter has additional needs and there are some days where I wish I could just leave her with someone else, as awful as that sounds) it worries me that you say you want to leave her and walk away, presumably back to this man with anger issues. She needs to be your priority now.

Thankyou for the advice the cot is on its lowest setting but she can with ease pull herself over, she has been on her feet for the last 6 weeks but it’s been the past 2 where she’s strong enough to pull up and over, obviously it scares me as the fall could do damage, hence why we removed the side just in case.
As for partner he doesn’t live with us but again with Covid he has stayed more regularly mainly to help support me as I’m disabled and the people who did care for me and help around the house have been unable too. But since having to isolate he’s had to stay.
We are isolating as I was exposed to covid on a recent hospital visit and I have symptoms.
I feel if things were back to some kind of normal it would be better as I’d have more support, be able to access support.
I am really tired, I feel like I’m trying to keep both of them happy and I just can’t do it.

Oh that all sounds really hard, especially as you’re unwell and isolating.

Can you put her in the buggy in the garden for a 10 o’clock nap tomorrow and just rock it/push it up and down? I’d do that with headphones in listening to a podcast or music, then if she does fall asleep you can come in and have a cup of tea and a little break.

What do you mean anger issues? This all sounds very concerning

Our “garden” is communal so we aren’t allowed to even walk around that,
As for anger issues he gets bad anxiety, I’ve never known him to smash anything, but he says he has in the past, he’s never hit anyone, but he had his own coping methods all of which has been removed in some way or limited due to covid and various restrictions, also losing his job and mine and as I’m critically vulnerable there probably won’t be much chance of me getting a new job anytime soon (who would employ someone who has to shield) :/ I was the higher earner also so we have that stress to deal with.
He has snapped (not at anyone) but he has shouted and left the room and looked really angry and this is getting more regular, when he’s got like this I have asked him to leave and he did go home for few hours but we were both worried about being reported and getting a fine etc.
I am worried as it’s a lot for someone to deal with and I’ve “lost it” at times (like I burnt dinner the other day so I shouted)
Now if I have to go into hospital and it is likely then being on his own could be the make or break (that’s what I’m worried about)

Have you had a covid test? I know you said you have symptoms but it's possible you don't have covid despite being exposed. If this is the case then at least a negative covid test would mean your partner and baby could go outside or for a walk?

I would get a covid test and at least walk around the communal garden when there is no one else there. Yes, it's not quite within the rules but I don't think anyone would begrudge you getting your baby some air every day.

I was tested Sunday, negative but I have been retested today as they feel it is Covid as I’m have all the symptoms, they did say even with a negative test because I have been exposed and have symptoms I have to stay indoors. My Neighbours generally do come over to talk especially if I have baby with me and all of them are elderly

@Rabbits2020 you prob shouldn't go into the garden as you are isolating as a contact but as you've had a negative test your partner can come and go as he normally would and he could take dd out for a walk in the pram or even just round the garden to give you some breathing space and give dd a change of scenery.
Have you tried pressure stair gates? I wouldn't use on at top of stairs but we use one on ds bedroom door to keep him safe and in his room when we changed from cot to bed.

Hi,
I’m in a bungalow, internal walls are all very flimsy plasterboard, we did have a baby Dan folding gate but it would stay screwed into the plaster, any piece just rips them out :(
We were told we both need to isolate but if partner can go out that would help.