So, how do you make new friends once you have children?

[Mung]

I really feel like a small child here, moaning that I haven't got any friends...a bit embarrassing, but here goes;
I moved to my current house a year and a half ago now and have since had DD. I am a SAHM, but I itch to go back to work as I loved my job before. I go to the local Toddler Group and Coffee group, but I am really feeling that I have not made any true friends around here. You know, the sort of person who you can just sit with over coffee and talk about rubbish with and feel that they understand you. I am starting to miss that and feel that I need something more for me (obviously with DCs in tow). I catch up with friends from further away and I have got involved in a couple of committees, but I am still struggling.

Having had DS where I used to live and then moving soon after I find that I miss out on the whole 'new baby' group thing. Now that he is 2.1 and DD is 6 months I am kind of torn between them whenever I go anywhere. The local NCT groups are designed either for toddlers or non-movers, and again I struggle with both of them.

I was just wondering how you managed to meet like-minded people and how long it took.

Am very interested in the responses you get to this as I am in exactly the same position!

frustrating isn't it...

We moved to a new area when DS was 4 months old so I am in a similar position as well although I do work 35 hours per week but I am the only one in the office apart from seeing a couple of plumbers every other day! My DS is in nursery for 4.5days/week and although he has made a couple of friends, I find it difficult to suggest to other mums we meet up on weekends as I know this time is precious to us and I'm sure to most other families as well! So will watch this thread with interest.

Maybe us 3 could get together? Where do you live?

I know what you mean Mishymoo...its almost like you are asking someone out on a date and it feels a bit silly. I have now decided that I am definitely going to pounce on anyone who seems 'nice' and ask them to do things.

I even had a 'blind Mum date' last week, where a friend of a friend put me in contact with someone else who has recently moved here.

If we really did live in the same town I would be amazed!

We moved a year ago to a new area when the DSs were almost 1 and almost 3. We're in a village, which I expect makes it easier to meet people than in a town where people may be more spread out, but I have made some really good friends who I met in the park, making a real effort to go to NCT and toddler groups, at swimming lessons (and going for lunch and a coffee afterwards). When I found somebody I liked, I invited them round for coffee or suggested we went out somewhere. And a few people I met since DS1 (now 4) started at the local pre-school.

I think we really became close as friends when we were able to spend some time together without children - and there's a group of us who have a once-a-month night at the local pub. I was lucky to stumble across a group that were just planning to start such a regular girls night out, and it's been fantastic.

It is hard work - but stick with it, and be prepared to make the first move. I know it can seem like people already have their friends and social lives sorted, but I doubt they're quite a socially active as they seem!

Good luck.

i'm in a similar position. my dd is 19 months old, and we went to m&t again today. i just feel frustrated at how hard it is to really talk to people at these things and most other mums at these things are very quite, as am i. I don't know why but i can never tell whether they're just shy or whether they just really don't want to speak to me.

i just want someone to talk to! how difficult can it be?!

Mung - at least we're not alone!

I guess we all just have to 'take the bull by the horns' and just approach someone who 'looks friendly' and ask them over for a coffee! Easier said than done though?

Yes, Mishymoo, I felt so silly, but at least I know that other people are in the same boat. You'll have to let me know how it goes.

Just on the off chance...I'm in Essex

I have tried most of that justaboutdrippingblood (except hosting a friend as Dcs are only 2.1 and 0.6). I did meet Mums at Toddler group and meet up with them every other Monday for coffee, but they are just so different to me. I now realise that and feel that I need people I can tlk to better.

I am now making more of an effort to chat to other Mums at M&T rather than just the same little group.

I will keep trying.

go to local MN meet-ups - think I met all my post baby friends there...

I'm in the same boat too. We moved here 3 years ago and we found it really hard to make friends. It doesn't help that we're very picky about who we will tolerate. We decided there should be dating agencies for people who are already a couple and want friends.

I have made 1 good friend through stalking her on her blog, but DP hasn't met anyone. It's a good job we enjoy each others company.

I always said it'd be easier once we had kids. DD is 3 months old and I've just started going to different baby groups. I've met a couple of people through a postnatal group who seem nice.

I agree with what others suggest, focus on getting to know 1 person at each session, and don't be afraid to let them know you're new to the area and desperate for friends.

I don't suppose any of you live near Tameside do you?

I don;t think small babies are necessarily good for making freinds When I look at my sister whose kids are all in their late teens now some of best friends are from when the kids were in infant school. Old enough to be going to play with other kids but young enough to still need adult supervision and therefore parents paths crossed more. Before infant school I htink you need to make a concerted effort. Get thee to a MN meetup - or set one up yourself if there isn't one.

justaboutdrippingblood...I just feel that I have given it a good go and we really have nothing to chat about. They are lovely people and they are kind, but that is about as far as it goes. I often feel that they look at me when I say things and think, 'you freak'. We just have very different interests and opinions , I suppose. Thanks for the advice though.

I am going to try the MN meetups section...see what luck I have. Perhaps that way I will find more 'freaks' like me who spend too much time on this forum.

Me too! I moved to a new town in August 2006 and have yet to make a single friend. I go to toddler groups and joined the NCT (who only seem to cater for mums with new babies) It's so depressing.

So, how do you keep sane?

It's very difficult, and very frustrating.

There are potentially loads of nice women out there, probably feeling jsut as fed up, bored and lonely as you are but I've always found the biggest barrier to making "significant" friendships with other mums is the children !

It's all very well suggesting coffee, toddler groups etc but I for one find it very hard to have anything approaching a "real" conversation with someone else when both you and they have to also keep an eye on what your child is up to .... you just can't concentrate properly, you're dashing off to see to a child, said child is interupting, the flow is broken 'cos a child wants the loo etc, there's screams and shrieks. I know it sounds defeatist but I have all but given up trying to make friends directly through having children in common.

But what do you do when mums are really the only other people you come into contact with (to compund the issue, I work from home) ?? You really have to go through the playdate stage first so hopefully you can then suggest to another mum that it might be nice to go out of an evening without the kids .... but I for one wouldn't feel confident suggesting such a night out straight off, would feel all weird.

I've recently got to know new people through joing a local book club .... that's definitely without kids and is definitely grown-up conversation and it's great. Hopefully some deeper friendships might develop with time, but like you I really miss the sort of friendships I used to have where you really clicked with someone and could just drop in on each other, talk rubbish and you both "got it".

the west london MN group is lovely and quite large so tehre is generally someone around when you need company for something.

I have been making a real effort and feel much better. I have suggested an evening out to a couple of Mum's I see infrequently, but I know I like and I practically jumped on the two newer ladies at Toddler group and invited them over when DS is a pre-school. That way it will be just small babies and we'll get a better chance to chat.

I have also posted pn a thread in the meet-ups section, although i am not sure if the others on there are still reading it. If I get nothing next week, I'll post a new thread.

Those few small things have made me feel much happier, so thanks for all the tips and suggestions.

How about you others who are in the same boat?