This is long I'm sorry I didn't try to summarise. I have a 14month old girl who I completely adore but it's just not what I imagined. Not the baby part - I'm fine with all that and was very prepared but the Covid mummy part, the part where I had to give up my job and my lonely marriage.
I am a primary school teacher, I imagined maternity leave with lots of baby classes, instead I was locked in doors right when my baby was ready to actually enjoy those classes. She's wonderful and healthy and thriving etc but she does have an underlining condition which suddenly went from meaning nothing to being something that Covid could actually worsen.... so I had to shield baby from March - summer. I worked remotely after mat leave to do the time I owed after mat leave then left as we were scared me working during pandemic could bring it home and put baby at risk. But gradually I find myself losing myself, I only go out for food and have no career, no life and have put on weight so hate myself in the mirror too. My husband is very closed-minded about the pandemic he's foreign and says it's dangerous here and keeps pressuring me to move abroad to his hometown.... I can't imagine losing myself even more there. I love my home and don't see how we could leave without letting/selling it and can't bear to think of moving somewhere where we don't have our own home. Money is tight as I don't work and I'm not used to this - I can't even shop online it's that bad. No treating myself. I also always pictured having 2 children close in age, can't bear to think of her as an only child but my husband doesn't want any now due to Covid and feeling it's an additional person to protect, also he's not at all intimate anymore so would he hard for us to even make one anyway.
His life hasn't changed since becoming a dad and I am starting to resent him. He never gets up at night or in the morning. I've never had a lie-in.... he goes to work, comes from and I'm not exaggerating he plays games on his phone til bedtime taking a break solely to eat dinner. I do everything single little thing at home even taking out the trash is only down to me! He won't even play with baby while I cook - he tried to give her toys to "keep her busy" so he can be on his on phone I cook and entertain her at the same time. She's currently not going to bed u til 9.00-9.45pm because by the time I've sorted out kitchen and bathed her etc that's the time..... he says any earlier is too early (bedtime is later for kids in his country) so by the time she's asleep I sit on the sofa from 10.00-11.00pm and that's it. I have 1 hour and sometimes have to use it for house work etc. But that's the earliest I sit on sofa all day. He only works 4 days a week - the other 3 days he plays games from 8.30am til 11.00pm literally sits on sofa all day long. I've mentioned it sooooo many times etc. No change. He says he needs a distraction from Covid - don't we f all! Finally, I told him my desire to have only 1 evening each week where he puts down the phone and we do something e.g late meal, board game, movie, whatever... we start to have a date night etc - he liked the idea but hasn't done it once! He never wants sex - he only does it to sweeten me up if I've tried to share how I feel about everything that day or because I've complained we never do it! I've stopped complaining as I now feel undesired and unattractive etc! Tonight he tried to get close but I just said goodnight - he ignores me all day long I just don't feel attracted to him.... we do nothing together anymore..... have tried to tell friends how I'm feeling they have brushed it off saying first year of parenting is this etc. I have nobody to talk to.... I feel so lonely and feel like I'm living the same day again and again and again as nothing changes. I adore my baby but I'm so unhappy. I just need to let it out and hope someone can understand me and my feelings and won't just laugh and say it's all fine. 😢😢😢