I’m a mum of a three year old and a 3 month old baby. I have been in a relationship with their dad for about fourteen years. We got together very young and foolishly bought a house which was in negative equity for years and this forced us to stay together due to our financial commitments . Our relationship has had a lot of ups and downs and I feel very confused on whether to stay in the relationship and I don’t want to split our family up for no good reason.
Basically I met him when I was 18 and by the time I was 19 we were in a mortgage together. He’s always looked after me, I have always felt if I lost my job tomorrow he would be the person I could count on and when I’m at my lowest he would be the one their to pick me back up. My own family (parents especially) were not the best and i have never felt secure or protected, hence why I was in a mortgage from such a young age. My partner has always given me that security and support which is why this is difficult.
From the very beginning of the relationship I have found him to be very insecure and controlling. He has a very different back ground to me, he had two loving parents Who gave him everything he wanted (within reason).
When we met I was at my most vulnerable, I was bordering on homelessness as my parents had met other partners and were moving in together. He rescued me, I had left college and was unemployed. He gave me the confidence to go out and find a job etc
However as my confidence grew more red flags appeared. It soon become an issue to go out with friends or work colleagues so I very quickly became isolated and lost friendships. Then the mortgage fee household bills became another method of control and I couldn’t spend any money on myself because he would nag and complain even though i was working full time. He earned more at the time but we split the bills equally which left me with hardly anything and him with a surplus and the upper hand.
I decided to try and gain some financial freedom by going to uni and retraining for a better job and in all fairness he supported me during this time. I did still bring in an income but it was a lot less during my degree and during this time I had nothing, no luxuries etc and it was a huge struggle.
When I began earning more with my new job i felt our relationship improved and we decided to start a family. It was a now or never scenario and truthfully I think I had resigned to the fact this was my life, my relationship and it was never going to be any different.
During my pregnancy I discovered his job was at risk, he was a co business owner and had taken out a load of debt without telling me. Now the shoe was on the other foot. However he still has audacity to try and make me feel guilty if I spend any money outside of the household bills.
I now recognise how I have lost myself in this relationship. I have no friends because whenever I built friendships they were quickly destroyed. I have gained weight because I think I’ve been depressed from being suppressed over the years. I feel like I work for nothing and have to ask permission to spend my own earnings.
I think I have held onto the relationship because I have a fear of being left alone due to childhood issues.
I constantly feel gas lighted by him, I feel I have to ask for permission to do things,
If I try and do something that costs any small amount of money he will nag and complain until I just give up and then he denies it all so I feel like I’m going mad. He is a good dad and helps with the kids but again it’s always at a cost, as if he’s doing me a favour because I can’t cope rather than it being his parental responsibility to help care for his kids.
Further issues are his parents dont like me, mother in law constantly criticising me (she hs never worked a day in her life and thinks I should basically do everything for the children and he should put his feet up when he gets in). Then I feel like a failure as a mum because I need help.
His friends for some reason hate me even though I have only met them on a handful of occasions. So I feel gaslighted into thinking there must be something wrong with me.
I was recently left a very small sum of money and it’s now all gone because i genuinely think he didn’t like that I had some financial freedom. All of a sudden I find I’m spending this money on everyday things because I have been manipulated into thinking I couldn’t spend my own wages (we have a joint account) and so if I needed anything for myself or our children I’d have to spend this inheritance. I was buying food shopping with it because I was just made to feel like I wasn’t allowed spend from our joint account. I can’t ezplain it well because he never directly said that it was just a feeling. So now I’m no longer financially free and I feel like he loves this.
Now I am in my 30’s I am beginning to recognise these issues and I am questioning whether I would be a happier person if I was single. Truthfully I feel miserable, out of control of my own life. What do I do?