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Original poster

Suitable remarks needed please

29 replies

jampot · 24/10/2004 09:19

My friend from work (R) asked me a couple of weeks ago if I was going to (A)'s party which is next weekend - she hadn't invited me so obvious answer is No. She has invited everyone else from work and as R wasn't in the office for a couple of weeks A texted her. Well R is now back in the office and when the party was being discussed on Friday she asked if anyone had invited me - Silence... then "she never goes to any do" was uttered. Anyway the upshot was that A was going to ring me on Friday to invite me .... but hasn't! Now obviosly i do not wish to go as an afterthought but if she does ring then really want to get this across as if i had been invited originally i would have gone as it isn't too far away. (Xmas do last year was in Brum City Centre and there's no one who lives by me so would mean a long taxi journey on my own plus it started at 4pm so had childcare probs too)

OP posts:
eidsvold · 24/10/2004 09:23

perhaps something along the lines of - if you had more notice you would loved to have come but the 'short' notice makes it a little difficult re: childcare, travel etc.... just a thought.

vict17 · 24/10/2004 09:24

TBH I would go as now that they know you will go, and if you go with a smile on your face and be the life and soul of the party, they will invite you straightaway next time perhaps. Poor you tho, is it usually a very cliquey place you work?

Original poster
jampot · 24/10/2004 09:39

Well the make up of hte firm is that there's 11 of us in all which includes the boss, his wife, her sister, boss's sister, boss's best friend and then others. The lady concerned is the boss's wife's sister who to be honest I always thought I got on with. I seriously could not bring myself to go knowing i wasn;t originally thought of - to me its just another "you're not welcome here" insinuation. Admittedly I do work from home but am on the phone to office or visit at least 2 times a week and its not like Im the new girl as it were as I have been there 3 years and virtually everyone else has come in the last 12 months

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Papillon · 24/10/2004 09:50

She is probably abit embarrassed to ring you now... as she will be aware that not inviting you has been discussed at work and you surely you have already made your feelings known somewot via your collegues (?)

If she does get around to inviting I would ask her

why she has did not invite you earlier?

Did she not realise that inviting everybody except yourself would be hurtful?

I would tell her that you would have liked to have gone, as it is not too far away but to considered as an afterthought really makes it all too degrading to accept.

vict17 · 24/10/2004 09:53

Blimey Papillion, I would be too scared to say the last line as it's so confrontational. I'd chicken out of anything like that and just say I'm doing something else tonight as it's such short notice

Original poster
jampot · 24/10/2004 10:15

my friend was trying to talk me into going last night but I did ask her what she would do if it had been her not invited and she did agree she wouldn't go (if the invite came of course). I am actually really offended by this

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Freckle · 24/10/2004 10:29

I'm not surprised. In such a small firm, it is obvious that party invitations from one member are going to be discussed. The party-giver must have known that you would find out that you were the only one not invited. Much as my instinct would be to ignore it all and act with dignity, deep down I would look on it as a deliberate insult. And, if I were your friend, I would not have gone to the party either and made it clear to the hostess why I wasn't going.

Sorry, this probably doesn't make you feel any better, does it?

Original poster
jampot · 24/10/2004 10:38

you know I am beginning to think why do people do this to me.... R also told me some months ago a couple of the newer girls asked her why she kept in touch with me... she said because she liked me and we were both there for a year together before everyone else came and got on well. They said to her "you don;t need to now, you've got us"! I dont get invited to the pub on Fridays (admittedly I dont work fridays) but only live 5-10 mins away. The xmas do has been discussed in office and a date has been set that I can't make but no-one has suggested a new date although I suspect the date was set in te first place as everyone else could do it. Boo Hoo

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ScummyMummy · 24/10/2004 10:43

Oh hon- I know I'd find this really hard too. It's the sort of seemingly minor thing that can niggle and niggle and make people feel really upset. Poor you.

And now, to exacerbate the problem, there's the whole thing of wondering whether to go or not ... I think I'd have to decide this on pragmatism rather than analysing rights or wrongs, personally. This would have mortally offended me, full stop- not proud of this but it's the rude truth- and so for me the next steps would be a matter of trying to work out the best way to hide my upset/recover from their slight. If I thought I could go to the party without showing insecurity or anger I would. But it might well be that I couldn't help but scowl through the whole event... in that instance I would stay home and scowl- unless I thought that I would then stew with resentment everafter whenever I saw these colleagues, in which case I would go to the party and sulk in the hope of getting it out of my system! I realise this probably isn't too helpful but you really do have all my sympathy, jampot. I hope you feel better soon.

tinyganghq · 24/10/2004 10:52

Could say 'Oooh yes, I HEARD you were having a party' say that full of enthusiasm so she knows you would have been keen. Also lets her know, you knew about it too even though she didn't mention it to you sooner, iyswim.

Then in REALLY disappointed voice, 'Oh, I'd LOVE to have come, but it's a bit late in the day for getting a babysitter, if only I'd known sooner blah, blah'. All non confrontational, but she should get the message. Also, make a point of asking her how it went afterwards too.

Hope you get the chance to say something and that she feels some remorse - that was a rotten thing to do to you in such a small working environment. It's the sort of situation children can get into over their birthday parties and can be very hurtful. Horrible to see adults doing it too. Sod 'em, at least you know where you stand now though.

acer · 24/10/2004 11:05

God what a horrible bunch of people, thats very unkind not to invite you when its such a small firm, she sounds like a right bitch, as for your friend maybe she is going because she has to face them everyday at work so doesn't want any come back, which is fair enough. If I was you I wouldn't go anyway now, and if she does make the effort to ask you just say, politely, NO THANKS!

Shimmy21 · 24/10/2004 11:21

I really feel for you. This is a horrible situation and that nasty party giver is just a btch. BUT you must not let yourself think it is anything about you. I work in an office with quite a few homeworkers too and they do tend to get left out of things - they aren't around so miss out on the juciest gossip and the spontaneous social plans unintentionally. (Having said that we do make an effort to include them in social events.). I also work with 1 girl in particular who makes a point of including certain people and excluding others from her social plans. It makes a horrible embarrassing atmosphere when she openly says 'I'm not inviting her' so everyone can hear. It is not anything that you* are doing wrong - get that out of your head now! It is more to do with the pathetic need of some sad individuals to make themselves feel special by having an 'in-crowd' that you are supposed to be grateful if you are included in. She's not worth a moments heartache. You're better off without!

pixiefish · 24/10/2004 13:19

How horrid jampot- poor you. This happens to me sometimes with nights out because I'm only there monday and tuesday I tend to miss any arrangements. I honestly don't think it's intentional just that no one remembers me because I've stopped going since getting pg and having dd.
Try to think like this (for your sake not theirs) and that it probably was a genuine oversight. If you don't want to go I'd say that it's tooo short notice thereby putting your point over without the confrontation- you have to work with these people afterwards.

handlemecarefully · 24/10/2004 22:27

I would actually say to A:

"Perhaps I am being paranoid but I feel that nobody really wants me to come. Maybe I am being over sensitive, but that is genuinely how I feel." - accompanied by apologetic and hurt looking half smile.

I don't think that the above is at all confrontational / aggressive, and you may feel better for vocalising it. Plus it might help clear the air, and you will probably get an explanation as to why you weren't invited initially (i.e. - sorry we assumed you wouldn't come due to child care commitments etc)

Better to confront these things rather than let them fester

paolosgirl · 24/10/2004 23:03

How awful for you, I really sympathise. It sounds like the kind of place I once worked. They seemed to really resent anyone new coming into the place, and the little clique would disappear off for lunches etc. and I wouldn't get invited. Hurt like hell, but I just pretended not to notice. I agree with the other posters - I think it might be better to say that you couldn't get a babysitter if you get asked. IMO, you're better off keeping the relationship purely professional. They don't sound like 'nice' people.

WestCountryLass · 25/10/2004 00:38

Bugger them all! I would say I couldn't go as I had something far more fabulous and exciting to do (something that is feasible where you live i.e. a girls night out/show/spa session) and that there was no need to invite me at the last minute as you do have a life! Fuck em! Then i'd start looking for a new job...

sallystrawberry · 25/10/2004 00:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
jampot · 29/10/2004 00:07

Just to update - i got a phone call from said person (A) on Monday pm which went onto answerphone saying she'd really like to see me at her party on Saturday etc. She rang me again on Tuesday and I told her that I assumed I wasn't invited and so have arranged to have a halloween party for my children now - but thanks!!

Office xmas party is supposed to be on 17th Dec in Brum city centre starting at lunchtime. Email said they would welcome other venues (apart from the restaurant suggested) and confirmation of date. So i responded that i would prefer Solihull venue which would enable me to collect the kids from school and then resume drinking later - i wait to hear back from them! Incidentally i dont think this is too much to ask as the office is in Solihull and so everyone will already be there!

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sallystrawberry · 29/10/2004 00:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shimmy21 · 29/10/2004 00:11

Well done jampot -you got the invite and had better things to do. Hooray!

Original poster
jampot · 29/10/2004 14:52

Have just heard they have decided to stick with a lunch do in Brum city centre regardless of the fact that they are all in Solihull on that day and I have put forward my reasons for needing it to be local. B*stards!

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paolosgirl · 29/10/2004 15:48

Sod them again! Tell them that you're very sorry but you've got your dates mixed up and you have another do on that night (far better than their smelly one) and that you won't be able to make it. Christmas do's are strange things anyway - being forced to spend an evening with a bunch of people, just because you work with them!

Original poster
jampot · 29/10/2004 16:02

I had to ring up and ask what they'd decided to do as dh also is planning a night out with his work colleagues that night. one of the trainees told me they'd decided to stick with the Brum venue and suggested that I just join them for a drink in the evening - I have been there the longest - how dare they treat me like a nobody

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tiredemma · 29/10/2004 16:09

what a load of s*heads jampot!
im in bham, shall i sabotage their "event?"

Original poster
jampot · 29/10/2004 16:09

oooh yes please...

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