i don't want to be found by adopted child..is that poss?

[dellc]

i haven't talked about this since it happened, so here it goes.

i was 17 and fell pregnant. it was too late to terminate and my mum hit the roof. She stood by me though and i had a secret pregnancy and gave dd up for adoption. My GP was fantastic and arranged everything. I even gave birth in a different town to the one i lived. I never made any visits to the clinics, as MW always came to visit at home. My GP catered for every need. He understood that in my culture if ANYONE ever found out my life and my family's life would be ruined.

I married 9 years ago, to a wonderful guy. I never told him my secret (i'm crying now) and feel like such a bitch for not telling him. But I KNOW he would throw me out if he ever found out. I have a wonderful son (4), but more recently I've been thinking about dd. What if she traced me and turned up on my doorstep? My family will be ruined. I feel like i'm being selfish. What happens to the birth certificate and hosptial records?

i know many of you will advise to tell DH but i really can't. He'll feel like our whole marriage has been a lie, and will think he doesn't really know me. I CANNOT hurt him in that way, ever.

Yet, i'm curious in some way as to where she is and whether she's happy. I suppose its only natural to feel like this. Could social services tell me anything now, or not. At the time she was adopted i was made to feel very special by them, because they said they hardly get asian babies for adoption, yet they have some fantasic asian families for them, so i felt like i was doing a good thing, by bringing some joy to a family. But i want to feel reassured that she is ok. but i dont want to be found. Can i gurantee this in some way?

hi dell - it probably is worth talking to someone at Norcap (I think). A lady who lived a few doors from us when I lived with parents was asian and had 3 kids from her marriage, marriage split up and she had an affair with another man who lived locally. She got pregnant but only told the neighbour who lived between us. That neighbour told me and my mum she moved away on the pretence that she was visiting her mum and and had the baby and gave it up for adoption. Her and dh then got back together for some years only to split later. As far as I know her dh's family know absolutely nothing about it - I always felt very sorry for her as it was out of her control and then of course had to live in fear. Please seek professional advice or maybe even write a letter to your dd explaining the reasons you cannot be found and leave it with the National Adoption Register

How brave you are to talk about this dellc.

Sorry I can't help you with the adoption legalities but I was just thinking that I guess your dd will know her ethnic origin and if she was adopted by another asian family she'll have an understanding of the impact it would have on you if she turned up unexpectedly. I guess you don't need to worry because if one day she does ever contact you she'll try to do so in a way that your dh wont know about. Please don't let this be a worry to you for years that should be happy with your dh.

thankyou so much jampot for your post. You don't know how alone i feel having to keep this secret inside of me. You are probably right to speak to someone. Who is Norcap? I shall do a google search.

sad to hear about the neighbour. It's so hard to give up a baby, but even more difficult, when having to keep it a secret from everybody for IMO stupid reasons. If my culture would accept adoption, then i would've told DH, but he comes from a traditional asian family. he has good morals / values / principles, but he would never accept my situation.

Hi dellc,
I am so sorry, you must be really struggling with all of this.
I am adopted, and have found my birth mother about 7 years ago.
She hadn't told anyone about me, and had not discussed me with the family members who knew about it, since I was born
It has ben ahrd but ultimately very rewarding to meet her and to become part of her family too.
I totally understand your problem, and think you should write the letter and see if you can leave it with a third party. As jampot says, I think norcap should be able to help.
If my mum had done this, I think I would have understood, and it would have been great to have a message from her.
Do it!
I do hope it works out for you. Not knowing must be so hard

Hi dellc,
I am so sorry, you must be really struggling with all of this.
I am adopted, and have found my birth mother about 7 years ago.
She hadn't told anyone about me, and had not discussed me with the family members who knew about it, since I was born
It has ben ahrd but ultimately very rewarding to meet her and to become part of her family too.
I totally understand your problem, and think you should write the letter and see if you can leave it with a third party. As jampot says, I think norcap should be able to help.
If my mum had done this, I think I would have understood, and it would have been great to have a message from her.
Do it!
I do hope it works out for you. Not knowing must be so hard

shimmy thanks, i try to not let it be a worry, but the other night i cried for hours, scaring myself, about the implications of anyone ever finding out. I'm also upset, because in some way i want to know whether dd is happy and ok. How long do you think social services monitor whether a baby / child is happy within their new family?

biketastic, does your mum's family know about you now? If so, how did she tell them, and what was their reaction?

Even if i was found, and we decided to keep our meetings a secret, i just couldn't live with myself, in having to lie to DH even more. I'm so scared of losing him and my family.

Hi Dellc,
I was adopted too and I just want to say that I think you are very brave.I have never contacted my natural mother but if I did I would be aware that her family would not know about me.
I have a mixed race son to an Asian father so I understand how hard this mustve been for you.
Hope norcap can help you.x

Nowadays adoptions are very open. For example a friend who adopted 2 children (who had been removed from their BM by the way) has to send photos twice a year (she sends them via social services).

I'm sure there will be a system now where you can leave a letter for your daughter. I think that norcap would be a great place to start.

Sorry dell. I really don't know about this but I have a friend of a friend who had her dd adopted when she was 18. As time went by she was desperate to hear how her dd was and contacted the organisation that organised the adoption. They agreed to speak to the family and she received a lovely letter and photo of her dd from the adoptive mother with the agreement that the contact would end there. It made an enourmous difference to her to know how beautiful and happy her dd was. I agree with the others about writing a letter to your dd explaining your circumstances (you could also use it to tell her that you've never stopped thinking about her and how you love her) which is there for her if she ever does decide to try to trace you. Good luck dellc. Your post has made me feel more emotional than any other on MN. You are a brave strong person to be dealing with this on your own.

shimmy, lots of hugs (((((((())))))))

Dellc, I had a baby adopted at birth 15 years ago too. Unlike you I don't have the cultural problems thing, and it's something I'm quite open about to my friends and family. I just can't imagine how hard it must be for you.

On Norcap it is possible for someone other than the birth parent to register, certainly other relatives can. I'm not sure if friends can. Can you think of someone who could register, so that if your dd did choose to make contact at some point, they didn't just face a brickwall of no contact wanted. But could actually speak to someone who did know you and could satisfy her need to know by telling them some information about you, and personally explaining your reasons.

How old is your dd now?

I don't know anything about the Asian cultural thing, but if it would help at all to speak to another birth mum, who understands some of your feelings at least, then please feel free to CAT me.

Jimjams - adoptions of babies are usually still not very open. Generally it is encouraged that no medium term contact is maintained. It is different with older children, or forcibly adopted children, but not with babies.

my mum's parents are both dead, they never spoke about me to her, but forced the adoption.
I have a full sister and brother as my mum married my dad after i was adopted.
After we met she told her sistr and brothers.
One brother isn't interested, his wife has a problem for some reason. The other brother and sister are fine
My father and mother split some years ago. i never met him, he disappeared. We heard that he died last year.
Everybody accepts me and is happy to have me as part of the family. My sister was a bit hard going, but we have bother persevered and now have a very good friendship.

Shimmy21 - do you know at what stage this 'friend of a friend' received this letter and photos? Are we talking months after the adoption, or many years later? Do you know what adoption agency it was?

Dellc,

I am feeling for you, I have a friend that adpoted, and then after about 28 years met her birth mum. and had to keep it secret from ap's.And made it really diificult for every one involved.

If she made contact would you rebut her?

Coz I think that at the moment it is a real question to ask!

Sorry and {{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

for any birthmums

Norcap would be able to explain what the process is when an adopted person traces their birth parent. I think that the advice to adopted children is to use an intermediary, who can make contact sensitively and establish whether any further contact would be welcomed. Then, if the birth parent doesn't want contact, that can be communicated to the adopted child without anyone turning up on doorsteps.
I think you were very brave to go through this and very brave to post about it. You are clearly a very caring person.
My mother is adopted and would love to find her birth mother, but only to answer some questions about who she is and what happened - to get the story, effectively. Hope this is reassuring that even when adopted children search, they can be looking for answers rather than an ongoing relationship. If my birth grandmother had left a letter explaining her reasons, I think that would have been enough. But obviously in those days it was't possible, sadly.
I do hope you find some peace with this. It's very sad that your wonderful husband would throw you out if you told him.

i am off to bed in amin, but will be thinking about you. I do hope you get some resolution. Take care and keep posting

thankuou all so much. I will follow all advice and write a letter which i can leave for an intermediary service. I will probably explain, how i don't want to be found, why she was adopted, my background and if she wanted to leave a letter then that would be great.

I'm a bit cautious about giving my detials out to anyone in relation to this. So will explain to Norcap, about protecting my identity.

thanks all again for your postings and feel so much at ease, just for talking about it.
thankyou so much..xxx

dellc, have you ever seen the film "Kabhi Kabhi"? For everyone else, this was a blockbuster in the 1970s which really made the name of Amitabh Bhachan, whom you may have heard of, a very famous hearthrob actor who later went into politics in India, and nowadays hosts the Indian Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I watched this for the first time with my Dad recently and was quite struck at how these issues arise in every culture in reality. If you haven't seen it, perhaps you should watch it on your own first (because it made me cry and I have never been in that situation) otherwise, what do you feel about watching it with your dh and seeing how he feels about those issues? If you want me to do a spoiler, I will tell you the story this afternoon.

Sorry not to answer before Roisin. I think friend of friend's dd was about 11 at the time she requested the update (so it was a while after the adoption)and it was a catholic adoption agency but don't know any more.

Thanks for getting back to me Shimmy - that is fascinating. I have never heard of such a thing before.

tac, i've heard of the film, but never watched it. I shall hire from my local library. they should have a copy. thanks and looking 4ward to watching!