Please help. I don’t know if I’m imagining things, if I’m highly delusional or if I’m the abusive one. It’s very complex and I’m probably going to leave a lot out but I really would like hopefully to gain some perspective on my situation as I don’t know what’s real anymore. It doesn’t feel right but am I a drama wueen?
I’ve been with my OH since 2012. We’ve always had a heated relationship and probably shouldn’t be together I met him at 21 and he was 26 (I’m now 28 and him 33). We were trying for a baby twice I had miscarriages and he didn’t understand I was emotional and we argued and he’s been abusive verbally and physically this was years ago. After that it continued if we had an argument and he decides it’s over (often after h had said his bit) and I kept talking he would hit me or throw something at me. Things were really bad the next year we were breaking up I changed my number he called and said he wanted to be with me, I found out I was pregnant shortly after this. We had always wanted this so stayed together. I later down the line had suspicions of him cheating every night of my pregnancy I was left alone he would say he fell asleep at his friends and switch his phone off (I was very stupid clearly I just never thought he would cheat 
) I cried every night I’d break up we’d get back together but still be absent. He rented a flat we moved in. I had my son and four weeks after he was born I found out he had been cheating (I know I sound stupid but there’s more to it and he really manipulated me to think I was crazy and he hadn’t cheated before). It turned out he had a whole relationship with this woman. I was upset and hormonal and he offered no real explanation, told me I was a clown for crying and to grow up. Look at you you look a mess (tbf I did I was fat after giving birth and I looked my worst). After a week of him saying he was going to explain to me every evening to which he didn’t, one night I stood in front of the tv and demanded and explanation and he pushed me out of the way it became a struggle and eventually he dragged me out of the room and punched me and kicked me and I had bruises. I get I shouldn’t of provoked him but I was so angry he had cheated and didn’t even try to explain. Anyway it went on like this for ages, I would be upset and get called names and a dog and told the girl was better looking and better in bed then me. Whenever I wanted to talk about the situation or our relationship he wouldn’t want to and I was often left crying like a psycho on the floor. I sometimes would hit myself in the head out of frustration not understanding why someone would treat me this way. He would tell me I deserved to be cheated on as I didn’t make him happy and we were arguing.
I left him, only then did he come back. I got back with him and I found messages to the girl. Which he played down again. I sound so stupid and I’m someone with some kind of intelligence but as I said it’s a lot more complex and hard to see when in it. So again we would argue.
There were good moments but majority bad. I was horrible to him too out of anger and would call him names too. I’d always feel bad and apologise after as I didn’t like it. After he had beaten me up he would just laugh and joke on the phone with his friends like nothing happened not mention it to them it would be like I didn’t exist. I constantly felt such anger toward him I felt like nothing. I was on maternity leave and he would call me a pauper and broke. Fast forward we still live together eventually I went off the rails and I sound so awful but I’m not, but I started partying and using social drugs during a phase of six months maybe once or twice a month, after that once a month or every few months. I don’t take anything anymore. During use breaking up I met two guys within one year. I definitely wasn’t the best version of myself, I felt broken and didn’t know my worth. I still don’t. We are back together but it doesn’t feel right. My mum is mentally ill and I don’t have any family support, my friends have their own children. I feel fairly alone in the world aside from him - in a weird way he is like family and my go to person and I feel I would be lost without him.
I’m back at work full time and have a relatively good job but not when you have a child it’s a financial strain. He helps a bit financially. But I just feel soulless and unhappy all the time. He loves our son. So I feel guilty.
He swears at me if we disagree, threatens me and gets his family involved. He tells me I’m crazy like my mum, I bring nothing to the table, he can get better than me and has had better, he’s only with me out of habit and for our son. He says other mums he’s dated have better cars and more money and better bodies, he makes me feel stupid. I tell him stuff back to I am fiery and I can also be verbally abusive but I don’t have the energy to fight. He twists everything around on me. He liked half naked pics on Instagram, he mocks me and tells me no one will want me because I’m fucked up. (I do have issues from growing up with a mentally ill mum but I’d say I’m fairly aware of them and not crazy).
If I have an issue with something he shouts me down or personally attacks me or how much I earn and makes me feel shit.
I don’t love him. I just have an unhealthy bond. It sounds cliche but I don’t feel like anyone will want me and I’m not worthy of love. I’m very insecure with how I look, I went and got surgery too at one point as I felt so crap after having my son and the affair. This all sounds so stupid and I sound like an idiot.
He gives me the silent treatment and then I get angry and call his phone repeatedly and end up looking like the crazy one. I’m tired and drained. So much has happened. I cry most days and then it turns into anger. I don’t feel safe around him, but I’m not a victim person and I stand my ground. I voice how I feel but I just end up being worn out and torn apart and he hones in on my insecurities and flaws and makes me feel like I’m the one in the wrong. I just don’t know anymore if I’m crazy or if he’s abusive.
At one point I was screaming intoy pillow and hitting it so I could control my anger. Then the next day I forget and forgive him and then it happens again.
Sometimes I feel like is there any point to being here if I’m that crap my son deserves better. But 95% I’m a good mum (aside from that bad patch) he’s always doing activities. He’s happy has no idea of what’s happened between his dad and I, he loves us both. I see his dad with him and the love he gives and I think he’s not a monster. But to me he is and he says it’s my fault I don’t know how to make him happy. He doesn’t want therapy.
His family all enable his behaviour. I grew up with my mum being quite physically abusing week in week out so I’m kind of used to the pattern and think subconsciously it’s why I stay. Part of me doesn’t want to give up on getting out of this and being happy and healing but a larger part doubts myself, I’m too ugly, unintelligent, crazy, weak and frightened to be single. He tells me every man will be the same with me. I know I have to leave as my son is 3 but will start realising about the abuse and I don’t want him to obviously. I just don’t know if it’s my fault. I try to be quiet and not voice how I feel and he is still the same. But that’s not me I’m a strong character and feel like I’m doing myself injustice by nodding my head along. I get angry.