help! I'm back AGAIN with mom and family troubles

[threeangels]

Sorry you guys for asking for more help with my mom. I know many of you have already given me wonderful advice on this in the past but for those of you or are the newest members I would appreciate more advice. I've been having a hard time these past few months with this but here goes. My dh was finally offered a great job which is approx 8 hrs away. He will need to go ahead first for a couple of weeks in about 4 weeks. Then we will join him. I told my mom that we are probally going to accept the offer. My mom is really taking it hard because its more of a reality now since we have the offer. I was talking to her yesterday and we were in a really upsetting argument. She is not taken it well still because of my 3 kids leaving too. She cant stand the thought of us moving. I know its only 8 hrs away and there are many ways they can communicate back and forth. She just does not see it this way and really cant wish us the best because she is so sad and mad at the same time. I dont know what to do. She is making me feel so horrible because they will be seperated and she has really played a heavy role in all three since their births. I keep thinking that maybe I should just stay so I dont hurt her and make my kids sad especially my 13 yr old boy. Hes very close to grandma. But I also want to go to because its a great job for my dh. I know dh can get a decent job here too for us to live nice. My mom says that money isnt everything and that I should sacrifice and put the kids first and let them finish growing up near their grandparents.I dont want to hurt anyone and I cant please all at the same time. What should I do? Sorry to bug so much and you all probally think I'm nuts but this whole thing is consuming me and affecting my dh and I. Thanks for any help.

Threeangels I feel for you - you're in a tough situation and probably feel as though there isn't a right optin. I can't think of any useful advice but hopefull someone will. Just to say that your primary responsibility is to your husband and children IMO.

It's very hard for you. No, I don't think you're nuts. I know that you're a Christian too and I believe that this means that we put our children and husband first. Do you believe that by moving you are putting them first? Is there any reason why your mum cannot move too? How do your children feel about the move? I would suggest making a plan for how you will see her and keep in touch. For example, set a date for her first visit, get your children to keep a scrapbook or diary to send to her. Could you write her a letter explaining your feelings? Money isn't everything but if this job will make your dh happy then it's not really about money. When you say that you will stay does that mean that you will let your dh go on his own? Then your mum would be asking you to put her relationship with your children above their father's. If you truly believe that this move is the right thing to do for your family then you should do it. I really feel for your mum but at the end of the day we mothers do sacrifice for our children and she should make this one for you.

Threeangels..... Don't want to get into my personal circumstances here (don't want to hijack your Q) but I know how you feel. At the end of the day.... your future is with your husband and your children.... you have made that decision years ago... I don't think you should put your mariage/family under stress because of her demands. I also think you should be honest with her (easier said tham done) but from what you describe SHE is being egoistical not you.

Threeangels
You should definately go. Your life belongs to you, your husband and your children, not your mum. She is thinking of herself in this, not you and that is just plain selfish and unfair. Having said that, I know how much emotional pressure mothers can put on you and how much we all want to please them. If she has been really involved with you and your kids she is probably frightened of having an empty life without them - could you encourage her to do something else to occupy herself. If she goes on a computer course she could learn to use the internet etc. and this would be another way for her to keep in touch with you and the kids.

Haven't got any advice just sympathising with your situation.

Ive told her its not really about the money its just for a good job with security and advancement. She just likes to argue and I turn everything I say into making me think Im all conerned about living high and mighty. I dont want to say mean things because she is a wonderful devoted mom in most areas of her life but I sometimes feel she is a little jealous. Ive said this in anger and she says I'm crazy thinking that. Maybe I am. Its just the attitude she gets when I bring up bettering ourselves. I know its more about the kids but I cant help but think somewhat like that because she gets a little defensive when you talk about it helping us financially. I know its probally hard to understand my mom when you really dont know her on a personal basis.

I have written a letter once but never mailed it. I think I will do it again since it might be easier for me and I wont have to argue back and forth.I always say things i feel bad about afterwards.

Ionesmum - my oldest does not want to move but is not putting up a fuss at this time, and the middle one doesnt care either way. My mom, dad, brother (seperate home) and our family have made a couple moves together. I guess were like a traveling family. We moved here 3 yrs ago and she has told me she does not want to move anymore because of our wonderful church we do go to plus the fact she s tired of moving and getting older. I understand, thats my only reason other then my family why I'm confused. I just feel that I want to experience another area. I told her I could always come back if I'm not happy which she swares I will be after I get there and have no family around. But you can survive and adapt right?

You dont have to respond back I'm just letting off some steam and could go on and on forever.

Prufrock, You are right about putting my family first above all. Its probally the one thing that I keep saying to myself over and over to get me through this ordeal. It really does frighten her to think of us not being around. If you knew our relationship you would totally understand. I'm always with my mom. Running errands, paying bills, eating out and just hanging out at her house. She lives only 4 miles away and my kids are always fighting on whose turn it is to sleep at grandmas. I guess were just a close nit family (sometimes to close).

Threeangels hope you don't mind me responding. It sounds to me as if your mother's upset at the thought of you moving away as if she's losing you all. I'm sure in her heart she wants what's best for you but sometimes when you don't like a situation or decision all you can think about is what you want regardless. I think most parents find it very hard to let go, they don't always support you in the most rational way and become argumentative when they are upset. I know it's hard but do your best to show you care regardless of how difficult she is. Some people know when to let go when they care others get angry and hurtful.

threeangels this must be difficult. How do you feel about leaving your mum? Will you miss her terribly? It sounds like it. I suppose what I'm asking is: is this (moving away) really what you want to do? If it isn't, then maybe you need to re-think and talk to your DH. If you DO really want to go then I do think you have to do it and try to find a way of making it easier for your mum. Could she come with you? I know she's said she's fed up of moving but is the alternative worse (from her point of view)? Could she live separately but nearby? How would DH feel about that? I think if my mum was on the doorstep, I had a great relationship with her and she helped and had a great relationship with my ds I'd find it hard to leave too. Are the reasons for leaving stronger than the reasons for staying? Lots of questions, but not sure I have any answers. Good luck.

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threeangels, I really sympathise with you here. When my dh was offered an excellent job in NZ I found making the decision very hard. I was lucky in that my parents were very supportive and gave us no emotional blackmail to add to my dilemma. The problem with me was that I did not want to leave my parents or take my ds away from them. In the end I decided to move as I felt it was OUR life and OUR future at stake. I compared life in the UK with life in NZ for our DS and found that bringing him up in NZ would be better for him (won't go into the whys and wherefores at this point).
As I say, my parents were supportive and I don't think I would have gone through with it at all if my mum hadn't sat me down and said that if we put our lives on hold for them we would always regret it and they would never forgive us. She said (we were both sobbing at the time) that she and dad had had their lives and their adventures when they were our age and now it was our turn. She was really brave to say that as we are very close and I will always be grateful that she made our decision easier. I do miss them and they miss us, but we speak on the phone regularly and e-mail constantly. Really, it is only a couple of plane rides away! In your case it is only 8 hours.
Think hard about where you will see yourself, your DH and your children in 5/10 years time and decide where you want to be. This is your decision to make, your future and I think your mum is unfair to put this pressure on you. Good luck - I hope it works out for you

I agree with the general tenet of advice here, Threeangels. Firstly, you need to think about your own family, and whether this new situation is right for you. At the end of the day, you have to do what's right for you and your DH and children.

If you're clear that you want to move, then I think you should explain to your mum what you are going to do and why (maybe have one of those sessions where each person is allowed to speak without being interrupted!) and then allow your mum to have her say. But DON'T get into any arguments with her. Tell her you're happy to talk about it if she discusses it in a reasonable manner but if she starts acting up, being dramatic or accusatory then you should walk out/put the phone down, telling her that you'll come back when she's ready to talk in an adult manner. I've used this approach with my mum, although not on such a serious life-changing subject, and it works, believe me.

Really, all this comes down to is that your mum is using emotional blackmail on you. I do sympathise with her, because my adult son has gone to live with his American wife in Los Angeles and I know we will probably only ever see him once a year tops, for the rest of our lives. But although I miss him desperately I would not have dreamt of trying to prevent him from going. It's hard, but sometimes in life one just has to be grown-up about these things.

Suedonim, brilliant advice. Ghosty, your Mum sounds lovely! I had the same selfless support from my Mum & Dad when we moved to the Middle East when I was pg with dd no 3. We were all crying as we left Gatwick, it was really terrible. Then they came out to stay every year for a month and we all still talk about how wonderful those visits were. I had never lived near my family for 20 years, now they're only 1.5 hrs away and I feel like I'm reaping the benefits that we were all denied for so long.
Threeangels, you have to make your Mum understand that having a close, good mother/daughter relationship is a mixture of holding one another close and letting one another go.

Threeangels, we used to live very close to my parents and I found that I was relying on my dad very heavily when dh was at work. It was only when we moved away that I really felt that I had my independence. It's better for dh and I and also my relationship with my dad is better because we don't see each other so often and therefore don't argue or take each other for granted.

I agree so much with SueDonim's advice. I don't believe that dd owes me anything. I hope that you will be able to work this out soon.

I just want to say thanks to all this encouraging advice. I will let you guys know how everything turns out which I'll know soon enough.