Aww - she cried at not being 'woman enough'

[CantCopeWontCope]

My late bf's cousin who is 23 was around earlier and she is lovely. She is quite a large girl (like me), wears comfy rather than trendy and wears minimal, often no make-up and trainers. She doesn't look scruffy but casual. Very much like me. Today we were watching TV and she started crying because she never wears make-up, 'nice' clothes etc and looks like a boy and a scruff. I'm bloody angry at the media for potraying the message that girls must look good to be a 'someone' and really sad for my friend. We dress alike, are really alike in fact in that I wear no make-up most of the time, just scrape my hair back but I'm comfortable with who I am and don't care what people think of me. If anyone says anything nasty to me about my appearance I'm not bothered but how can I get bf's cousin to feel better and not feel she has to change to be accepted by society if you get what I mean?

maybe she wants to change? or maybe she needs to change in order to realise that she doesn't need to IYSWIM?

I'm 25 and I did exactly what she did at a similar age, admittedly I had ds1 by then, but I decided I wanted to be a 'proper' girl and tried the whole make-up, skirts, high heels thing.

didn't last long, took too much effort

I do now enjoy wearing heels, and have realised that skirts and dresses suit my figure and fit better than trousers, but the make-up and faffing with my hair are long-gone in favour of a lie-in!

maybe she wants to change> she is obviously not comfortable in her skin, and feels unwomanly..nothing wrong with changing for your own self esteem

I think this is difficult because it is something people can be very judgemental about. Personally, I don't wear makeup and I really do love my trainers. When I met DH, he liked the fact that I was just 'real' and thinks it is fine to go around in trainers. We are both sporty and really consider ourselves 'at home' like this.

Unfortunately, lots of people don't feel like this, they think that people who don't "make an effort" have low self esteem or little respect for people around them.

In some cases this is partially true and in others it is not at all. I would consider whether your friend has always liked the comfy look and if she has, then that is who she is, end of story. Alternatively, does she hanker after a makeover or anything like that?

If she wants to be accepted for who she is, then IMO she should only consider the views of only those close to her, eg you etc. Anyone else, their opinion is not important.

I know what you mean about being pressured, but it's fun to have different "faces" if you like, and sometimes if you feel stuck in a rut a change of look can change how you feel. Now, that doesn't mean being a size 10 or whatever, but just sometimes dressing/grooming in a way that makes you really smile when you look in the mirror. It's fun, no more no less, and although we shouldn't necessarily need to change our external appearance to change how we feel in side, I don't think it's a violation of feminist principles to do so.

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i know this doesnt help her situation, but we went shopping last week, i'm a size 18 and not very trendy at all, but I felt worsse walking round the shops. It made me feel very old (i'm 29), very fat and very frumpy. I'm not keen on fashionable clothes and never have. It has taken me a long time to feel comfotable in my own skin and the clothes that I wear. So now when I turn up at school wearing skater shorts and pink converse or jeans, black shirt and a red tie and the other mums stick their noses up at me I just grin back.

{{{ Hugs to all }}}}

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Perhaps she wants to mske more of an effort - nothing to do with Media hype - jsut so shelooks good

iCod

She is comfortable. I asked her if she had any desire to make more of an effort with make-up, ditching the trainers etc but she insisted this was who she was, she would not feel comfotable as a more 'girly' person but it made her upset that in society in general, that is perceived as her being not normal and even unattractive. We also discussed and came up with the idea that men don't seem interested in women like us, only in the types that wear heels, make-up etc as either of us barely gets approached by men anymore but in my former days when I did wear heels and make-up, everywhere I went I was approached by men but that was not me, not who I was at all. She is an incredibly attractive girl (think Halle Berry lookalike) but as she looks like a tomboy most of the time, it's percieved as unattractive. She's been approached by men maybe twice in her lifetime. We'd both be happier going for a lager and a game of pool with the lad mates than on a night out with the girlfriends we have.

I've got the balls to wear quite a few things that those matching tracksuit wearers wouldnt.

OK if that is how she wants to be then that's fine. She doesn't need to be approached or admired by hundreds of men all the time - you only marry one (at at time)!

Anyway if she is happy out with the lads like this, she is more likely to strike up a meaningful relationship with one of them who fristly has a good friendship with her and secondly accepts her how she is.

dont know what skater shorts are...any pics?

a lot of being approached and being perceived as attractive has nothing whatsoever to do with your size, your weight , but the aura and confidence you project.

i went out with a friend the other week, to a bar, as she is newly single, and i was chatted up several times, i am not a skinny mini in high heels.

it is about confidence, about feeling good, no matter what you think others think of you

exuding self pity and desperation and feeling sorry for yourself does not draw people in, men or women.

if you like being a scruff, playing pool, being a tomboy, then why should it matter? if she is upset, it must matter

skater shorts are past the knee baggy things., no?

baggy 3/4 lenghts

Are you avril lavigne?

I wear the same amount of black eyeliner. lol

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naughty cod

It may be an age thing. I'm a lot less attracive now than I was when I was 23 but I feel much more sexy, have much more to offer people (besides sex that is) and generally am more confident.

What is more important to her - to stay exactly as she is, or to attract men? It does sound as if she isn't happy as she is, despite what she told you. She doesn't have to change completely, just a few little things that would boost her confidence. It wouldn't be a complete betrayal of her inner tomboy to make an effort occasionally, would it?

Oh, iCod, ur so lovely aren't you?

I can tell you that she is absolutely gorgeous!

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think it is about options. Having a few outfits that you do look great in and having the tools around so you can make an effort if you want to does help you feel better about yourself (says witch not having brushed her hair for a month!). You can then be clear that the comfy clothes you wear most of the time are the ones you are actively chosing rather than because you are too scared to do anything different.